Best Irs Poems
You have disregarded instructions
Thus claiming improper deductions
Send money by mail
And IF you should fail
Your paycheck will suffer reductions...
“The hardest thing in the world to understand is income tax” - Albert Einstein
Submitted for: John Freeman’s contest
There was a madam who had a business in Shire,
In the oldest profession, she was for hire,
Alas, the tax people came,
But she didn’t think the same,
Because soon she wanted to retire.
She cried, “I have no savings; surely you jest,
Even the IRS can’t tax my breasts!
I just had them installed!
Aren’t you enthralled?
I bet you would never even guess!”
"Madam, even though your 401k,
Is in your ample breasts to stay,
I can see by your guests,
It still generates interest,
And for that you’ll have to pay!"
There once was a woman named Roxanne
Who had sex with many a fine man
She charged a big fee
And made them agree
To never disclose the business she ran
For Deb's contest...
Staring at the envelope, my eyes in disbelief.
The agency was known for causing fear and painful grief.
The words upon the notice were shouting out my name.
I still remember how I felt the day the letter came.
The beads of sweat rolled down my neck, my heart began to race.
Afraid to move a muscle, the blood had left my face.
Apparently, the IRS had found some type of error.
The news had brought me to a place of unrelenting terror.
It must be for an audit, they’d go back seven years.
I felt so faint for this was one of my most dreaded fears.
Although I had been careful every time I filed returns.
Checking all my figures, including all I earned.
Perhaps I added something wrong or made a big mistake.
They never would believe me, my head began to ache.
I held my breath and opened up the letter with great care.
I knew I was in trouble, I didn’t have a prayer.
I read the first few lines and then I fell onto my bed.
I thought I must be in a dream, imagined in my head.
They said they owed me money for an error they had made.
And they were very sorry that the payment was delayed.
**
Roses are red, Violets are blue.
A love letter postmarked "Internal Revenue."
2/8/ 2022
Contest: Roses are Red, Violets are Blue
a Valentine Challenge in One of Five Ways
Sponsor: Andrea Dietrich
~1st~
It's a bummer, man,
when you get one of those
I owe you letters from Uncle Sam
Wait a minute,
yeah dude, you got it wrong
They don't owe me, I owe them!
Talk about flipping the script
Get your umbrella, and play the raincoat song,
'cause I'm spittin' mad, I'm tired of getting pissed on
How can this be: seeing how I work everyday,
pay my taxes on time too
And then get a letter from the IRS,
saying I owe you!
Ugh ... sorry 'bout that again
Saying I owe them!
Something's not right,
something's very wrong
When the IRS keeps threatening me
with that lame going to prison song
They make me wanna start
spittin' on some graves,
start marking some doors
They make me start to wonder,
why even bother working anymore
After I did all my talking tough;
huffing and puffing, fuming and fussing,
I got on the phone and set a meeting up
That day came, and I went to their office
waiting to be handcuffed
As I was saying goodbye to the man in the mirror,
a nice lady walked in and said they made a clerical error
That I didn't owe them, they owed me,
and the man in the mirror said, well I'll be
So that's the end of the story,
a story I still find hard to believe
The internal department of the psychic friends,
Aggravation can find a dollar before it is printed,
Like Christmas tax day comes once a year,
It will take that long to pay one bill,
Ask Santa for it under the tree it will appear,
The parasite, the invalid, it can't help itself ,
It's eating away a the system,
You can't kill it, it's like bad grass,
It just sucks your blood and laughs,
The more you give it the more it wants,
They use your mind, your body, and your soul,
No matter how bad it hurts, it can hurt somemore,
Hand stretched out arms open wide,
It invites everyone to be on it's side,
It runs like water it's hard to hold,
It rund out of your pocket until there is no more,
Like maduca the seven headed moster with a sore,
It won't stop kicking until you are is sore,
Men ain't free it's a IRS guarantee,
They can not stand the sun to shine,
They tell you what to think,
You can't fight City Hall because they put up a ten foot wall,
They can't hear, can't see, and won't speak no evil,
A crooked road where will this lead us,
To the deaths of the masses,
It spews hate it's the only thing that lasts,
Everything else is a worn out song,
"Follow the IRS you can't go wrong,
The IRS and it's sympathizers,
Go early to bed they are early risers,
Can't make love you can't go to war,
Not for a good reason or things worth fighting for,
Who's your daddy? What's your mama name,
Ask me no questions it's the end of the game,
Stand up sit down what should I do?
The IRS wants to get next to you,
They'll burn your house, they'll take your child,
Can't have it, ain't getting it,
I ain't got and I ain't gonna get.
The IRS Ate My Homework
I tried to tell anyone who would listen
How my homework went oddly missing
The dog was overused and has no teeth to chew
The teacher was tired of that excuse
First I told a little white lie and then another
But my teacher knew it was a cover
He wasn't buying what I was selling
There is nothing like the truth I’m told
A brilliant idea came to mind so clear so bold
I sold it on the spot
Anyone can easily see in this great land
America’s most honest people in the world
Employed their master plan to help me
The IRS ate my homework whole
They suffered indigestion
When they were questioned
They didn't even flinch
Took the 5th
(Which is the grade I’m in coincidentally)
And went about their business
(Which is a secret)
Just ask my teacher or Lerner
Up To Your IRS
My exemptions upped;
Ended up being bankrupt;
They were all corrupt.
James Thesarious Hilarious Horn
The IRS We Have Come To Hate
By Elton Camp
They don’t even sends forms anymore
Like they used to do in years before
Maybe it really doesn’t matter anyway
The rules get more complex every day
Take the amount from Line Thirteen
And guess correctly what it is we mean
That five dollars interest that you drew
Be sure to include in your income too
If more tax you have to pay
You must send it in right away
If it’s a refund you are due
Expect it in a month or two
If you dare try to short your Uncle Sam
You must expect him to give a body slam
It’s not that taxes I don’t want to pay
But surely there must be a better way
The Holiday Season has come and gone.
Bank balance for that spree is overdrawn.
Now I'm feeling mighty glum.
Since Sam wants a hefty sum,
The house and my dog I may have to pawn!
Entry for Carolyn Devonshire's "Tax And Finance Limerick" Contest
(Male)
I have always said: It’s never wise to mix Trolls and the IRS.
When they get mad… They don’t listen or always do what’s best.
Trolls are quite the fighters and have been winning fights for years.
Who do you think fights the hardest and trains our really great SEALS?
Well a smart Mouthed IRS guy came to our door the other day.
I knew there would be trouble when he ask for a Troll, by his name.
I told him it would be better if I got a lawyer to go as a go between.
But naturally, he knew better… He wanted to see him, im-med-iate-ly!
But, you can’t fix stupid, and the agent didn’t flinch at a Troll, ten foot tall.
He thought the bigger the better, for then, the harder they would fall.
Well, I knew if someone was falling… it wouldn’t be the Troll.
So, I ushered them outside, for I have a rule “No fighting while indoors”.
Sure enough, within minutes, the agent was found running down the street.
His hair a fright, his shirt torn, wobbling, and one shoe lost, in his retreat.
He was hollering about coming back… and that he would bring the police.
I just waved him good-bye, for around here, we have a law to keep the peace.
The law says, “Absolutely no inciting trouble with Trolls, inside the city limits”.
So I called the sheriff, who was a friend, and explained about the IRS visit.
When the IRS Guy arrived he was given a lawyer and shuffled off to jail.
For there’s an old IRS law, “Don’t talk directly to Trolls, send a lawyer there”.
Lawyers always smile and aren’t threatening while they talk brilliantly on.
Indeed, their words send the fiercest Trolls to sleep, as they go on and on.
And then of course the Trolls will be nice and agree to almost anything…
Just so they’ll be left alone… perchance to dream in peace.
I got a letter in the mornin’ mail.
It said “We’re gonna get you. You will go to jail.”
It said “We’ve got some questions on you tax return.
It’s people just like you that never seem to learn.”
“We know you’re earning money that we just can’t see.
Yet ev’ry other year you’re pleadin’ bankruptcy.
We got you in the middle of a big-time lie.
Your ex-wife, she has promised she will testify.
I called up my attorney but he wasn’t there.
They said he’d flown to Mexico, but who knows where?
He’s just been audited for filing five years late,
And claiming business dinners he ain’t never ate.
And then I called my congressman, but he said “No.
I’d love to help you son, but I’ve just got to go.
I just received a letter from the I.R.S.
My secretary’s telling them my business.
So I picked up my papers and I went on in,
I got down on my knees and then I said, “You win.”
They told me they were sorry, but it’s their mistake.
I pinched myself to see if I was still awake.
They said that their computer got my last name wrong.
They said I had a refund comin’ all along.
I said, “Well thank you folks. I’ll see you next year.”
And then I went and hid myself behind a beer.
You’d better not mess with the I.R.S.
Or you’ll be messing with your happiness.
1979
He seems to be new and I so cool
Walk over to introduce myself
I notice a clue his polished shoes
And the badges shiny on his belt
It seems my desk was a mess
As the man had searched high and low
I'm Bob he says with the IRS
Your company's assets will be froze
In fact lady come with me
There are questions for you and news
Today was a good day indeed
For the audited IRS blues.
2/14/2021
It’s coming, that time of the year,
to do up my taxes, I fear.
I shake with great fright
and toil through the night.
What’s owed is becoming too clear.
I regret the money I’ve spent
on food and the lights and the rent.
My cat needs a job;
a bank I may rob.
‘Twill do me no good to dissent.
Female - garnet