A one-time backpacking zebra with a rah rah rah
Went down the mountain sliding down a long seesaw
We yelled hey wait! Don’t you usually walk.
He gave us a rude hand gesture; and a little squawk.
I did not know that backpackers rode down sleds I yelled.
He mooned me good, which I thought was even ruder still.
I was glad when he ran into a picnic table at the bottom of the hill.
Which was not kind, but it was the way I felt said my brother Bill.
When a big hairy spider
Came and plopped down beside her
As Miss Muffett sat munchin'
A light, healthy luncheon,
She screamed, "Sir, naught could be ruder
Than an arachnid intruder!",
And proceeded to prove the mistake he had made.
'neath a teacup she trapped him,
With a teaspoon she tapped him,
And then lethally zapped him
With a snootfull of Raid.
You may ask why'd a maid
Go ballistic that way.
Well, that's something this nursery rhyme
Never would say.
As the tale I've revamped,
I'd opine she was "cramped"
And in no mood for sharing with strangers that day.
Or, more likely,
Although this may sound quite absurd,
She'd not abide spider turds
In her curds and whey.
Three boyfriends have I, whom I could marry
Just hit '39' again, so I'd better not tarry
#1's hair is so long and so curly
I don't know anyone cuter
Sleeps all day, and mopes nights away
I call him 'My Active Brooder'
#2 seems polite, a man with some manners
but when he gets mad, ain't nobody ruder
He's into MK-47's, MAGA, the NRA
I call him 'My Active Shooter'
#3's vision's amazing, like Superman's
though frankly, there's nobody lewder
He stares at every skirt that comes his way
I call him 'My Active Denuder'
O, What should I do, I just can't decide
I've got to get married, before I die
Wait - My cat's my best friend, I'll marry him
I'll start a Go-Fund-Me, get 'Jaspar' neutered
OCEAN LIMERICKS
There was a man from Bermuda,
Went fishing for Barracuda.
He hooked one one day;
But it got away.
He said, “Damn” and more words ruder
A famous sea diver called Fred,
Met dozens of squid in the Med.
Shook hands with each one,
But when he was done,
His air had run out so he’s dead
5th August, 2019
Sea themed limericks competition
Sponsor - Tania Kitchen
I set out mousetraps
Not expecting to catch a robber
But I did.
He was a big fellow, full grown
Nigh onto fifty probably.
Wore a mask.
Before I released him I asked him to take it off.
He refused,
And he was rude.
So I made him stay in the kitchen.
And I went back to bed.
Hoping he would change his mind.
By morning he was gone, took my mousetrap too.
Left my front door wide open.
Ruder than rude.
I was thinking this as I sat in my recliner
And reached for my remote.
It was gone, and my TV was gone too.
I hope to never catch that robber again!
There was a fussy bovine named Flossy
who was snooty and always so bossy
her udders would droop
when she took a poop
She bellowed until her eyes got glossy
Flossy had teeth like a barracuda
Her biting habit just made her ruder
She's not very sharp
She spit when she'd harp
So I called a few friends and we shewed her
Then she threatened to have me arrested
Thought she'd beaten me and had me bested
Knocked her on her duff
She wasn't so tough
Alas, she kept right on and protested
I saw her on the street the other day
Her monstrous butt sat on a bale of hay
Stuck her tongue at me
Mooed, "Hello, ducky"
She trotted off when I aimed pepper spray
What a chunky hippo she has become
I think Flossy secretly sucks her thumb
Waddles when walking
Ranting and squawking
To senility, Flossy has succumb
Bovine creatures can be quite abusive
When they should be a closet reclusive
The more that they speak
The more that they reek
My findings are all justly conclusive