Poetry Forum

Forum Home » High Critique » Snake 101

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!

11/20/2017 3:38:03 AM Carol Davis Posts: 7	Since the Garden of Eden and Cleopatra, snakes strike great fear in man I have it—ophidiophobia--- legless lizards equal repulsion Slithering, sliding as they move something about friction and scales like goose bumps on human flesh more than I want to know Little known fact learned three hundred vertebrae, one reptile they can scrunch up like an accordion Slinky has nothing on the snake Zoology teacher forced me to touch disgusting...scaly info to psyche rubbery, stretchy outside insides that red-eyed yellow python plagued my sleep Here’s the point—abnormal fear or not God created the reptile rattlesnake eats rats, field mice homes under rocks in deserts, mountains concealed, fearing human contact Travel to Georgia or Oklahoma… Rattlesnake Roundups held oh yes, let’s kill some rattlers buy a permit, slaughter as many… Find their hiding, jerk them up drop them in a sack writhing with twelve more rattler chasers claim fun to kill find the longest, fattest Kill by decapitation drop in the freezer alive look later…freeze dried snake eat a snake steak…tastes like chicken Why search them out leave them alone No rattlesnake boots, head bands... Yes, stand up for the reptiles!
	• permalink • reply with quote
11/20/2017 4:43:14 PM Stephen Wilson-Floyd Posts: 49	I like the subject, I like the honest unpretentious tone, I like the theme. I believe, the poem would be strengthened by showing more, telling less. I would try capturing the revulsion toward the snake with words, but not in a heavy handed way. You could break out the G of E and Cleo story. I am into abstract poems now and would try putting similar sounds together (not just s-s-s- though) and let go of the literal meaning a bit. I like "ophidiophobia" and "goose bumps on human flesh" and "scrunch up" (not a real word, but I've used it too) and "scaly info to psyche/rubbery" and other phrases. Adjectives, I believe, are not the friends of poets. "Disgusting" as a word is weak, images are so much better. Again adjectives often tell and do not show. All in all, this is pretty good and I wish you well.
	• permalink • reply with quote