Best Gran Poems
My old gran had an ice cream van
And a bright green cape and a madcap plan
She’s out to save her fellow man
And with her walking frame, she can
Each night she prowls the felon’s range
Disturbing owls and foxes
She takes the van so she can change
For there are no phone boxes
She parks up at the end of night
And hobbles home by day’s first light
Today she caught a mugger’s sight
Who mocked my Gran’s heroic fight
‘Fighting crime is not a game
You’re just some soppy, daft old, dame
You’re leaning on that walking frame
To get some place or other.
‘Without your cape you’ve no disguise
Without your mask over your eyes
It might be wise to realise
You’re just some kid’s grandmother.’
Grandma raised her walking frame
Toward from where the voice had came
She asked the thug, ‘Have you no shame?’
And with her walking frame, took aim
One leg sprayed out chocolate sauce
Another leg sprayed sprinkles
Then Grandma pressed a button
And her van played tuneful tinkles
She gave the thug a wily grin
‘You’ll get the slammer some day
But today I’ve turned you in…
to an ice cream sundae.’
Strange things happened that last time my Grandpa drove to town
He scrapped a nine eleven and mowed a phone booth down
Folkies in the future will very likely sing
The man trashed a McDonald’s but spared a Burger King
It barely made the papers, just local news in some
Someone should have told them that there was worse to come
Spielberg’s gonna make a movie, if the rumour’s sound
Of the total devastation when Grandma drove to town
19 December 2018
For Succinct contest
Sponsor Michelle Faulkner
When you hit life’s low
in deep confusion
of which it seemed no end,
I recall you thanking God
for one’s family also I
your grandson a very good friend.
Whilst your body racked with pain
torment you could not hide
an instance of loving charms,
when from your heart
a welcome sincere
within ever open arms.
© Harry J Horsman 2010
Gran
I’m at me Gram’s for tea tonight
She’ll have the fire stoked up nice
Run me a bath and make me tea
She likes to fuss and look after me
I walk through the door an I’m unwrapped
Scarf, Hat, Gloves hands round face clasped
She smells of Lavender and Mint Humbugs
Through layers of wool come wonderful hugs
I’m ushered into her parlour, and sat in the chair
She puts more wood on the fire, and red cheeks flare
We talk about my day, and Dad in the Navy
Dinners ready, Pie, Mash, Peas and Gravy
The doorbell rings and Mums home from work
I collect all my bags and give Gran a smirk
“Go on with you” she says, and gets sweets from the tin
Mum opens the car door and I clamber in
I love my Gran, and she loves me
Can’t wait to go next week for tea
Two weeks of sun at Xmas and new year
Palm Oasis in our nineteenth year
Always a joy around the pool we sat
Never did we think to make a friend
Called Boris the cat
The old chap was friendly and his nose had seen many battles
We called him Boris as he resembled our Prime Minister
His white fur also a mess but not so sinister
He would take his afternoon nap
Curled up on Rita's lap
Both seemed to enjoy each others friendship
Laying in the sun
Now both new friends sharing fun
Two weeks flew by lazy by the pool
But it was now over and time to go
We love you Boris and see you again in two years
You never know
I was just a child,
My heart did not know pain.
But I returned from school one day
My world never was the same
I learned that you had left us,
To join with the angels high above,
And the bitter tears fell down pale cheeks
In contrast with sweet love.
My heart had broken, shattered,
pieces strewn across the floor.
I longed to hear your voice again
And to embrace you just once more.
How was it so possible,
For a love to slip away?
For you to be taken from us so cruelly,
To never see the light of day?
I write for you, my loved one,
I write straight from the heart.
Ad I hope that if you happen to look down,
You’re at least proud of me for that.
You are the inspiration
Behind this poem than I write
And my words can not revive you
But I can hope that one day,
Maybe, they just might.
When you're burgling, awareness is best;
When he saw her, he thought 'twas in jest.
Forgetting the shih tzu,
Or Granny's jujitsu,
Both his shirt and some charges were pressed.
Theft and laundering just do not pay,
Not when Granny is holding the spray.
Got starched for his error,
He stiffened in terror;
Slapped with irons, they took him away.
----------
for the Limerick Poetry Contest
sponsored by Lisa YY
written on 07/15/2022
[For those of you unfamiliar with the Ice Cream Gran saga,
Ice Cream Gran or Turbo Gran is a crime fighting granny.
Guess what she drives…..]
****
Ice Cream Gran, in her ice cream van
Turned on her cheerful tune
Today she’s free to serve ice cream…
No crime this afternoon
Her new Black Forest ice cream
Which would normally have cherries
Is now her new best seller
Since she changed them for strawberries
A lady, large and very brash
Said, ‘Large with chocolate chips,
not in a cone but in a dish,
those cones sit on my hips.’
Her snottty son who seemed quite young
Said, ‘Give me ice cream now!’
He then got let down by his tongue
which said, ‘You daft old cow.’
‘Of course, young man,’ said Ice cream Gran
‘Is chocolate sauce all right?’
He grabbed the cone and wolfed it down
And whimpered, ‘Gaaaaarrrrhhh…. Marmite!
But when her secret phone announced
That crime was now occurring
Gran said you’d best be on your way
There’s crime to be deterring
So Turbo Gran sped up the street
Her turbo van high-tailing
Its sirens like that rude young man
We’re positively wailing
22 June 2022
Contest: Ice Cream Poetry
Sponsor: Julia Ward
Christmas eve night coming home
When grand marketing is done
Foot stepping high over stony loam
Heart panting for the merry fun
Suddenly the noise is not the same
The humming of figuring tongues
Changed to bush crackling with flame
The frantic scream of happy lungs
The scampering glee of feet, and there
The lurid lurch of masks, and fifes
Wooing me close to the bantering air
Of drums: jon kunno! A whip of strifes
Lashes out from the past, a sweet peel
Of laughter says hush, we are healed.
Turbo Gran’s Zimmer is right by her side
Her head is tipped back and her mouth open wide
Time was she saved every human alive
On land or in flight or a deep ocean dive
The armchair recliner impossibly old
Just get a new one, she’s often been told
She never spent money on night cream for wrinkles
All her spare cash went on sauces and sprinkles
Kids loved her ice cream, they also loved Gran
They barely believed that she fought like a man
But now she lies still, with the cat she likes best
Turbo and Nitro, two heroes at rest
But when her phone rings and it’s screen comes alight
She opens one eye and prepares for the fight
Thus, when the call comes, she stands firm and steady
It seems then, Dear reader, she’ll go when she’s ready.
My old Gran, met an ice cream man
Who welcomed her into the clan
Of superhero ice cream men
Who fend off villains now and then
He gave her top crime fighting tips
And lots of special chocolate chips
They’ll pump your muscles, fix your hips
If two or three should pass your lips
We’ve also got a gadget man
Looking at your ice cream van
He’ll supercharge the things he can
And then we’ll call you Turbo Gran
*
One week later, first time out
Turbo went out on the scout
When two muggers robbed a man
Turbo Gran pulled up the van
She grabbed some chocolate chips to eat
These would make her hard to beat
She hurled some ice cream down the street
And underneath the mugger’s feet
Their every step did slip and slide
They reached a barn and hid inside
The barn was stacked up high with logs
But P.C. Hoggs had brought the dogs
‘Hey, Turbo Gran, you gotta laugh,
those muggers left an ice cream path.’
The dogs sniffed where ice cream was slicked
And pretty soon those thieves were licked
So now they call her Turbo Gran
It’s written on her ice cream van
With ‘Speedy’ written on each door
Just listen to it’s engine roar
So watch her go, my crazy gran
My grandma with a souped up van
To call her ‘Turbo’, please feel free
But she’s still ‘Ice Cream Gran’ to me
[This episode in the Ice Cream Gran saga is inspired by
Jennifer Proxenos’ comment on another of my poems.]
*
Ever since she saved the world, she can’t hide any place
For now her fame is global and the whole world knows her face
But from outside, she hears a loud and quite suspicious din
She holds her breath until she’s sure nobody’s coming in
Cautiously, she nears her door and opens it a tad
Three old ladies stand there, one is bleeding and looks mad
She said beneath your car we’ve found a very chilly moggie
And it’s been pouring down, so all the roads are cold and soggy
I struggle with my knees but still I knelt to set it free
I think it’s feral cos it made a jigsaw out of me
Turbo Said that car’s not mine, for I am Ice Cream Gran
And I take measures to conceal my bright pink ice cream van
But let me grab my zimmer and I’ll see what I can do
I’d better take some chocolate chips, perhaps a sprout or two
She quickly grabbed her mask and cape and went outside to help
Then looked under the car before she let out quite a yelp
Turbo leapt back from car, she bled where she’d been scratched
Her eyes were red like lasers and a vengeful plan was hatched
The wheels popped off, the car collapsed and squashed that kitty flat
But then the car flipped over to reveal an angry cat
Oops, said ice cream Gran as she beheld its cape and mask
You only had to purr at me, was that too much to ask
For underneath the car was dark, and my excuse is that
My special turbo eyesight didn’t see you, Nitro Cat
She said you are my cat, we make a top notch turbo team
But can’t you just be happy with a dish of whipped ice cream
For, yes, I know you like to be the top cat hereabouts
But you will be in trouble if you keep eating my sprouts
A Special Dark Run
A Pile of Fetty For Fun
Crystal Natures and a Ton of Bad Jokes
I said it all but thats not all I had to Say poke.
I had To Stay broke Huh.
To see how rich the fix is
I had a simple Plan
Purely Intrinsic Huh
In consequence
Of course the relay of course
The Bang we play
Got me wondering about my biscuits
Ima silly hammer
Hambone Scammers and schemers
Bad mamma jamma spree planners
Sagittarius and wee little
Stars that twinkle in the night sky
A good reason why we keep
Walking why don’t you knock
Stand around awhile and talk
Signal them and chalk it up to the sidewalk
Sitting here checking out the rocks in the concrete
Little River stone
Im sitting here tripping, Not always alone
Who the are we missing
Lets go back and get em
Before we go to the next show
My Buddy was walking down the rd
Though the blacktop and dirty socks
Though the mad talk
And 333 packages of pop rocks
666 broken pipes
I needed some more last night
I needed a reason
To leave I needed
Some time to rethink
To think again
I need to survive
I need someone to
Rely on to relay with
To replay the day for forget about the
Weight we carry the way we barely
Notice
Im sure im a sex fiend and there
No way to come clean
There no way billy jean
Is not my lover
You know it takes a special lever
With hands of pure gold
With a spirit that sparkles like diamonds
Prolly for my own lust
Prolly a hundred times I tried not luck
But on the hundred and first time
I scored a critical hit
On the first of whenever
Your first check clears
The lever thrown.
Watching from the corner, in her ‘Speedy’ ice cream van
While armed and hooded villains carry out their wicked plan
They rob the bank and make off just as quickly as they can
But Speedy does a wheelie at the hands of Turbo Gran
One robber floors the pedal and one winds his window down
To shoot up their pursuer as they hurtle out of town
But Speedy’s armour plated and its glass is bullet proof
Old Turbo had that fitted when a bullet took her tooth
So now she takes no prisoners as she races up the street
In pursuit of all the bad guys whom she cannot wait to meet
And when a handbrake turn gyrates the villain’s car around
Turbo Gran brakes sharply with a tyre screeching sound
Then, like some Wild West stand-off where no cowboy goes for it
Everything is silent… until Speedy starts to split
The split goes up the windscreen then it runs from front to back
And then there is a high pitched ‘Ding’ as Speedy’s two halves crack
The gap between them widens as the ice cream van unzips
And Turbo Gran stands leaning on her Zimmer’s rubber grips
Out of the car, two robbers undo violin case clips
While Turbo calmly munches on a dozen chocolate chips
Turbo Gran, in mask and cape, is gazing at the heavens
Not staring down the barrels of the AK47s
One villain speaks, ‘Hey Granny, I suggest you make your peace’
Then both of them are flattened by the two crash-landing geese
Sirens fast approaching, mean that Turbo Gran should exit
A grannie in a mask and cape… well… nobody expects it
Her Zimmer’s on her shoulder as she strides back to the van
The halves slam shut and Speedy nips off like a rocket man
*
Turbo Gran is rocking in her chair, facing the tele
She wonders if twelve chocolate chips were just a few too many
For when those geese crashed from the sky like massive feathered arrows
She had to face it, she was shocked… she’d meant to bring down sparrows
Gran had had a busy night
And so I manned the van
I said if you want ice cream, Kids
This evening, I’m your man
All the children shouted out
It’s Gran we want to see
Because there’s not much cash about
She gives us ice creams free
I said that's just the kind of thing
That Ice Cream Gran would do
So if she gives out free ice cream
I’ll do the same thing too
Those kids sure had an appetite
And many asked for two
A couple ordered three or four
And soon my stock was through
I drove the van around to Gran’s
Its chimes I couldn’t ring
For when she let me take the van
She said, ‘DON’T TOUCH A THING.’
I told her that the kids were grateful
For her charity
But when I told her what I meant
She simply glared at me
And when she spoke she said to me
You know of you I’m fond
But those kids saw you coming
You were well and truly conned
In future I will serve the kids
And combat villains too
And telling of my exploits?
Well, I’ll leave THAT to you.