Best Taser Poems
Don’t you know I like things sweet?
Sewage water and pickled feet
Noses that run like Kenyan jocks
And year old milk that’s kept in socks
Don’t you know I like things wild?
Little old ladies with crocodiles
Butterflies and taser guns
Grizzly bears that have the runs
I’m excited, I got a job
I now work for Bob Bob’s Gob Shop
They asked me to stand outside and sell
These white packets, of what I cannot tell
But I was shifting the goods a hundred an hour
I felt alive excited and empowered
Mothers and fathers were buying off me
And giving their kids, who named the stuff LSD
I didn’t hear it clearly at first,
Until I was arrested and that’s when I feared the worst
The police took me to their van
God only knows I tried to run and then… Man,
I got the tasered,
And did a twenty-five second bad imitation of Bob Marley crossed with Jo Fraser
They called me a dope peddler
An addict enforcing meddler
The cops tasered me again and beat me up
Then left me laying in a pile, yelping like a helpless pup
Then took me to a room with a table that had a pile of white powder,
And three inch black sticks they called hash, my mouth went sour.
They questioned me further demanding who was my supplier
As they kept me dancing at the end of the taser wire
I screamed Bob and Bob of the Gob Shop
They stopped and said this must be their under cover job
Just then the chief of police walked in
He looked at me with that we gotcha grin
He took a bit of the white powder and put it on the tip of his tongue
Then with s surprised look as if he got stung
The chief of police quickly picked me up dusted me off and apologised
He said “Don’t worry sir, I’ll punish these guys”
One policemen said “But sir his a drug dealler, selling LSD?”
“How could you be willing to set him free”
The Chief shouted “YES THIS IS LSD, NOW READ MY LIPS”
“LIQUORICE SHERBET DIPS”
Well as a consolation, I got a house and a car out of them,
Never went back to that job again.
Poet Destroyer vs. James Gareth
Are you done taking your nap?
I read a few of your poems
You got it wrong, they are not crap
First I want to thank you, for the extra lap
Glad, I inspired another slam out of you
I'm not ready to toss in the cap
It takes a bigger plot to get me upset
Your ego fell into my poetic trap
While you came out of the closet,
wearing M.C. Hammer pants
Your headstone now reads "You lost it!"
The vulture's on your body tap, tap, tap!
On your corpse, they pile up their crap
"Sorry!" I zapped you with my taser gun,
zap, zap, zap!
That's what you got for raising your pen.
You hit me with words, like a gypsy queen
Don't want to be enemies, nor friend.
You say I am sweet like a flower.
No magic cure, no poetic power.
I can be as sweet as they come.
If by any chance you are the jealous one.
I'll tell you what,
does it matter if I kiss the ladies butt?
It's not your fault you are not hot.
I'll wait for you to leave the kitchen,
The heat in here is what you don't get.
Hang up your gloves, put away your pen.
Your words of yesterday, slowly rot.
I will take your Hakius.
Release them like creatures.
They sound like insults to Mother Nature.
What if? I turned over a new leaf
Will you stop saying, I'm the crooked police!
I will no longer be an investigator.
I have no need to destroy you.
I have no force like Darth Vader.
I'm kind of getting bored of this
I will read you later alligator.
"I'll be back!"
As The Terminator once said
(FUN) No feelings were hurt in the making.
If you are following
(read poem by JAMES GARETH--To the POET Destroyer)
A very touching version of Clement Moore's 'Twas the Night Before Christmas. A warm tribute to all dispatchers & police officers everywhere.
T’was the night before Christmas, and all throughout comm.
We sat at our consoles, expecting it calm
the Dispatchers with their headsets, the CAD in high gear.
I looked at my computer, and the phones waiting to hear.
I started my dinner, the microwave to ding,
of course at that time a 911 call did ring
An intruder was the call, per the person on the phone
My dinner was interrupted by the ole’ hot tone.
The address was given, and with a flash officers flew
their cars going code-3, Their lights red & blue
Stay on with the caller, We need more was their request,
Typical, telling us how to do our job, was our quiet jest
Now this being Christmas, Santa was hard at his job
He could never imagine, being accused of intent to rob
2 cookies from the plate, and milk from the glass
While giving out gifts, he didn’t expect any “sass”
He first heard the growl, and then the dog gave a bark
Everyone was out of the bed, quick as a lark
Santa heard them start to shuffle, and knew it had begun
When someone yelled I have a gun, and we’ve called 911.
Officers set up a perimeter, and a command post
They had a K-9 enroute, this suspect is toast.
The Dispatcher remained calm; kept the caller on the phone
Obtained a description of the man, let them know they weren’t alone
Dressed in red and white, his belt and boots all in black.
Santa said I will give you all coal, plus I’m taking your things back.
Officer’s then gave a code-4, just a man giving out toys
We figured with this shift it would be Taser deployed.
Our blood pressure came down, still maybe up 10
The family went back to bed, to sleep once again.
Santa said thanks to the officers, with their badges and guns,
He said a special thanks to those who calmly answered 911.
Thus I re-heated my dinner it was only 2 hours old
But working in dispatch, food is better eaten sometimes cold.
Santa flew over the comm. center, later that night
And we heard him yell out, as he flew out of sight.
Thank you for answering all of those 911 calls
Your pride and professionalism make Holidays Merry for all.
May you all have a safe and wonderful Christmas Holiday.
( BANK ROBBERY )
Theres going to be a robbery, where theres lots of cash at hand.
Its going to take the 4 of us, and we all got to understand.
There cant be any mess ups, we got to plan this robbery out.
Case the joint and watch everyone, know what each one is about.
Do it in the morning when most people are at work.
Scare the bank teller, make them think there going buserk.
Take 2 guns and a taser, and give the man a note.
Demand all the money in our bags, then later we can gloat.
Make sure the get a way car runs, make sure its full of gas.
We got a time limit, and each detail has got to be real fast.
Wear ski masks on our face, so no-one knows its us.
Look very scary, jump in circles and always try to cuss.
We are in the car on the way to bank, our blood is really cooking.
Got Mel in the drivers seat, and Jason is the lookout cause he is better looking.
We are really getting close, only a block and each one posed.
We pull up to the bank, and the damn sign says its closed.
There's a clan from Scotland called the Fraser's
In battle they were the erasers
Their enemies were rubbed out
Kilted and screaming they'd shout
If they did it today, they'd be tasered
Great wilderness survivor skills are possessed by he,
but even so called experts screw up occasionally,
and so one evening he retired to the solace of his tent.
What followed afterward was most certainly a horrific event.
He awoke to find himself pinned down by a huge grizzly's paws
looking straight down the throat of the grizzly's huge massive jaws.
He carelessly went to sleep with food crumbs left on him.
It was the scent of these crumbs, not he, that attracted the bear to him.
He could not control his fear and the bear smelled it all over him.
When a bear smells fear it smells "My next prey victim."
The bear's entire massive weight then collapsed on top of him,
vibrating and uncontrollably spasming.
The bear's massive weight kept him beneath and helplessly pinned.
All the while he felt as if electricity was flowing all within him.
The bear stopped moving and went still suddenly.
It took all of his strength to push the bear's massive weight off of he.
You can imagine his relief but dismay when he managed to struggle to his feet
to discover that the bear was still breathing but unconscious or asleep
so he immediately proceeded to climb high up the closest tree.
The bear awoke and went on its way, confused as to what just happened there.
Wilderness Survival Rule # 1.
Never Be Without Your Standard Police Issued 100,000 Volt Taser.
You Never Know When You'll Have To Taser A Bear.
Dear friend,
I am trying to master the ancient art of Almond Milking. It's quite difficult and my sweetie hasn't had a drink of almond milk in months. I started with cats to improve my dexterity, but they kept getting away and the little stinkers kept scratching me. The great thing about almonds is that they tend to be a bit more co-operative. I am hopeful that by Christmas I will have achieved my goal.
There is one question I would appreciate an answer to, how do I find the nipple? I thought it was at the pointy end and as I was simultaneously squeezing the ends of two almonds they shot out from my fingers. I was mortified when they inadvertently struck the buttocks of a lady police officer. She turned around with such blinding speed I was surprised...What surprised me even more was that she drew and shot her Taser. Ironically both leads pierced my nipples.
One last thing, do you know how I can get milk stains out of my shirt???
Sincerely,
Donald P. Thump
This piece was inspired by my friend David McKay after he sent the following email to me. His comment was the result of an earlier conversation about the scene in the movie "Meet the Fockers." In the movie Ben Stiller says, "You can milk anything with nipples." Robert Deniro responds, "I have nipples, can you milk me?"
David's email: Thanks for joining us. Nice to see you and Mary again, and remember Richard "You can milk anything with nipples" Lol!
Ttyl!
David McKay
Sent from iPhone
Once an alien with eyes like LASER
Greeted me with a green TASER
He told me he was registered as a WASP
And after retirement would join the AARP
He was driven by the FOMO
And said his motto was YOLO
His aim was to become POTUS
Or at the least the fair FLOTUS
If not, he'd train for the BAFTA
And seal it with NAFTA
I told him he was already a STAR
For having the country on his RADAR
But he must take part in lots of JAM
And reprogramme his brilliant RAM
If he wanted to be the big MAN
He must shout as much as he CAN
On hearing this, he BOL
And soon went AWOL
04.02.2021
For L Milton Hankins' "Acronyms in Couplets" contest
Acronyms used:
LASER - Light Amplification by Stimulated Emission of Radiation
TASER - Thomas A. Swift's Electric Rifle
WASP - White Anglo-Saxon Protestant
AARP - American Association of Retired Persons
FOMO - Fear Of Missing Out
YOLO - You Only Live Once
POTUS - President Of The United States
FLOTUS - First Lady Of The United States
BAFTA - British Academy of Film and Television Arts
NAFTA - North American Free Trade Agreement
STAR - Superior Technology Award Recipient
RADAR - Radio Detection And Ranging
JAM - Just A Minute
RAM - Read Only Memory
MAN - Metropolitan Area Network
CAN - Controller Area Network
BOL - Burst Out Laughing
AWOL - Absent Without Official Leave
Within Pantheon Of Classical Gods
stricken with affliction,
sans amyotrophic lateral sclerosis
(also known as ALS,
or Lou Gehrig's disease)
in the prime of his youth wrought
underestimation, vitiated termination,
targeted sequestration,
solidified rigidification,
rendered quandary,
per paralyzation obliterated,
nixed navigation,
morphed motivation,
marked limitation
kickstarted infatuation,
jinxed immobilization,
induced intellectual hyperfunction,
garnered fundamental fascination,
fanned fabled exploration,
devastation demonstrated
delectable declaration,
cosmological constant comet
clinched, chained certain capitulation,
brainstormed benefaction,
benediction attribution assured.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
his longevity (marked by bing permanently
linkedin, hitched, drafted
to a custom made wheelchair,
his brilliant unsullied scientific genius)
endured seventy six orbitz veer
ring round the nearest star,
though seemingly motionless, he freed their
ret tickle physiochemical insight
encompassing, revolutionizing,
and jaw-dropping, revelations
with mortals he did share
transcendent seeded plentifully
mental limitless groundswell
fed his fecund rare
if eyed cogitated, formulated, insulated
(infinitesimal nook and cranny) force *****
lee disproportionate overly endowed capacity
bracketed with mar ching madness peer
ring with laser, razor, and taser sharp mind
(or a minuscule approximate near
facsimile thereof) scrutinizing, positing,
and discerning astronomical phenomena mere
via concentrating gifted limned, and rapacious,
though processes affixed
with a visage mordantly like King Lear.
A Statistic
Sometimes I feel tired of being in my own skin....feeling overwhelmed with sin that’s not my own...sorrow overbearing with thoughts of black teenagers that will never be grown...men, and woman dying as children...because they were shot by cops that are the same color of my skin....so now I am another statistic...reason being...is from what I’m seeing...my skin is seen with privilege...because I’m not black I lack the same disrespect from cops that Tyrone might get...and yet I feel tired of being in my own skin...feeling responsible for the many wrongful deaths....in all depths...from wanted to be a cop...wearing a badge of a cop...to holding the gun of a cop...when will it stop...the motto is “him or me”....them or we...shoot to kill...not disable...because you leave him or her able to come back the next day to bring more to the table....apprehending is now becoming a fable...or turned into one...it’s easier to do damage with a taser or take a life solving problems permanently with a gun...than it is to disable make unable to run...no lesson to learn from...I might be white as so that’s the color they call my skin...but I’m from the same east New York Brooklyn city line shopping neighborhood black kids grew up in...as I grow older I grow colder to what police officers are trained to do...”Shoot to kill...not disable to make unable...to come back the next day to bring more to the table”.....as much as I would refuse to be a bullet ballistic...I am just like everyone else who is the color of my skin A statistic...
5/16/22
I helped others and put myself in danger
There I stood by a manger
Weighed down with an anchor
Full of anger
About to put one in the chamber
Because of far too much rancor
In this world it's become unfamiliar and more stranger
No more capers
For the remainder
I'll keep a razor
And a weapon with a laser
Always seeking answers, not just being a stargazer
I don't care if you got a hard edge like a sabre
Or if you're soft as a wafer
Knock you down a peg or 2 with my wits, fists or a taser
Quickly turn you to only vapors
Heart turning colder than a glacier
Sick of doing others favors
And having so many neighbors
I need space and more acres
In the city and out in nature
No today is not the day sir
Don't got time for haters
Sooner or later
The impact will be minor or it shall be major
She just think's I'm a loser and a player
I don't believe in prayer
Can't force the hand of one that will not waver
They try to peel back the layers
I take off like Speed Racer
Sending shots out toward all ya'll fakers
F*** all the billboards
And awards
You've been warned
Sharper than a thorn
To a peculiar accord I am sworn
I carry on with a sword, fighting against any horde
Occasionally feeling torn
Near fields of corn
The insects came in swarms
Went through all kinds of storms
It's all taking shape and form
But so very far from the norm
Many quick to sound the horn
Before they even know what is in store
From it all, I'm still getting bored
Little if anything satisfies anymore
Most just think I'm out my gourd
They're abhorred
Crying out "Oh Lord!"
Makes me want to snore
Or drive my Ford into a Fjord
In the end, I'll meet you at the morgue
Just kidding, until I'm no longer living
In a world that can be corrupt and unforgiving
What the is missing?
Something still but the puzzle pieces aren't fitting
In this small rural town it seems to be peaceful but there are dark secrets underneath the house
A required distinction of right and wrong
Self-mutilation, the pluck of three fingernails she must purge her sins
Screams of agony like bloody murder, her sister watches, a strain in bond
A demonic-alter ego was manifested that day
Her grief eventually drives her to murder
A once paranoid schizophrenia goes into metamorphous becoming a psychosis
The river of blood flows over and over again
All she ever wanted was to spare her love from sin
When her man left her others caught the blame and she perfected her killing technique realizing she was born to kill
She is delusional, she repeatedly deludes among others
With her taser her enemies feel numbness
In the caves they’re tortured until they confess their wrong, but even they are still dead
Her love is like ice it either crumbles and melts or stays intact
She laughs at the success of her deeds, she mentally breaks down
She is no longer the cute girl at Angel Mort
She is something else entirely
With her mischievous nature others suffer
Luring her targets to death in perfect fashion
Shion is god
When
They
Cry
IF YOU PULL A LONG FACE : Part VIII
IF you pull a long face
On 2019 New Year's Day
While at 2018 stick tongue out of face
You bade Her badbyes, everybody'd say
But if you pulled a long face
On the Eve of New Year's Day
Your Belle at Ball slapped your face
Leave her high and dry on Wedding Day
Now if you pulled along face
Thinking how 2018 made you pay
Wait to see how the 2019 Mephisto chase
Will mock cock eye and good ol' Faust slay
If you yet pulled a long face
All Eve-night with no-one to lay
Stay condemned by contumace
While plea-bargain culprits bray
So if you must pull a long face
Year in and year out up Calvary way
Don't buy taser to ease disgrace
Yama follows Atman just as June May
(2+1+9=12=3 follows 2+1+8=11=2)
© T. Wignesan, Paris, January 1st., 2019
How much honest you were
while climbing the stairs,
to inherit the shame of century,
invoking the remains ?
A hip will not move for the voidance.
A notch below, the
exhumation will prove the Taser
attack, stunning the history.
Let us sit and take over tea
under the depressed moon, pondering
on the nature of man. When
you reach the top, you become
a lesser rich. Groping the lonelier
grief of poverty, I become
more humane. The water swells
very often, I see the world
now by closed eyes.
I walk with my shadow shrunk
under my feet. I become
the world.
Satish Verma