Best Berle Poems
What I’d give to wake in the morning and hear those church bells ring
To turn on my old black and white and hear Gene Autry sing
Turn back the time to simpler days with Roy and Dale too
Wait for the Late Show and watch the antics of Bud and Lou
All the girls thought Kookie Byrnes was really hip
Driving a convertible on Seventy Seven Sunset Strip
Kryptonite was the only thing that could make Superman falter
Ramar’s friend Charlie talked to a parrot named Walter
I watched Kitty and Chester on Gunsmoke and listened to Ricky sing
There was Circus Boy, My Friend Flicka and don’t forget Sky King
There was Jeff and Lassie, Davy Crockett and the Wild Frontier
I’d watch Robin Hood and Marian in the days of Queen Guinevere
Remember The Thin Man, The Whistler and The Shadow Knows
Alfred Hitchcock and Inner Sanctum were two of my favorite shows
I remember Milton Berle, Red Skelton, Perry Como would croon
What’s my Line, Beat the Clock and Name That Tune
The Life of Riley, Leave it to Beaver and Father Knows Best
Palladin, Sugarfoot, and Cheyenne in the Old West
Boxing from Madison Square Garden on Friday Night
I saw it all on my old black and white.
If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door. ~ Milton Berle
I needed a job-money and more,
I knocked on door after door.
All doors were closed,
now what will I do.
I will be brave,
I will build a door.
The door will be built out of,
learning-reading and floral school.
A business I will start,
my creativity will take me through the door.
Date Written: 10/9/2020
Note: True story. I opened a flower and gift shop.
Quotable Poetry Contest
Sponsored by: Regina McIntosh
Remembering TV of the 1950s
By Elton Camp
About TV, this little account is told
From when I was twelve years old
Because it was along about then
When TV fascination did begin
The programming choices were few
The channels we received were two
A massive antenna was the only way
There existed no cable system to pay
A flat lead-in thru the window threaded
The possibility of lightning was dreaded
My father looked at the sky with a frown
“Disconnect it and throw on the ground!”
All programs were black and white
Which we watched by a TV light
Brighter lights were then taboo
Only a darkened room would do
If the other channel we’d get
Get up and walk to the TV set
Commercials at beginning, middle, end
Just those three so unlikely to offend
At midnight, stations signed off the air
At six the next morning, they’d be there
It was only a test pattern for a while
Daily adjusting our set was a trial
Controls on the back so we couldn’t see
Whatever the results were going to be
Horizontal & vertical hold to reset
So that a viewable picture we’d get
“WBRC now begins its broadcast day”
Some disembodied voice would say
The national anthem was played
Sometimes a preacher then prayed
Whatever vile programs, we didn’t care
Rather, we’d sit and mindlessly stare
Technical interruptions we might get
With, “Please do not adjust your set.”
The set was costly & likely to break down
To houses, the repairman came around
Daily life would almost come to a stop
If he had to take it away to his shop
This situation was inevitable because
One TV set per family’s all there was
Multiple receivers was then far away
We didn’t foresee the present day
Flat screens, color or streaming video
About such things we didn’t know
We never heard of high definition
To avoid “snow” was our ambition
But any sense of depravation we didn’t feel
With Gleason, Berle & Norman Vincent Peale
“What’s My Line” was everyone’s delight
“I Love Lucy” dominated Monday night
By writing this poem, my age I betray
“Can this be true?” young folks say
Yes, this is the situation we did see
Without Netflix, ESPN, or even MTV
Continued from Part 1
Matt Dillon chases Jack LaLane
Around a roller derby lane
I think I need some more cocaine,
So please don’t ever come back Shane
I try to walk another street
When me and Walter Cronkite meet;
He says he thinks the news is neat
And starts to talk about the sleet
I run away as fast I can
When Brinkley and the other man
Say ‘good night Peter, good night Pan’
While Tinker Bell is on the can
A dog starts crapping up the yard,
He must have eaten too much Pard
But watch out, here comes Pat Boone, bard,
He’s taking steps without regard
I find a jackass facing me
And ride as far as far can be
And find myself beneath the sea,
But now Lloyd Bridges faces me
I think he must be on a hunt
To find a mind that he can stunt;
He says ‘they’re sitting all up front
And you can hear them as they grunt’
Old Ironsides rolls into view
And says he’s looking for a clue;
I close my eyes and say ‘me too’
’cause something seems so much askew
I better buy some brand new specs
’cause Mickey Mouse is rated X
And everybody’s doing sex;
Ben Casey gives the VD checks
Hey, Milton Berle is throwing rocks
And Elvis Presley’s chased by flocks
Of girls in teeny bopper socks;
Please help, I’m sick, I need two docs
A weirdo asks me ‘what’s my line
If Ricky Nelson drinks my wine
And Lucy is my concubine;
Paola’s great if I get mine’
I’m looking for a place to hide
I stick my thumb out for a ride
When Jackie Gleason pulls up beside
‘If two squared’s four, can you divide?’
‘Of course I can, I’ve been to school
And I am not nobody’s fool’
I feel I am a molecule
Just floating through a vestibule
So Jackie says ‘you are a kid
But older than a pyramid,
Too bad you’re not a phallic squid;
I say, ah, can you spare a lid?’
Some girls are wearing panty hose
They shave their hair which overgrows
And spray away their bod’s B.O.s;
I want to fade inside my clothes
Continued in Part 3
Someone once said,
"If opportunity doesn't knock,
build a door."
~ Milton Berle
__________________________________
It Knocked, So I Built A Door
Building doors, and other construction,
That I performed
Was the most incredible opportunity
That I couldn't ignore.
I'm at a retired state now,
From being a carpenter stake
But it was such a great adventure
I had to take.
The building, like "Jesus did,
When God became Man."
Great profession it was in like kind,
That one could achieve in his mind.
If its indeed in your heart,
A passion that you possess.
You'll succeed there it's guaranteed,
A success!
Opportunity knocked again for me,
But in a place, I never thought I would be
In a field of study, different from before
In the literary world of creative writing,
Sometimes about doors.
So, here I sit, writing as I do,
The grandest of opportunities
That now displays to you.
A muse, if you wish, to me,
A product of options success.
Edited: May 22, 2023, 9:35 A.M. (EST)
The Keystone Cops were funny,
Chaplain, Keaton, Lloyd, and Fields too.
Laurel and Hardy, and Will Rodgers,
Were just some of the names we knew.
Who can forget the Stooges,
Or all the pies we saw them throw?
Who didn't laugh at the Brothers Marx,
Or Abbot and Costello?
Berle, Caesar, Skelton, Crosby and Hope,
Could always bring a tear.
So could Allen, Paar, Kovacs, and Carson,
As we guffawed ourselves to the floor.
Gleason had Carney, Martin had Lewis, Lucy had Desi,
George had Gracie, and Burnett had her crew.
While Cosby, Pryor, and Murphy,
All taught us to laugh anew.
Cohen, Benny, Youngman, Diller, Rickles, Hackett, and Winters,
Are some of the names we recollect.
Everyone fell out of their chairs,
When Rodney "Got no respect"!
Today we have Billy, Whoopi, Robin, and Dave,
Leno, Rodriguez, Wallace, Jeni, Wright, and too many more to name.
But each still works to bring us laughter,
Today, their job's the same.
They poke fun at life's human side,
As did the jester who first began the gaff.
So when the comic entertains us with his work,
All we can do is laugh.
They see laughter and hear our smiles,
Whether they are "Stand Up" or "Situational" workers.
They take the pulse of every audience,
To see if there are any shirkers.
But "Laughter is the Best Medicine",
A saying that is all but true.
So, don't be afraid to let your bellyaches come from laughter,
When a comic entertains for you.
Moshe, Larry, Curly,
Howls, cries, nyuks;
Three silly comic stars:
Smile, clown -- Cluck!
Chico, Harpo, Benny, Berle,
Moron grins, happy chins;
Crazy nutty comic kooks:
Funny jokes -- egads zooks!
Alvin Ailey, dance gaily,
False teeth: Brush daily;
Silly Sally, Dilly-dally,
Ollie, Holly, Mollie!
Belly flops, fatal plops,
Messy slops, lemon drops;
Harry Caray, Tooth Fairy,
Music Maven -- Chuck Berry.
Pitty-patty, kitty-katty,
Ticky-tacky, Cinci-nnati
Polly-Wolly, Wooly Bully,
Diffy-daffy, Laughy Taffy!
March 22, 2018
Contest entry in "A little laughter five," sponsored by
Edward McCall, closing date - March 23, 2018
Notes: Moe Howard's (of the Three Stooges) actual first name was Moshe.
'Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk' was a trademark line of Curly (3 Stooges.)
Berle is comedian: Milton Berle (aka 'Uncle Miltie').
'Egads zooks' is an exclamation my mother and others of her
generation used to use (frequently).
'Wooly Bully' was a pop song by Sam the Sham and the Pharoahs,
released in 1965; it soared high on the Top-40 charts.
The Keystone Cops were funny
Chaplin, Keaton, and Fields too.
Laurel & Hardy and Will Rogers
were some of the names we knew.
Who can forget the Stooges
or all the pies we saw them throw.
Who didn't laugh at the Brothers Marx
or Abbot & Costello?
Berle, Caesar, Crosby & Hope
could always bring a tear.
So would Allen, Paar, Kovacs, and Carson
as they guffawed us to the floor.
Gleason had Carney, Martin had Lewis, Lucy had Desi
and Carol Burnett had her crew.
Cosby, Pryor, and Murphy
all taught us to laugh anew.
Cohen, Benny, Diller, Rivers, and Rickles
are names that we recollect.
Who wouldn't fall out of his chair
when Rodney "Got no respect."
Let's not leave out any of the Brits as
Benny Hill, Mr. Bean, and the Two Ronnies were funnier than some.
Their take on humor was a bit different from our own
But that's why we had such fun with Faulty Towers and Monty's Python.
We have had Billy, Whoopi, Robin, and Carlin,
Johnny, Jay, Dave, and too many more to name.
But each still brings us laughter,
Today their job's the same.
They still poke fun at life's human side
as did the jester who first began the gaff.
So, when a comic entertains you...
Be generous with your laughs.
Berle said, “sex with wifey at 84 is terrific”
Especially the one in the winter to be more specific
That's downright silly
6 times yearly, me and my filly
My filly is a pipper, always been quite prolific
Before they used computer chips
and printed circuits too,
TVs worked with different parts
like capacitors and tubes.
Our neighbor was a repairman
and he was quite adept,
he'd given me an old TV
to satisfy a debt.
I wrestled it to the basement,
put some rabbit ears on top,
plugged it in an outlet,
and on the floor I plopped.
Our Philco was a color set
but here I'd rather be,
watching shows all day long,
just me and my TV.
Twilight Zone, my favorite show,
could always make me shiver.
How about the lone masked man
and his trusty steed named Silver!
And don't forget the Cisco Kid,
Matt Dillon, Doc, or Kitty,
Perry Mason was the best,
and wasn't Della pretty.
I laughed at guys named Gleason,
Kovacks, Berle and Benny.
And one guy who was really cool
I think his name was Lenny.
Good things, they say, always end,
and I say this with a sigh,
in the middle of my best year yet
the TV up and died.
That summer stays inside my head,
now you know the reason.
I won't forget the thrills I had
in my first TV season.
Gone are the days of poodle skirts and bobbie socks,
classic cars and music that rocks.
The Ed Sullivan show and Elvis Presley’s gyrating hips,
guys racing their cars for pink slips.
No more drive-in theaters or soda shops,
forty-fives or school sock hops.
Penny Loafers or slicked back hair,
gas prices that are fair.
No more Howdy Doody time or black and white TV,
The Milton Berle Show or I Love Lucy.
Full service stations or diner girls on roller skates,
families cruising down route 66 to see the states.
An era when schools were safe and crime was low,
some of the best times one could ever know.
However time and technology has since moved on,
oh what a shame those days are gone.
'If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door'
Milton Berle
Outstretched clever Macadamia tree
Bears talents of both Mama and Papa
Fruit materialised due to insect interlopers
Dangled able honey hundred raceme
Languished beneath its branched limbs
Belonging to this land and each other
Our dream developed entity envelopes
Steadily relishing everything which comes
Impediments proffered excuses to resist
To remain staid, refrain from addendum
Instead choosing skyline over stagnation
Sacrifices made to subsume wider merits
Beholding splendour of shade waved bracts
Combined courage brought bountiful outcome
Prospect extends with each Summer harvest
Macadamia Mama Papa caretaker provides
Canopy which oversees posterity of centuries
Husk crack reveals creamiest tongue rolled gems
18th October 2020
Written for Contest : Quotable
Sponsor : Regina McIntosh
Milton Berle said, “sex with wifey at 84 is terrific”
Especially the one in the winter to be specific
That's downright silly
4 times a year, me and my filly
A real swinger, she's always been quite prolific
He decided that the only way to get to her
was to take a little stroll,
It gave him time to work on his line
and he wanted to sound droll.
He decided that the line he’d use
when he came to her island there,
“I hear that they call you Lady Liberty
so I’ve come to take my share.”
In his mind it sounded like something
that James Bond would say to a girl,
The more he thought about it though
the more it sounded like Milton Berle.
He decided that he’d just have to be himself
and hope that it would turn out for the best,
He hadn’t been this nervous since
the last time he had to take an algebra test.
You see, he wanted to take a chance on love
because he was a romantic guy,
And what he wanted more than anything else
was at least a chance to try.
When you’re one hundred and thirty feet tall
you have limited options for a date,
So you have to take your swings when you’re up to bat
if you want to find a mate.
He tried to buy a ticket to Staten Island
but they’d have none of that,
But the ferry captain was a romantic too
and told him to be careful where he sat.
He looked across the water to where she stood
and he could see that she was tinted green,
He thought that she was probably the most
beautiful shade of green he’d ever seen.
~ To the tune of:
'Where Have All the Flowers Gone?' ~
Where have all the comics gone
Long time passing
Milton Berle and Alan King
Long time did their thing
Where have all their insults gone
Long time passing
Don Rickles and Groucho Marx
Echo in empty parks
Where has all the slapstick gone
Long time passing
Larry, Moe, and Curly Joe
Gave way to milquetoast shows
Where have all the tap dancers gone
Sammy Davis, Donald O’Connor
Bumpers and grinders of today
Do the greats a dishonor
Where have all the comics gone
Georgie Jessel and George Burns
Gone the way of Romantic poets’ poems
~ Like Keats’ ‘Ode to a Grecian Urn’