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11/13/2017 2:39:20 PM
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Hello, Stephen Wilson-Flo
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I'm a retired teacher of 30 years. Now I am retired, I have time to write and read poetry. My favorite poets are Robert Frost and Dylan Thomas so there is a range there. I have about 60 poems I have posted on another site with some good results. I try to write about new topics (or at least old topics approached in a new way) leaving love and religious poems to others more talented in that area than I. Lately, I am drawn to so called "abstract poetry". I look forward to submitting and critiquing poems and hope to become a member.
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11/18/2017 5:11:48 PM
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How is this?
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I would fix the typo "angles" to "angels". I like the last part best as it is an image with great sound. The previous is a bit too much telling and not enough showing for me. Let the reader take the journey.
I would try starting the poem with the ending and continue images.
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11/20/2017 4:43:14 PM
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Snake 101
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I like the subject, I like the honest unpretentious tone, I like the theme. I believe, the poem would be strengthened by showing more, telling less. I would try capturing the revulsion toward the snake with words, but not in a heavy handed way. You could break out the G of E and Cleo story. I am into abstract poems now and would try putting similar sounds together (not just s-s-s- though) and let go of the literal meaning a bit. I like "ophidiophobia" and "goose bumps on human flesh" and "scrunch up" (not a real word, but I've used it too) and "scaly info to psyche/rubbery" and other phrases. Adjectives, I believe, are not the friends of poets. "Disgusting" as a word is weak, images are so much better. Again adjectives often tell and do not show. All in all, this is pretty good and I wish you well.
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11/20/2017 4:55:39 PM
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Through my Window
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I like this better than "Snake 101". I very much like some of your phrases like "beautiful tableau" and "oak verdancy" and "paisley umbrella" both for sound and sense. Less strong are near cliches, in my opinion, like "feathery neighbors". If this were mine, I'd read it aloud a few times, it seems a bit "wordy". The length of line and line breaks seem to me somewhat arbitrary. Cut, cut, cut, there are some precious parts here. Again, in my opinion, I would end it sooner, not put too fine a point on it. Let the poem end with the nice images ringing in the readers' ears without explaining the obvious. Best wishes!
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11/20/2017 5:11:37 PM
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Tropical Love
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Most sonnets have a definite meter. The most familiar is the Shakespearean sonnet which has lines written in iambic pentameter. This is ten syllables accented all soft, loud. Your rhyme scheme is ababab, cdcdcd, ee which is acceptable. But here's the rub: good rhyming is extremely difficult to do. The reader must not get feeling that the next line is composed just so it rhymes with the previous one. That said, I like the first stanza very much. The second, at least to my ear, sounds a little "cutesy". I like the ending couplet. If you like using a strong sound sense in poems, I would suggest researching what is called "abstract poetry" which uses alliteration and assonance within lines themselves at the risk of losing some of the literal meaning. Best wishes!
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11/20/2017 5:20:42 PM
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Be Brutal-- LOST CAR KEYS
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I like the unpretentious tone of this piece. I like "how does a carburetor.. carburate..". I like the ending lowering the expectation. I am not a fan of rhyming and here is why: it is incredibly hard to do well. Anyone can rhyme, but each line needs to stand on its own and not feel like it was included just to finish the rhyme. This poem has some good. I would shorten it and try to play on words in a different way than "carburetor..carburate". That is good, but now its been used. You need to continue the shock value on to other car parts. Best wishes!
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11/20/2017 5:33:24 PM
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High Critique for "An Elegy on the death of a leaf
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I am a new member and this is the best poem I've read on this site. I reads like a parable and so runs the risk of not being taken seriously. Yes, capitalize the proper nouns and fix the typo "untill". It sets the reader up for a sentiment appropriate for greeting cards. But the stinger is quite dark. This is well worth several readings.
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11/21/2017 12:04:55 PM
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New Poem - Moonlight
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This poem is okay. I am not much a fan of rhyme. The problem with rhyme, in my opinion, is everyone can do it, but few do it well. The reader, he or she, should never feel a line is written just to complete the rhyme. Lines need to stand alone. I do like "Beyond the darkness moonlight gleams/
Revealing worlds beyond the seams". Best wishes!
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11/21/2017 12:09:10 PM
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Heart Broken into Pieces- Heartbreak Poem
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This poem, in my opinion, is stronger when it is specific. There is a caution in writing to "show not tell". Let the reader take the journey with you. I like the pearl and the curl of the other woman's hair. The razor image, doesn't work much for me. True, it is an image, but again it is generalizing. I would explain less. The topic is brave for the speaker. But you are up to it! Best wishes.
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11/22/2017 1:28:30 PM
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The Part of Me that No One Sees
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Who is your audience here? In my opinion, people write know themselves, communicate with family and friends like greeting cards, or is your audience wider? This is a self-revelatory poem in my opinion. I look for poems that are surprising. There is very little a love poem can say today that hasn't been said before, better. The standard for love poems then is very high. For a wider audience, I would not try rhyme. Anyone can rhyme, few do it well. The problem is the line can never sound like it was included just to finish the rhyme. Each line needs to pull its own weight. Best wishes!
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11/22/2017 1:31:06 PM
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surround me with your love
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Who is your audience here? In my opinion, people write know themselves, communicate with family and friends like greeting cards, or is your audience wider? This is a self-revelatory poem in my opinion. I look for poems that are surprising. There is very little a love poem can say today that hasn't been said before, better. The standard for love poems then is very high. For a wider audience, I would not try rhyme. Anyone can rhyme, few do it well. The problem is the line can never sound like it was included just to finish the rhyme. Each line needs to pull its own weight. Best wishes!
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11/25/2017 12:45:47 PM
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The Road
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In my opinion, there are three reasons to write: self-exploration, sentiments to share among family and friends, or for a wider audience. This seems to me self-revelatory or to be shared among family and friends. For a wider audience, I would be more specific about a real walk on a road. It comes off a bit general. It is always better to show and not tell. However, comparisons to Frost's "The Road Not Taken" would be inevitable. Best wishes!
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11/25/2017 12:51:25 PM
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Change
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Again, this seems pretty general. How does it feel to feel strange, example please. What is it like (use a metaphor or simile). Not to sound preachy, but I try to write stuff never said before (even if its about silverware, about which I have written) or to say things said before, but said differently. This is pretty common ground about the human condition however intense it feels at the time. Examples, images, nitty-gritty. Let the reader take the journey with you. Best wishes!
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11/25/2017 12:56:15 PM
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First Born, First Gone... Any Thoughts Please
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I felt the beginning was strong, it rang true. I felt it would be stronger if there were specifics about what you would teach the child. It doesn't matter how "unpoetic" it might sound, the reader will generalize. The ending is sad, but reminded me of Harry Chapin's song "Cat's In The Cradle". I would look for specifics again to make the sentiment yours. Best wishes!
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11/25/2017 12:59:57 PM
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Swamp Sundaze
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I like the whimsy of this. It reads like a little unpretentious vignette. It reminds me of Lewis Carroll. It is good to read poems from people who don't think all poetry must be serious. Best wishes!
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11/26/2017 1:11:00 PM
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Nightfall Harp
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I read this is a community of Christ in a larger sense. Not a building or even a specific group of people, but in the sense of when "two of you (or more) are gathered together". That said, for me, this is a question of audience. Some readers are looking for a poem to uplift and support them in a greater faith. I am not one to critique on that basis. I look for ambiguity in poems, something to help me make sense of it all (however small). The part I like best is "where is that rhythm coming from?" The poem seems to suggest that if there is "rhythm" then there must be a source. Sorry if I could not be more helpful. Best wishes1
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11/26/2017 1:21:36 PM
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Thanks for helping me.
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I like the story. Let me suggest "burning" for "burnning"; "Mount Olympus" for "the Olympus", "irritated" for "arrogated", "fled" for "flied". There are some nice phrases here like "black blood", "breeding dizzy", and "emperor penguins". I like these both for their sound and their sense. Best wishes!
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11/28/2017 10:53:18 AM
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Arm in Arm Through UNC-Charlotte
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I would omit sentences 1-3. It is always better to show and not tell. In my experience, the speaker can get in some modest explanations in, but they need to be earned with lots of previous images and very specific descriptions. At the beginning, that is a dead loss. The poem gets more interesting after that. There is an unexpected change to whom the poem is addressed then. The speaker goes from "you" to "her". It switches again. I considered you might have a new love interest telling that person about a previous love. If that were the case, it needs to be very clear. But don't be discouraged, these are easily fixable. Your images are up to the quality needed for this goal.
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11/28/2017 11:14:02 AM
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Why, and who are you writing for
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Rather than put down what I think is maudlin poetry, I have come to realize people write for different audiences. Some is written for self-discovery, some friends and family, some for members of the writer's church, synagogue or temple. I have come to find out a lot about myself from writing. I never believed in what is called a "writer's voice" until I developed one. I've written a lot of pretentious poems and discarded them all. I like to think, I've become a less phony person because of it. The speaker who speaks in my poems, is not too bad a person after all. Archibald McLeash considered writing his poems as a kind of religion in itself. What I understand about this, I agree.
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12/14/2017 12:24:49 PM
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Mirror Mirror
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This is a very dark piece. I would quibble over the onomatopoeia "clank" for a heartbeat, maybe "thud". Shouldn't "their gorgeous, innocent face" be "her...". I would capitalize "hades". But I find the tone more problematic. It has a "woe is me" quality in the extreme. A poem like this can be successful, in my opinion, but it is tough. The only poet I know who could carry it off was Sylvia Plath. Her "Daddy" spits venom with every line. There are many images in your poem, but not many shocking as language. I would find some really unorthodox metaphors to surprise the reader and winnow out some of the weaker lines here. Adjectives are not a poet's friend--images, images. Best wishes!
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