Housebroken

They say I'm quite the expert The best they've ever seen yet So I'll tell you all my secrets On the art of housebreaking pets You'll need a lot of newspapers To smack them on their noses You can always tell when they have to pee Cause they strike those familiar poses Teach them how to scratch at the door Each time that they have to go You have to show them, you're the boss It's the first thing they need to know And when they have that accident On your carpet with number two Rub their nose in it, til they understand That just isn't the thing to do And it never fails, when they move in They're always infested with fleas And depending on how old they are An occasional flatulence disease You can teach them to fetch your slippers For this is part of their duties But don't ever let them touch your feet For you'll surely end up with cooties I think there's been a misunderstanding For I don't own a pet at all I wasn't talking about housebreaking pets I was talking about my mother-in-law No mother-in-laws were harmed in the writing of this poem