Best Groucho Poems
Written: March 5, 2012
Updated: March 11, 2012
Listen to nurse's report including the news
that Joe and Wilma like each other.
Check all rooms and find that Roger is out of his bed
and down on the floor again.
(Hip not broken yet.)
Answer Wanda's light to calm her justified paranoia
because she knows that she is somewhere other
than her home but just can't figure out where that is.
Answer Jeremy's light to help him sip his water
while he giggles at his favorite T.V. show.
Accept his thanks and feel your heart break again to see a
45 year old man who can no longer control his limbs be so
appreciative of such a small act of kindness...big act of kindness.
Check on Jack even though he doesn't turn on his light
because you hear suspicious noises coming from his room.
Help Jack to bed after you find him swatting an
imaginary fly with an imaginary fly swatter.
Try to re-position Emma so that she is comfortable
even though her limbs are fetal-position frozen.
Kindly lie to yourself about her comfort so that you can
control your guilt when leaving the room.
Go into Jackie's room when she starts her usual screaming
that "she doesn't want to be here, and her family hates her
and that's why she's here."
Kindly lie to her and control your shame because you know that
what she is saying probably is true.
Answer ex-model Mabel's light and listen to her story about
how she could have married Groucho Marx, but that she married
her true-love instead.
Feel a sense of sad pride when Anna proudly explains to you
how she keeps track of her day by tracking her activities as she
would have for patients when she was a nurse.
Keep taking care of and giving these people (not patients)
love every chance that you get.
Gail's notes: Portrait of Joe and Wanda is the sequel to this. To protect the privacy of those who have lived before us, the names have been fictionalized, and the events semi-fictionalized.
"Book Worms" Posted 1 Feb 2021
i'm reading a book about anti-gravity I can't put it down
that bio of Led Zeppelin's guitarist is a real Page turner
don't miss this: "Dummies For Dummies" by Charlie McCarthy and Lamb Chop
i'll admit there is a time and place for books in my hand and right now
in one college course we read books about candy the class was Choc Lit
today I got hit on the head by a book I have my shelf to blame
[humor attribution: all humor found online of unknown origin]
"But Weight, There's More" Posted 8 Feb 2021
for some of us during COVID overeating is a weigh of life
when i feel plump i tell myself i'm not overweight, i'm undertall
those who sell books on dieting are living off the fat of the land
darwin's theory of sumo wrestling the survival of the fattest
during lockdown, i'm on the seafood diet i see food, i eat it
i saw my doctor and asked him what kind of shape i'm in he said "pear"
[humor attribution - all were found online, of unknown origin]
"Groucho Marx Edition" Posted 15 Feb 2021
if i said you had a gorgeous body would you hold it against me?
i would never belong to a club that would have me as a member
be open minded but not so open minded that your brains fall out
i never forget a face but in your case, i'll make an exception
i have had a perfectly wonderful evening but this wasn't it
those are my principles and if you don't like them, well, I have others
All humor attributed to the inimitable Groucho Marx
"Occupational Hazards" Posted 22 Feb 2021
my dentist's motto be true to your teeth or they will be false to you
bakers trade recipes with each other on a knead to know basis
I called a budget exterminator he came with a flyswatter
the butcher backed into the meat grinder and got behind in his work
a back- and neck-straightener in Egypt is called a Cairo practer
don't call me a plumber I am a "broker in new and used water"
[Humor attribution - all humor found online, attribution unknown]
I picked "cinqku" because I don't know
what form that is, and I'm too lazy to
look it up; but if you've ever read any
of my poetry you should know I don't
want to lead anyone down a particular
path, but just that you read into what
you want to read into. However,
comments are left open to release,
and it seems PoetrySoup has an in
and an outside crowd. As Groucho
Marx once said (maybe a paraphrase)
"I wouldn't want to be a member of
a club that would want me as a
member."
So, with my last poem I stated about
paying my bill. So I have settled what
I owe, but I do leave a big tip, and if
you are wise you will follow, Maureen
McGreavy is the best TASTE out of
this pot.
For you bible pushers and preachers, "In
the beginning was the WORD." Choose
your words wisely. That verbal stone you
skipped might just hit you in the ****.
My wife has often said, "Why is the F word
the first thing out your mouth when you were
class scholar and magna cum laude?" F them.
Karl Marx was a historian and scholar
Groucho Marx whooped it up and hollered
Both of them were starved for attention
Neither of them honorable menschen *
____________________________________
* 'Menschen' in Yiddish literally means 'men.'
But it is used to describe honorable, decent
human beings, kind and caring.
Father’s Day Tribute to My Grandfather
Written on June 2, 2012
Updated on June 11, 2014
Resembling Groucho Marx as you aged,
I often found you dozing in
your favorite chair.
Perhaps, dreaming of your parents,
or when you arrived in America on Ellis Island
with your Mother and brothers?
Your tired skin was
a result of a working man’s life.
Your green tattoo on your arm
was a souvenir of your veteran status.
Always caring, you were the leader
of the team I was born into.
You protected the family psyche and integrity,
and wisely guided us with your voice of reason.
Even though you are no longer here in the physical world,
You are forever in my heart and soul.
Written by Gail DeBole on January 26, 2013
Whiskers and wisdom all in one.
Generously and gently protecting us.
Every grandchild thought they were your favorite.
You in your long johns at night.
Joking during the day like Groucho Marx.
Sleeping in your favorite chair.
Smoking smelly cigars that callously killed you.
And yet I treasure one of the boxes left from those smelly cigars.
The farm was not the same without you.
We were not the same without you.
I was too young to know.
What A Revolting Development
(Not by Groucho or Karl Marx)
Bernie with bent back grudges does carry
Decided to become another Revolutionary
Always knowing exactly what he meant
By this being a revolting development.
Hillary's tough questions were a strain
Until about brilliant Bernie did complain
Just because people prefer my sound advice
Was paid handsomely which was very nice.
Just how handsome do you have to be
When you are in competition with me
With talkative staff started to scrimmage
One had a professor and grandfather image.
All of this did come up with a certain feel
That to younger voters would have appeal
To make sure and eliminate all of the doubt
Made sure young women were not left out.
Closer and closer campaign competition became
Who would be President receiving glory and fame?
But what if your shoddy support were to lack
We should go in search of some Super Pack.
Bernie went door to door and bell after bell
Said, Don't vote for Hillary Dillary in the Dell
By my blessed appearance you could have been
With me and wrinkled clothes looking like a ruffian.
Heard some say I surely look like a Sherlock
At home with pipe in mouth which is a crock
And in front of home we do have a doormat
Saying I have become a stubborn Democrat.
What if old Holmes's hat I were to wear?
Do you think this would start a new scare?
At least mine is much better the Ben's brain
Thinks Egyptians in Pyramids store their grain.
But when by many who Ben they all adore
Are told he dropped out and ain't in race anymore
They did discover something about Ted Cruzer
Is a bruiser, blunt, big bully and a lalapaluzer.
Any dirty tricks, you pick, and Cruz has tried
Lied about original country where he did abide
And when atmosphere became dull and grim
Why would one more Republican vote for him?
Cruz has sold his own party down the drain
Republican voters for him have much disdain
Discovered greener on Democrat side is the clover
So if Republican or undecided come right on over.
I think Republican Right is know as Tea Party
which consists of a huge bunch of malarkey.
James Thesarious Hilarious Horn
Retired Veteran and Poet
RiverSea Plantation
Bolivia, NC
MISANTHROPE
For Mel, my wordsmith
I miss you my misanthropos
My groucho cynic hermit
But I’m glad you left my life
For now I love a man called Phil
And he loves all that you abhor
Mankind, marriage, me
My kind-hearted Philanthropos
Who I can’t fault for misogyny
Or misology or even misogamy
Misanthropos, I wish you well
I am not the person to misein
And you are still an anthropos
I promised once to love forever,
My doubter, mocker, pessimist,
My sexist anti-feminist…
But:
Enough is finally enough
My Phil and I wish you well
You sourpuss, killjoy, gloomer
I’m off to better futures
You stay here in your shell.
Your torrid feminine allure stoked my desire,
Like an ancient dragon breathing on Hell’s fire,
Our spirits began to dance,
A sultry minuet,
Spiraling higher than we could ever expect,
A universe of stars could,
Never glisten as bright as your eyes,
The grandeur of your smile,
Eclipses an auroral sunrise.
Your wit is as sharp,
As a Groucho Marx line,
Your intellect is on a par,
With Albert Einstein.
Your compaction dictates,
You take the underdog’s side,
And by nature,
You could not even a fly.
Your capacity for love,
Is like no other,
You are an artist, a musician,
A mother and my lover.
Now that you don’t have,
Time to grow old,
Everyone’s heart you touch,
Turns to gold.
The howling winds of March
Furious gusts of air
mightily blow bestirring anchored poet
sitting comfortably numb
securely strapped in his hard to maneuver
easy bath chair
while all around him debris
strewn helter skelter everywhere
heavy objects unmoored
pirouetting topsy turvy
defying laws of physics
cue Adam Smith
courtesy his invisible hand
eulogizing, kickstarting, and regulating
unseen cogs and gear
in order to avoid being plucked up
analogous to whirling dervish
ye dear reader best don
top of the line name brand ironware
to fend off soundcloud
analogous to webbed
whirled wide rooky banshee
hounding kingly bishopric
inducing royal knightmare
whereat pawns called play
as damage control representatives
ultimately linkedin to medicare
for bodily harm suffered
and property destruction
doled out courtesy Nationwide Insurance,
nevertheless yours truly
experienced heightened anxiety
cuz I accidentally, casually, easily,
et cetera eavesdropped,
though a polite gentleman (boot no scholar)
loud talking policyholder
anyone could easily overhear
their strident vocalizations
and they owned chutzpah to *****
re: me for listening to conversation
threatening with abominable language to scare
living daylights, which nearly caused
writer of these words
to soil his underwear
such vociferous threats
wrought quick thinking defense posture,
whereby my ordinary shy demeanor
empowered after downing
powder milk biscuits
(cuz heaven's their tasty)
and declaring warfare
against being bullied
versus suffering as token scapegoat
most every year
from boyhood until emerging adulthood.
After crafting above lines
current generated via whoosh;
I sat mine hind quarters
(otherwise referred to the tush),
which signalled to Doctor Quackenbush,
(id est Groucho Marx)
not deficient with quick wit
whose hook, line and sinker
word of the day namaycush
helped one environmental seaman
high (fish) tail to Hindu Kush
where removal from madding crowd
spiritually inoculated one
with a profound hush.
date: Feb 15, 2017
Always the same little hash joint.
For lunch, the identical dish -
in Kremzer's, on Mott and Delancey,
potatoes and yiddisher fish.
His real name was Julius Henry,
but "Groucho" is how he was known.
His whim was to lunch in the corner,
unsmiling, unnoticed, alone.
So in comes a true-born impresser,
a back-slapping man about town.
He's towing some Princeton professor,
and eyeballs the vaudeville clown.
Finagling faux introductions,
the forte of showbusiness sharks:
he'll astonish the ecrivain manque ...
"I'll get you an entree with Marx!"
He gives it the big how's-it-going,
the Princeton prick shuffles his feet.
But Groucho, unseeing, unknowing,
uncaring, continues to eat.
"This man wrote 'The Vanderbilts', damn it!"
(incipient panic attack).
Without looking up, answers Groucho,
"The Vanderbilts - did they write back?"
Classic Radio
I crave classic radio!
Boston Blackie and The Shadow;
Captain Midnight; Fibber Maggie and Molly;
Ace detectives fighting crime;
Or comedians making up limericks in rhyme.
Keep the TV for my husband to watch now
As I wear earphones, letting him wonder how
It is I’m laughing so much through every hour
As snarky sleuths and Groucho Marks make our
Pups wag their tails as my happy mood devours
The winter gloom that can pervade the room.
The old jokes I hear are so old they do seem new.
The shows span post-war-2 through the mid-fifties,
Before every home in America had TV’s,
So thus passed every hour by radios every night,
Waiting for suspense dramas or live boxing fights.
I was a baby in those days, hearing the Lone Ranger
On Silver riding masked into the sunset, a better
Man in an era when good differing bad was clear.
Still, it’s I who now, in this era, keeps a mask near.
You can search Classic Radio shows on the net,
For hours of escape in our chaotic days, and get
Your hands busy to do other things, for you
May exercise or write or clean or dream into
The imagination expansion power of Listening cues.
———————————————————————————————————————
c)sally Young eslinger 1/30/21
Courtesy of Marx (albeit Zeppo,
Harpo, Groucho, and Chico), whose
acts (along Seuss iz Zacks Fifth
Avenue) brought generations of
laughter to Vaudeville, and then
the Silver Screen adlibbed, linkedin,
and ransacked skits zoid material
Bing very loosely based on his best
known writings (Oh Pee Yet Of The
Masses) by Karl Marx (no relation
to Bros Grin), and Friedrich Engels
whar they whiz instrumental qua
Cingular Capitalone political philosophy
paradigm as spit, and (shoe) shining,
seducing, and salivating players trans
formed Msn Netzero Linkedin Petsmart
Aleck outlook and pinterest, when their
collective insight did cents how masses
(i.e. bourgeois) took a rakish (otherwise)
up standing Norwegian bachelor farmer
for comic relief to break monotony of
agrarian obligations, and serve up one
heaping healthy portion per production,
sans whatever whims would crop
up by infusing thespian showdown
incorporating commune nic cache shun
(disproportionate) app peals studded terrain
with locked havens avast re shtetl ment.
Hoi Polloi re: common folk in sore need
of distraction and belief in a brighter side
of life, than saliva dehydrating brute nose
to the grindstone pathetic existence, yoked
as oxen to plows, where plodding tattered
shod feet scraped a pencil thin line, whence,
seeds sprinkled into futile ruts forecast angry
birds to shutterfly, twittering like bada$$
beastie boys Dharma bumming while On
The Yellow Brick Road.
Inn ascent bystanders avian avatars initially
supposedly sprung from ergot, mushroom
and/or smut spores, whereas the myth of
one mortal idol (Matthew Scott Harris) did
rival Vladimir Ilich (frequently corrupted into...
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
—Groucho Marx
Adventure is just bad planning.
—Roald Amundsen
Must Be A Carnival
Lady, what did you see
advertised? Boat leaves the dock.
Your apparel, a shock.
Going cruis’n…cruis’n you say.
No time
to be lose’n.
Lady, did you pack light? …for
romantic nights. Take a peek
out the window. It’s after dark.
Tourists, look a bit screwy,
you’re near. Must be a Carnival,
it’s not.
This ship is a swing’n.
Everyone’s going out
for some drink’n.
You weren’t expecting
hot chocolate. Your Summer dress
blow’n in Alaskan winds.
The cold wrapping your legs
sans warmers. Your sandals
flopping upon the deck.
Lady, people are staring.
Have you beamed aboard?
Did someone blindfold you?
Were you buffaloed? Petunia,
are you dense? Pretense,
that you are at ease.
“I meant to dress this way.”
or perhaps it was a dare.
Daring for sure.
Lady, the ship looks a bit
lopsided,
with you.
If you really want someone to love you
You should set aside making them happy
And just focus on why you love them.
We’re all flawed, I am certain you know too,
For when feeling unloved we feel crappy
Though our egos might shine at the gym!
Hard enough to believe that she values
Things inside that you doubt people notice
For self-doubt is where most of us live.
Though her love might look real, doubt continues,
The intransigent fear of a lotus,
Holding beauty is not much to give.
So don’t think you’re to blame if rejected
Even God has to struggle with this one
It’s just part of the dance we go through.
Groucho Marx to all friendships objected
Never sought any club’s satisfaction
So sure devil had staked out his due.
Simply tell me you love what you’re seeing
And you hope that I also have noticed
Some traits charming enough to be fair.
I don’t care if we’re ever agreeing,
Or if you will be true the remotest,
Please just drag me back home to your lair.
Long Tooth
June 2, 2016