Best Freaking Poems
Ms. Dolly has something with things
that a naked eye can’t see.
Once she went for dinner;
a charming date,
and a plate of fine cuisine.
A plate of tilapia fish was right in front of her.
She could see an eye looking straight
at her – still and unblinking. She felt as though
the fish was staring right at her.
She gasped in terror,
as though she had seen a ghost.
“Are you okay dear?” her lover asked.
“It’s the fish!” she said.
Her lover thought that it was the pepper;
he ordered her another fish,
this time without pepper. Another still,
unblinking eye she saw – she gasped once
again.
“What’s wrong now, honey?” he asked.
“The eyes!” she said, her face
flashing in terror.
Her lover then thought her eyes had a problem.
“I’ll get you the best optician in town,” he promised her.
“I can’t stand all what I’m seeing!” she said, amid
breaking whispers….
Date of Entry: 8/27/2016
Snow, snow, freaking damn snow
When will it end, sure nobody knows
A pretty mild winter
Now hear me whimper
Enough already, had it up to my nose
Standing in front of my closet right now
Wondering what I should wear, my assets to wow
Some manly attire
That girlies admire
Y'all know how I'm so sexually endowed
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a Princess
“Will you marry me?”, the Princess said, “No!”
But the Prince lived happily ever after
As away on his Harley-Davidson he rode
He started dating lotsa full-breasted women
Hunted and fished and raced cars
Was seen courting ladies less than half his age
Drank Guinness and frequented bars
Been quite a while since he's heard any nagging
And he never paid child support
Romanced gorgeous cheerleaders regularly
Mud wrestling was his favourite sport
Ate Spam, french fries and Boston baked beans
Blew enormous earth shattering farts
A rebellious soul who left toilet seats up
Freaking cool and happy as a lark!
© Jack Ellison 2013
THIS IS DEDICATED TO MY OLD HERO---GABBY HAYES
IT MAKES ONE WONDER, IT MAKES ONE THINK
IT CAUSES ONE'S HEART TO SINK
IS HE, WILL HE, DOES HE HEAR,
DOES HE CONSIDER A CHILD'S FEAR?
I DON'T KNOW AND MAY NEVER WILL
IS HE SOMETHING OR IS HE NIL?
IS HE SOMEONE IN WHICH TO BELIEVE,
WHILST ANOTHER CHILD'S MOTHER IS MADE TO GRIEVE
I AM WEARY, I AM TIRED
WHILE IN THE MUCK OF A MYSTERY I AM MIRED
HEADLINES SCREAM BUT ARE SILENCED TOO SOON
AS I FEAR ANTHER MANIAC'S MIDNIGHT MOON
WHERE IS HE WHOM SO MANY KNOW,
WHILE MY FEAR AND QUERIES GROW
MY QUESTIONS MOUNT AKIN TO MOUNTAINS HIGH
IS HE A FAIRY TALE OR SIMPLY A LIE?
IT MAKES ONE WISH, IT MAKES ONE PRAY
WHERE IS THAT MISSING TODDLER TODAY?
NEWSPAPER CLIPPINGS GROW YELLOWED WITH AGE
AS I HIGHLIGHT THE WORDS INKED UPON AN AGED PAGE
IT MAKES ONE'S HOPE FADE JUST LIKE THAT INK
AS I CONTINUE TO PONDER AND THINK
HERE SIT I WITH A FEW OF THE PIOUS IN PEWS
AS I BEGIN TO BELIEVE HE MUST NOT BELIEVE THE NEWS
SOME ARE FOUND ALIVE AND SOME FOUND WELL
ALAS, TOO MANY ARE LOST IN A BORN-AGAIN HELL
TOO FEW OF THE DAMNED EVER HEAR A JAIL CELL SLAM
AND IF HE IS REAL I WONDER IF GOD REALLY GIVES A GOD-DAMN
(C) 2011.....Phreepoetree ~free cee!~
my great white hunter
i'm so freaking proud of you
for keeping the peace
no idea the hell
that you must try to cool down
too much emotion
too much dysfunction
sorry it's so hard for you
do the best you can
Standing in front of my closet right now
Wondering what I should wear, my assets to wow
Some manly attire
That girlies admire
Y'all know how I'm so sexually endowed
I glanced at her nails
saw fins and scales
Reached for her hair
Hmm. Nothing there
Took her right hand
felt just like sand
Looked at her face
Is she from outer space
Next time I'll not tempt fate
and agree to a blind date
Another freaking cold Canadian winter's day
BUT that glorious warm sun makes it almost okay
Temps are frigid
Reminds me of Brigitte
But that's another part of my private dossier
She really wanted to see a ghost…ecstatically excited.
She heard this place had plenty, and a spooky atmosphere.
She’d have to pinch herself, ready to cheer…elated.
She’d spend a romantic weekend there with a freaking-out spouse.
He’s a scaredy-cat! He rarely finds anything funny!
He stutters. He’s bony. Of course she fibbed to him.
A mansion on the cliffs, buried behind briars and thorns.
You could hear the roar of the tide, far below, over the rocks.
Bitter thunder and lightning— oh Angela’s freaking stunned.
Couldn’t ask for a nicer day - husband’s a shivering bag of bones.
The thick, heavy door, with unrelenting ‘turn on back,’ opens
nonetheless. Angela prods and pulls her Jack, into the lair,
as the door closes and bolts. He’s crying like a baby, inside.
The romantic getaway’s bleek and dark, except for candelabra
here and there, in this statistically bad idea. Angela just knows
she’ll get a look-see at the afterlife - a welcoming sight.
Jack be nimble…Jack be quick…Jack wants to jump
over the candlestick and hit the bricks. Without a boo,
she tries to resurrect a ghost or two. “C’mon out! I’m
raring to see you. Don’t play hide’n seek. Show yourself.”
She’s so giddy with no care about her scared to death spouse.
Angela laughs as wisps of smoke take form, as snowy cotton
shifts, as the familiar “oohs” and “boos” uplift. Terrified Jack’s
in no laughing mood. He hides himself in the corners of the room.
Suddenly it gets very cold, and a very bold ghost has a hold
on a candelabra, shines over the face of Jack, “Don’t you worry,
son, this will make you crack a smile,” surprisingly reassuring.
The ghost grins, as he spins touché over to Angela, “Is this
all you were hoping for?” He bellows with his mighty flue,
turns gray-green, skeletal too, eyes out of sockets. Flames
of the candelabra catch her curls and girly-mustache too.
From the corner, a full-throttle laughter emerges from Jack
as Angela is laid out on her back. The specter adds a pillow
and a gravestone to the act. The ghost ribs Jack,
“I rather like your bones, son. Let’s see you rattle and roll.”
Welcomed out the door, Jack leaves without a wife.
10/13/2021
Chantelle Cooke’s Ghost Lace Contest
Freaking me out
One day as I looked in the mirror
I saw that a third eye had appeared
In the middle of my face.
It was red, it was huge.
I was horrified by its proportions.
How could a 59-year-old still have zits upon their face?
I felt like a cyclops
A monster
It certainly did not make me feel pretty
A humbling thing, perhaps?
I did not feel so proud as to deserve it.
How do I walk around with this on my face?
Perhaps the Covid-mask that I was forced to wear would cover it up?
It did not.
There it was for all to see.
As I left the comfort and solitude of my bathroom,
I had to face my husband and my 4-year-old grandson.
Oliver was not known for his empathy.
He spoke his truth and spoke it well!
He took one look at my face,
As he scrunched up his sweet little face
A look of horror came over him
“Gramma, can you cover that up, its freaking me out?!”
We all burst out into a fit of laughter.
I went into the bathroom and grabbed a band-aid,
Laughing until it hurt,
I realized that day that children just speak the truth!
He said exactly what any adult was thinking.
We can’t let these little things wreck our day,
Just cover it up and move on!
Grace Daub January 11, 2022
Written for "Funny Memories Contest" sponsored by -Natasha L Scragg
Yo she’s so freaking hot
Imma shoot my shot
‘My name starts with a B and your name starts with a B, quiche 2 O’s in between and they become boobs… just like you have’
Dude you are going at it the wrong way
‘Me, you, my house with my pet rat and some expired cheese and crackers… i have protection”
Dude, if she doesn’t get with you then she’s just a lousy prude because who wouldn’t want to get with you after the first date
Alright so about me, I have great taste in women, awesome in bed, and the best kisser
I brought you flowers and chocolate because I know that’s what women like and most of the time the ladies come packin home with me… you interested
Yo, I did nothing wrong
She got drunk at the resturaunt and I took her home
And then we did it, I mean, she wasn’t complaining so that’s a first
What she was wearing was so obvious she wanted to be with me
If not, why else did she come home?
You get the girls at the start of the game and make sure they are the ones to give in
Thats how you get all the ladies
The freaking cold weather is here again
Fillies want to snuggle for a piece of me they yen
Have to spread me thin
Double my double chin
Fillies by the hundreds crowd into my den!
Greenish meadows, stony benches
Doves and crows toilet in bunches
Huge turnout..
Without fear of baited string bides
Flying fishes in lone seasides
From hideout..
Tree top squirrels wandered bottom
Like torpor kings in their kingdom
Free rollout..
Weeds and shoots sprouting from the soil
Dormant seeds sensing human spoil
They freakout..
Birds and beasts call on us to boo
World became a big human zoo
In stakeout..
Freaking frigid today, wear your woollies
Spring's just around the corner, no need for hoodies
The promise of warm temps
A bunch of outdoor events
Serving coffee and cookies and homemade goodies