Short Cletus Poems

Cletus O'Toole fancied himself so cool

   'Til at Clyde's Bar he got fresh with Jewel

Her he tried to embrace

   She punched him in the face

In fact so hard it knocked him off his stool...

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Since toilet tissue is so hard to find

   He bought a bidet to cleanse his behind

      With the very first flush

         Cletus scalded his tush

            To use again he was not too inclined...

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Cletus O'Toole spent some time in Reno

  Where he lost his shirt playin' at keno

    This caused a great deal of strife

      With his long-sufferin' wife

        She raged on like a squally El Nino...

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Cletus joined the Navy on a fool whim

   And was told he needed to learn to swim

      He was launched off the dock

         And he sank like a rock

             The Navy straightaway got rid of him...

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Cletus O'Toole was a hopeless recruit

   Cletus cared for the army not one hoot

      He was the sergeants bane

         And deemed their rules inane

            He was asked to leave and given the boot...

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Cletus O'Toole slipped on a 'nana peel

   He broke his femur and damaged his heel

      He asked a judge to rule

         "You lost yer suit, O'Toole;

            A higher court might consider ap'peel'!"...

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Cletus O'Toole had always yearned to fly

   He joined the Air Force to give it a try

      He tried a daring chandelle

         It didn't go all that well

            Cletus crashed in the muck of a pigsty...

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He quaffed a six-pack of Corona Beers

   Ending up with the worst headache in years

      Perhaps to lessen his plight

         He should've had a Bud Lite

            Sure sign of 'corona' virus, he fears!...

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Cletus O'Toole asked the lady, perchance

   If she would like to join him for a dance

      He trampled her toes

         And rumpled her clothes

            When asked again she said, "Nope!  Not a chance!"...

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Cletus O'Toole tested the slopes at Vail

   He met some trees as he sped t'ward the vale

      'Twas a short-lived journey

         Sprawling on a gurney

            His hapless schuss left him woozy and pale...

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Cletus O'Toole sulked 'neath the mistletoe

   Pining for a kiss by chicks to bestow

      They tittered as they passed by

         Noting his jean's open fly

            All 'cept Cletus were enjoying the show...

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There was once a sot named Cletus O'Toole

   Renowned 'bout town as a well-rounded fool

      Saturday nights without fail

         He was remanded to jail

            Once for fishing in the sewage plant pool...

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Cletus O'Toole in a moment of greed

   'Borrowed' the judge's magnificent steed

      To steal a horse not his'n

         He spent six months in prison

            His name e'er stained for that dastardly deed!...

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Though many times Cletus O'Toole was somewhat uncouth,
He could always be relied upon to tell the truth.

No better legacy to his progeny could he bequeath,
Than that of, "Truer words were never spoken thru falser teeth!"...

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Cletus O'Toole checked in all set to fly

   Mistletoe o'er the bag scale caught his eye

      He asked, "Can I have my kiss?"

         "No!" replied the little miss

             "That is there to kiss yer luggage goodbye!"...

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Cletus O'Toole was a whiz 'mongst streakers

   And the darling of 'exposure'-seekers

      He was a down-right nuisance

         But due to cops' impuissance*

            He raced 'round town in just socks and sneakers

*Inability to act...

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Cletus Schlunk went on a weekend bender.

   He kept saying, "Jesh one more, bartender!"

      He stumbled out of the bar,

         Speeding away in his car,

            Ending up in a major rear-ender!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired...

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Cletus finds comfort in Southern Comfort

   The day is lost if he don't have a snort

      He doesn't like Four Roses

         Old Turkey he opposes

            He prefers Southern Comfort by the quart

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved...

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Once there was a plumber named Cletus Leaks,

   Who when working 'neath sinks exposed his cheeks!

      While adjusting his britches,

         He left ladies in stitches,

            As they all giggled between furtive peeks!

Entry for Joseph May's "Limerick" Contest
(4 Jan 2019)...

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Most folks attend church to worship and praise the Lord as a general rule,

But this is not necessarily the case for God-fearing Deacon Cletus O'Toole.

He religiously goes to church every Sunday to take a nap (such is his nerve!),

And partake of potluck suppers and to quaff the coffee and donuts they serve!...

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My good friend Cletus looked mighty spiffy in his new attire.

New suit, shoes, shirt and tie - he was ready to set the world afire

He asked me what I thought about his new duds but I hadn't the heart to say,

That I had donated his entire ensemble to Goodwill just the other day!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
(c) 2014 All Rights Reserved...

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Pilot Cletus O'Toole climbed in his plane and sailed for the blue!

  'Twas their wedding anniversary for him and his wife Mary Sue.

He intended to write in the sky, "MARY SUE I LOVE YOU!"

   Things went well 'til mischievous winds shifted and his plan fell askew!

Curiously, the winds wrote, "MARY SUE YOU OLD SHREW!"

   When Cletus landed Mary Sue unleashed a scathing hullabaloo!

She grounded hubby Cletus O'Toole and he never again flew!...

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