Best Warning Poems

October: I'm eighteen, shortcutting home
through an autumn-burnished churchyard -
copper-lustred leaves, moss-skinned stone -
a jaunty swing of skater skirt and arm,
college folder square-sturdy in my hand.
In the moment. In the last pale pulse of sun.

Hey, can you tell me...?
I halt. I turn...

Cold earth. Colder blade dimpling...

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My turds float like choc’late marshamallows
Just lurking about in the shallows
I guess that my butt
Is truly kaput
So doctor suggests bitter aloes

I questioned such treatment regime
Doc said it may keep my butt clean
Aloe on my finger
Won’t cause me to linger
And floaters will look like whipped cream

Doc...

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Due to growing Nimbus clouds of oppression
an area of low pressure has been building
Rest assured, it won't lead to bouts of depression
but rumblings of thunder have now been heard,
foreshadowing the bombs of fury soon to come.
Be advised: the ripping winds will not be deterred.

To counteract...

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I crossed my legs but there was a flood
Blushing red I hope folks understood
But my waters had burst
And the baby's my first
Guess I'm ready to start motherhood!

NOT FOR CONTEST

WRITTEN on 27TH August 2016 BY JAN ALLISON

My babe arrived as hungry as a horse
As a good...

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Well guys I’m going to tell you a secret
You don’t really know me
I have not been honest 
I am not who I say I am
Yesterday I discovered the real me…
I’m a ninja – yes honestly I’m a ninja
I have proof from www.anagrammer.com
Ninja Salol …………………….…..Jan Allison

So...

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It is a sun splashed day; the air is silent with the sound of waves 
from an ocean moving to the rhythm of crying gulls. 
The sand underneath my feet is warm and soothing. 
The crashing waters from a wind sculpted waterfall swims 
into the...

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A fella’s promoted at work
His office sign makes people smirk
It reads W. Anchor -
Head overseas banker
His shortened name drives him berserk

Work colleagues all know him as Billy
His parents name choice, was so silly
He's named William Anchor
It fills him with rancour
He's lucky he wasn't called Willie!...

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There was a horny man from Timbuktu.
Fell in love with a girl from Kathmandu.
Bursting with desire and lust.
Felt she's the one he can trust.
Asked for a game of sexy peekaboo.

Finally switched on their video chat,
but he realised he had been a prat.
Slowly lifting her pink...

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A poet, that's me I'm called Jan
Was NEVER a poetry fan
Now two books bear my name
Not for fortune or fame
I'll pen poop whenever I can!

If ever I am stuck for words
I resort to write about turds
Brown things that you poo
When you're sat on the loo
Poop...

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Aunt Ethel said to Uncle Fred,
Let’s attempt the starfish in bed,
Old Ethel insisted,
Till Fred’s back got twisted,
They best stick to sleeping instead!

Original poem by Jan Allison

Fred couldn't stand and was writhing in pain
Ethel was mad and looked on with disdain
So he took a blue pill
Then...

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Caution. Watch your head. This underpass is very low!

Is it one you think you can get under?

Unless you’re blind, it’s something that instinctively a driver ought to know.

So if you drive a great big truck, you’ll know you’ve made a blunder

if coming out the other...

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There may be a flood in the Isle of Man
From the bladder of poetry Jan
There is no denying
Inco pads I’ll be buying
I’ll judge the contest as fast as I can

27th April 2015...

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He masquerades as an angel of light
That's who the devil is
So be very, very careful
He will betray you with a kiss.

He walks around like a roaring lion
To devour you for himself
He'll tempt you with all kinds of riches
And promise you much wealth.

The devil wants to...

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I have the outhouse in view
I had grandma’s squirrel stew
Dessert was a tart
I will not dare fart
I will sit in my own pew

*in honor of Jan's Birthday tomorrow*...

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                       Humankind
                     ...

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