Short Hemorrhoids Poems

My happiest days were when fully employed
Those were the days that I really enjoyed
Would work all night
Till the morning light
Though I developed a case of hemorrhoids...

Read More

My happiest days were when fully employed
Those were the days that I really enjoyed
Would work all night
Till the morning light
Though I developed a severe case of hemorrhoids


© Jack Ellison 2015...

Read More

Here lies James Jacob McInerny
Died of hemorrhoids at forty-three
Sick of something nobody gave,
Scratched himself into an early grave
Nicked his bud while trying to shave.

Written November 6, 2022...

Read More

Gifts are personal, subject to one's taste.
Many are perfect, some are thrown away.
Others left unopened; a few are embraced. 

A surprise gift, quite worthy of the wait,
the doctor's diagnosis made my day!
It's hemorrhoids, not cancer - Celebrate

July 2, 2021

Sponsor	charles messina
Contest Name	Surprise Me...

Read More

liquid oxygen, nitrogen, napalm
the many methods of modern BBQ
multi-pronged igniters injecting mainline
high pressure laser guided fusion reactors
subatomic quantum mechanical quasar energy
photons vibrating in Orion’s nebula
disintegrating galactic supercharged plasma
ejected from hemorrhoids at warp speed 
inner core’s event horizon is compromised
came through the worm hole
didn’t see it coming...

Read More

Jim's hemorrhoids were hurting him so
 He then went to a doctor named Flo
  With her fingers she probed
 while old Jim was unrobed
 Then Jim yelled out, "Doc, I have to go"

  It was then he started passing gass
  Right in the doctor's face, that poor lass!
 soon after Flo passed out
  And it left not a doubt
  That old Jim was a pain in the a**

 4-19-2020
 Limerick Contest
 Sponsor: Janice Canerdy...

Read More

A cowboy's journey west
Traveling wagon train was the best

No Mercedes Benz or jumbo planes
Carved forests, climbed mountains, & plowed the plains

Beans and cornbread soothes hunger pangs
A bonnet or ten gallon hat protects our brains

Sleeping under stars watching asteroids
Resting our butts and healing hemorrhoids

I smell the Pacific from across the valley
And yell in delight, "We're now in Cali!"...

Read More

I wanted a buff body, to look good in my "snuggs".
But ignored advice doled out by fitness droids.
Like: never use performance enhancing drugs
or be tempted to use Anabolic Steroids.
 
After 6 months, I just look like a thug wearing a rug…
…with a Nasty Squint and Diabolic Hemorrhoids


[this poem was first published on my blog - http://wp.me/p2mUkP-eH
with one of my sketch doodles & makes more sense in context of the whole post]...

Read More

There’s a long tradition of cowboys and their pals,
Watchin’ buckin’ broncos settin’ on wood corrals.
It’s something they enjoys and sure ‘nuff don’t avoids—
But, dern that wood is hard on their ol’ hemorrhoids!

Feels like they’s sittin’ on a brandin’ iron that’s hot—
It’s an awful feelin’ that ain’t too soon forgot.
And ridin’ saddles ain’t much better I allows—
But leastways there’s more paddin’ than them wood corrals!...

Read More

Residual, Conventional and Hysterical 

This should be a real change. Is anyone
else out there game besides me? Here
goes again.

The effects could start out conventional;
What they ended being were residual;
What I would find most appalling?
Is for the temptation I was falling;
Hemorrhoids said to not be hysterical.

James Thesarious Hilarious Horn
Retired Veteran and Poet

Has anyone else accepted the
challenge yet?...

Read More

My heart is breaking
My hands are shaking
My legs are getting weaker
My eyes are crying
My lips are quivering
My soul is drowning
My mind is wondering
My ears are ringing
My nose still running
My hair is balding
My skin is wrinkle
My bones are brittle
My joints are aching
My chin hair growing
My weight I still am gaining
My butt has hemorrhoids
My cream no longer works
In other words


"WHAT THE HECK IS UP WITH THIS!!!!"...

Read More

Here I sit all broken hearted.
The loo it braced, but I only farted.
My paper shivered, the walls did shake.
Those darn burritos the wife did bake.

Morning poo time come and gone.
My charmins lost but I still have brawn.
Sitting patiently there on the shelf.
Right next to Santa's little elf.

The good stuff now has sadly departed.
The hemorrhoids flare, the pain has started.
Gently and careful, I must take care.
Potty time now comes with a prayer....

Read More