Best Cooties Poems
(She's Got Cooties)
Bitter every night, she speaks of another man
In dialogues, she rips and shreds my brothers sheets
Her moves are naught more than an exposed wound
Riding dreams with no thought to spare
With eyes, that lie every night,
Even, I believe every word from her prune lips
Silent she auctions words into the breeze
My brother's heart is so brittle, it hurts
She is lying, he's dying, a fool just to feel complete
At this point he believes, she was kidnapped by apes
She's not the kind of wife that sit on a trophy case
Once she removes the makeup, her face is gone
She is gone, gone, gone,
A smile mocking infidelity,
I scream, I want to beat her brains in
My brother begs her to rest, he prays
His wife will wash her dirty mouth
A kiss that hurts as she takes the air away,
Pouring guilt, pretending it's his fault
After every sucker punch this past month
She left while he slept
A wicked in law, with no comparison
Breathing luscious sperm, she's a worm
Vacuuming another man's dream,
She is gone, gone, gone,
A weak link, wasting his time loving her
His heart murdered 19 years ago
My brother holds on to plain dumb hope
In hopes, she might stay longer than 3 days
His dreams are sweet, innocent and failed,
Yet he won't stop dreaming of her loving lips
Heating up to nothing when she's not there
She is gone, gone, gone,
Sometimes I just sit and wonder
What sort of man, sits awake with his eyes shut
Daydreaming of a long life dream
Then I realize if he can dream
Why Can't I
~Trashed #2, sponsor, Broken Wings~
9-22-15
Skat
Cooling off in falling months, approaching dusk.
Coordinated chill and quilting of snow, brusque.
Cooking lots of soup, beating down dough,
as the wind whoops on a weeping willow.
The sky blue sheets aired out on the clothesline.
Coordinates of beauty in her decline.
Cooties shots on the medical menu…sigh.
Cooperation of dirge, the woe-filled cry.
Co-occurence of life and absence of fog
on the handheld mirror, down by the bog.
Cookout of fried boughs and its vestment.
This particular parish was not a good investment.
Autumn’s turning down the soil - leaves
storm in turmoil, slowing down what it believes.
The coos of despair…her ring rolls off finger.
Her dreams of love no longer linger.
Cool when Autumn clashes with Winter
and the clash of letters are placed by printer.
The clouds are snow white, they get the scoop.
Doves cry and hover - eyes droop.
Sometimes I can't believe it
It all happened so fast
Real life is truly here
Just who is that looking at me in the mirror?
How come these bills are addressed to my name?
It's like I went to sleep and woke up
And I'm all grown up
Sometimes I miss the days
When your crush had cooties, not STDs
And afternoons were spent climbing trees
And it's hard to grasp our age
Who's that man calling you "his wife"?
How come that little girl just called you Dad?
It's like I went to sleep and woke up
And we're all grown up
Sometimes the kids today
Make me feel so old when they say
They've never heard of Kurt Cobain
But I know that we're better
Cause we could fix our Nintendo in just one blow
And we all figured this out sans Twitter
It's like I went to sleep and woke up
And I'm all grown up
I remember the stupid things
Pogs and Goosebump books
Playlists were mixtapes on cassettes
And Friday nights meant TGIF on ABC
Nickelodeon was our only obsession
Friend requests were made in person
And they still showed music videos on MTV
It's like I went to sleep and woke up
And it's a different world - Nothing's the same
Cause we're all grown up
Shelly said that Darlene said that
Tina said that you are an ignorant fool.
So?
Jinny said that Zinna was rolling her eyes at you.
Farina said you have cooties.
So?
Do you want to hear what Allie said about you?
No, thanks.
Minnie said….
“I don’t want to hear it,” I tell her, skipping away.
“You are a poppie butt!” she yells after me.
Thank you, I yell back.
“You are CRAZY!” she hollers, angry now.
“THANK YOU!” I yell louder.
“They were talking trash about you,” my friend tells me.
Wait a second. This is my friend?
“Are you going to talk to them about it?”
No.
Are you going to fight them?
I throw back my head and laugh.
Once I mastered the skip away, the stay away and the thank you
Bullies had no power over me.
They started bothering others.
I try to teach my friends
Bullies will leave you alone
If they don’t think you are getting mad or sad.
Being so danged light skinned .
I had a terrible time mastering
Those telling pink cheeks.
I had to practice with
Trusted friends,
By letting them calling
Me names and practicing
My strategies.
The Keep Away.
The Skip Away.
The Thank You.
Believe me,
I now have it right.
No one bothers
Me now.
It’s simply
No
Damned
Fun.
They say I'm quite the expert
The best they've ever seen yet
So I'll tell you all my secrets
On the art of housebreaking pets
You'll need a lot of newspapers
To smack them on their noses
You can always tell when they have to pee
Cause they strike those familiar poses
Teach them how to scratch at the door
Each time that they have to go
You have to show them, you're the boss
It's the first thing they need to know
And when they have that accident
On your carpet with number two
Rub their nose in it, til they understand
That just isn't the thing to do
And it never fails, when they move in
They're always infested with fleas
And depending on how old they are
An occasional flatulence disease
You can teach them to fetch your slippers
For this is part of their duties
But don't ever let them touch your feet
For you'll surely end up with cooties
I think there's been a misunderstanding
For I don't own a pet at all
I wasn't talking about housebreaking pets
I was talking about my mother-in-law
No mother-in-laws were harmed in the writing of this poem
Forgotten Hero
I was awesome;
destined to be rich and famous when I grew up.
Until that happened,
I settled for being a superhero…
And I was!
I was untouchable.
Bulletproof.
So fast you couldn’t even see me,
and faster still in my special shoes…
which was a good thing
because I had underwear on my head.
I was the picture of heroism
posed before the oscillating fan
which billowed my bed-sheet cape
and modulated my voice
to mimic a pre-pubescent Optimus Prime.
With a giftwrap-tube in hand
I was armed for any conflict.
Yet for all my power, I was incorruptible.
My faith was absolute…
in the certainty that
good always triumphs over evil,
and I never intended to lose.
I sought the distressed damsels
because that was the right thing to do…
not for any reward;
certainly not for their cootie-infested
kisses of gratitude.
I was great beyond everything I knew,
universally loved and adored.
I was the greatest hero the world had ever known,
and everyone wanted to be my friend…
…until they didn’t.
Because wearing fruit of the loom helmets
is for weirdoes and losers.
Because children need to stop daydreaming,
and focus on their studies.
Because not everyone can be rich and famous,
and it’s impractical to chase after foolish dreams.
Because there is no such thing as “special shoes.”
Because everything isn’t black-and-white, and
standing for what you believe to be good is intolerant,
and unacceptable.
Because superheroes aren’t real,
girls don't have cooties,
and it was time to grow up.
…and I have.
07/31/15
China charges 1 million annually
For each panda in our zoos
If we won't pay in full
Then the pandas we will lose
Nasty Panda's the exception
No one wants him here or there
He was paid 1 million dollars
To abscond and disappear!
Here comes the Nasty Panda
~He's much more than you can bear
He's such a nasty panda
~He leaves cooties everywhere
Beware of Nasty Panda
~He do anything he please
Stay clear of Nasty Panda
~He eats shoots and leaves
I smelled him 'fore I seen 'em
That black and white pariah
Slippin' slidin' in my kitchen
On smooshy mushy pulp papaya
I yelled for him to stop
And I told him where to go
Wink and laugh was all he did
With a Homer Simpson "D'oh!"
Here comes the Nasty Panda
~He's much more than you can bear
He's such a nasty panda
~He leaves cooties everywhere
Beware of Nasty Panda
~He do anything he please
Stay clear of Nasty Panda
~He eats shoots and leaves
He hasn't bathed in ages
Masked by quarts of cheap cologne
His furry skin sweat-sticky
From the surface to the bone
Smelly cigar and boozy breath
Plus an air of upper-crust
Please keep your kids away
Cuz that nasty bear can cuss!
Here comes the Nasty Panda
~He's much more than you can bear
He's such a nasty panda
~He leaves cooties everywhere
Beware of Nasty Panda
~He do anything he please
Stay clear of Nasty Panda
~He eats shoots and leaves
If you meet up with Nasty Panda
Better turn around and run
You're bound to lose your money
And your wits before he's done
Don't shed tears for Nasty Panda
Cuz he likes the way things are
Don't forget to hide your keys
Else he'll drive off in your car!
Here comes the Nasty Panda
~He's much more than you can bear
He's such a nasty panda
~He leaves cooties everywhere
Beware of Nasty Panda
~He do anything he please
Stay clear of Nasty Panda
~He eats shoots and leaves
Here comes the Nasty Panda
~He's a scoundrel and a bum
He's such a nasty panda
~He's as nasty as they come
Beware of Nasty Panda
~He's gonna raise a stink
Stay clear of Nasty Panda
~He's much nastier than you think
Life is a playground, the fun never ends.
Not a care in the world, just run around with your friends.
Doodling on the walls
Playing house with your dolls.
Chasing boys around with cooties
But only those you think are cuties.
A scraped knee covered with a Hello Kitty band aid.
“There’s no monster under your bed, don’t be afraid”
Said Daddy, after a bedtime story.
Suddenly you realize- Dad’s jokes are getting too corny.
Life is an avalanche, no one understands.
Why does nobody get your obsession with this boy band?
Mom is too naggy
Your classmate is too braggy.
Chasing deadlines for essays due weeks ago
Procrastinating,contemplating; you’ve hit an all time low
You’re hungry, but you’re fat.
Each week there’s a new pimple to pick at
“I think he likes you,” whispers your friend.
But you know he only likes you for your backend.
Suddenly, you realize- you’re no longer updated with the latest trends.
Life is an overflowing agenda, it’s nerve racking
Responsibilities and bills just keep stacking.
The baby’s awake at two am again
You blink once, and suddenly he’s ten.
Now you’re Santa, the Tooth Fairy, and the Easter bunny all rolled into one
Did you really just make that lame pun?
You realize that you sound just like Mom.
When your son brings home a girl, it’s hard to remain calm.
Your husband finds a gray hair on you
And you can’t help but feel a bit blue.
Suddenly, you realize- you’re sitting at your baby’s wedding pew.
Life is a daydream, you reminisce about the past.
How long did eighty years really last?
Sour moods and achy bones
The children moved out, you are now alone.
Open a photo album, look and see.
“Wow, was that really me?”
The fireplace crackles, the rocking chair creaks
You sit your granddaughter on your lap and pinch her cheeks.
“I had pigtails just like you when I was your age”
Suddenly, you realize- it is now your time to exit the stage.
I’m not certain when it happens.
When the high fidelity stereo of a youthful past
Drowns in the monophonic static of tomorrow’s responsibilities.
When cowboys and indians or cops and robbers
Become traffic tickets and the politically correct, Native Americans.
When the king of the castle ends up under a mortgage and tax escrow
Owned by bank and government alike for standing strong on a playground boulder.
When the real fear of catching cooties from the girls at recess
Gives way to the real fear of catching cooties from girls in your bedroom.
But it invariably does.
You wake up and notice something interesting about mirrors.
Your reflection isn’t there anymore.
That person doesn’t know that fruity pebbles taste better than bran flakes.
That pens and pencils are made for drawing, not writing checks.
And crayons are better still.
That person has forgotten that mornings are to be celebrated
And bedtime is another way of spelling tantrum time.
That person is a grown up.
And certainly, that person isn’t you.
Are they?
04/24/15
The girl had her groove on she
laughed a lot and was hip and
not too heavy going. At seventeen
I needed an old lady to go to the
prom with. Not wanting to wipe
out on my first try I caught the
groove, Taking my time, this chick
was bitchen from top to bottom,
But I had a gnarly set of nerves
because I woke up with a zit on my
nose, what a bummer. I didn't want
her to think I had cooties so I waited.
The time came to ask her. Well, after
all this feeling like a dork, she said
yes she would love to go.
Wow what a gas, I flipped out.
Sure like to share my innermost thoughts
Haven't yet found where they're hidden
Searched and searched but really no luck
Gonna put out a Lost Data bulletin
Sure they were there the last time I checked
But that was way back in my teens
At some point between back then and now
They're totally missing it seems
Other stuff's missing like my wavy black hair
It once was my crowning glory
It's now really thin and getting thinner
It's white for which I'm quite sorry
Heard some people age rather gracefully
That ain't the case with yours truly
As well as thin and white with some cooties
It's really unmanageable and unruly
Should have expected this turn of events
From a handsome young fellow to this
So I've had to accept I'm less of a charmer
Here's a big boohoo and a hiss!
© Jack Ellison 2015
A quarter “C” has past
Since you opened your eyes to see
The cooties and spiders
That will haunt you throughout your eternity.
Then there was your smile,
A smile like no other,
A smile that continues to give great joy,
To both me and your mother.
Thinking of girls in my life back then
Searching for beauty was no use
I'm sure one was from a horror movie
She possessed the appeal of a moose!
Promised I wouldn't mention names
But her first initial is Thelma
Had a huge wart on the tip of her nose
Gorgeous? What can I tell ya!
Let me explain 'bout that lovely schnoz
It was as long as from here to Tuesday
Protruding teeth, was missing a few
Just a little off white... good news eh!
Her eyes were kinda distracting too
Each looked in a different direction
Hair was stringy and different lengths
Blue lipstick and a very bad complexion!
So all in all, I guess you might say
Wasn't one of your ravishing beauties
Body odour like that of a koala
But as far as I could tell, no cooties!
Had some redeeming features though
She possessed a heart of pure gold
Would donate the shirt right off her back
Problem was it was smelly and old!
Sure could pick 'em way back when
Her daddy was worth a few million
So to me, Thelma was a raving beauty
Now my wife and I'm worth gazillions!
© Jack Ellison 2015
A poet once went without shaving
About his beard no one was raving
They all screamed, “Fecal stuff,
from Cooties in the buff!”
Went after him with razors waving!
Stop watching me with those derisory eyes
sweet like bear claw
spicy like a bell pepper
give me back my barette
I'm not letting my hair down'
from cooties to copacetic my biggest disease
jus like when u was freshman
lost your retainer cried all day
give me back my fanny pack
you kept it all those years
crazy grifter lost on the freeway
looking for route 66 in a gay way
why you back jerk off?
scads of luv but to late
here's a sawbuck go call someone who cares!