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Ancient Art of Almond Milking

Dear friend, 

I am trying to master the ancient art of Almond Milking. It's quite difficult and my sweetie hasn't had a drink of almond milk in months. I started with cats to improve my dexterity, but they kept getting away and the little stinkers kept scratching me. The great thing about almonds is that they tend to be a bit more co-operative. I am hopeful that by Christmas I will have achieved my goal. 

There is one question I would appreciate an answer to, how do I find the nipple? I thought it was at the pointy end and as I was simultaneously squeezing the ends of two almonds they shot out from my fingers. I was mortified when they inadvertently struck the buttocks of a lady police officer. She turned around with such blinding speed I was surprised...What surprised me even more was that she drew and shot her Taser. Ironically both leads pierced my nipples. 

One last thing, do you know how I can get milk stains out of my shirt??? 

Sincerely,
Donald P. Thump




This piece was inspired by my friend David McKay after he sent the following email to me. His comment was the result of an earlier conversation about the  scene in the movie "Meet the Fockers." In the movie Ben Stiller says, "You can milk anything with nipples." Robert Deniro responds, "I have nipples, can you milk me?"

David's email: Thanks for joining us. Nice to see you and Mary again, and remember Richard "You can milk anything with nipples" Lol!

Ttyl!

David McKay
Sent from iPhone

Copyright © Richard Lamoureux | Year Posted 2016

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Lynn Marie Date: 3/28/2017 1:31:00 PM Well this certainly added vibrancy and a genuine belly laugh to my dreary rain soaked afternoon! The thought process to create such zealous introspection is very similar to the brilliance of Mr. Bean I imagine. The saying "Great minds think alike" has never felt more right for you both :-) It's interesting that when choosing a poem to read, one always seems to receive exactly what they need. A splendid write Richard. thank you :-) blessings xxx Login to Reply Richard Lamoureux Date: 3/28/2017 5:00:00 PM I'm pleased you enjoyed my bit of silliness.

Freddie Robinson Jr. Date: 12/19/2016 3:34:00 PM Very funny poem, Richard. Had me laughing nonstop for real. Cool imagery w/the cop lady and the taser. Your mind was in genius overdrive I bet. Anywho ... you penned my fave Almond Joy poem now. Which coincidentally is my fave candy bar. Hilarious poem. Love and peace to you. Login to Reply Richard Lamoureux Date: 12/19/2016 4:38:00 PM Great comment! Yo made my day Freddie.

Mama Bear Date: 12/14/2016 11:50:00 AM Son I am surprised in you You could not find the nipples We need to have a talk again about the squirrels and nuts You did give me a laugh and you get a 7 for this one. Love Mom Login to Reply Richard Lamoureux Date: 12/15/2016 7:57:00 AM I still think your flagpole poem takes the crown. Richard Lamoureux Date: 12/15/2016 7:56:00 AM I don't think we ever had that talk. That probably explains my confusion.

Eileen Manassian Date: 12/13/2016 8:08:00 PM OH DEAR OH DEAR!!! ;) I have rice milk and soya milk in my fridge. I've had almond milk too...anything is better than milk from a cow! ;) Poor cows...you never know what they go through...But dear me, nipples on an almond...HA HA HA HA!!! Good one, Richard. You do have a sense of humor. Hugs Login to Reply Richard Lamoureux Date: 12/13/2016 8:17:00 PM Thanks.;0) I'm just being silly. Hugs back to you.

Arthur Vaso Date: 12/11/2016 3:33:00 PM LOL Hilarious, this will be even more fun to read after my second rum!! :) Cheers Login to Reply Richard Lamoureux Date: 12/12/2016 8:17:00 AM Drink up my friend. Eileen h the right amount of alcohol I become endlessly fascinating.

Paul Callus Date: 12/11/2016 2:55:00 PM I have been entertained, Richard:):) Almond milk is not for me...but almonds yes. // paul Login to Reply Richard Lamoureux Date: 12/12/2016 8:18:00 AM I'm with you Paul. Besides that my fingers are cramping from all that squeezing.

Andrea Dietrich Date: 12/11/2016 12:58:00 PM this was GREAT. It is also so odd to me that we can have almond milk but thankfully we can. It is so much healthier for me than cow's milk and I can no longer have soy like I used to use! Login to Reply Richard Lamoureux Date: 12/11/2016 2:19:00 PM Just being silly. Thanks for visiting.

Jerry T Curtis Date: 12/11/2016 6:07:00 AM Very humorous piece Richard, although having drank almond milk I refuse in milking anything which in tales the squeezing of nuts ----sorry Rich but you kinda asked for it---lol Login to Reply Darren White Date: 12/31/2016 10:15:00 AM This made me laugh out loud here, and some very strange looks in my direction is the result :D Richard Lamoureux Date: 12/11/2016 12:24:00 PM Best comment so far! If I could favourite a comment this would take the cake.

Demetrios Trifiatis Date: 12/11/2016 3:56:00 AM So hilarious and so witty my friend ,Richard your poem is! Please keep some almond milk for me. You see I do not worry about milk stains! Haha! Login to Reply Richard Lamoureux Date: 12/11/2016 12:23:00 PM Ha ha, I'll be sure to chill a glass for you.

Tim Smith Date: 12/10/2016 11:33:00 PM This was fun Richard. My 17 yr old daughter is a good proponent of almond milk. It is a part of her healthy lifestyle Login to Reply Arthur Vaso Date: 12/11/2016 3:32:00 PM I add almond milk to my rums during holiday season! For my healthy lifestyle of course! Richard Lamoureux Date: 12/11/2016 1:45:00 AM It is quite good for you. Thanks for the visit Tim.

Casarah Nance Date: 12/10/2016 4:58:00 PM oh my... that was just strange, I have missed you lol... hugs xxx Login to Reply Richard Lamoureux Date: 12/10/2016 5:55:00 PM Hugs back to you Casarah.

Alexis Y. Date: 12/10/2016 11:02:00 AM Lol ! This is so darn funny. I literally laughed out loud! I loved that movie by the way. Well done.:-) Alexis Login to Reply Richard Lamoureux Date: 12/10/2016 11:12:00 AM Thanks Alexis, it is a pretty funny movie.

Paloma P Date: 12/10/2016 10:32:00 AM Laughing out loud here, you've got quite the imagination Richard, offbeat, goes well with Fockers. :) Login to Reply Paloma P Date: 12/10/2016 10:50:00 AM That's fine, the better to keep us entertained. Richard Lamoureux Date: 12/10/2016 10:39:00 AM Thanks Paloma. Sometime I am surprised by what my brain comes up with.