Suck off
Ted’s teaching grandma to suck eggs
“Don’t patronise me lad,” she begs
"It’s a job I can do
SO much better than you
Just scarper on your asses legs!"
Gran whispers words I won’t repeat
Ted’s blushes as red as a beet
She is so worldly wise
And it is no surprise
This jackass won’t usurp her seat!
Hey, killer, you've slain a cow
It's been swiftly slaughtered, cooked, and now
You stick your knife's blade deep into that hunk of meat
Bloody juice rushes forth, so thick it coagulates, red as a beet
How much more of this gore can you possibly take?
No wonder they say: Sell the sizzle, not the steak!
I put sunscreen on arms, legs and face,
Walked the beach at a leisurely pace –
But the tops of my feet
Are now red as a beet
For I didn’t wear shoes in that place!
A Vacation at the Beach
By Elton Camp
Roscoe looked forward to his vacation all year
“I hate the city and want to get away from here.”
The mountains were where he usually went,
But this time, it was at the beach it was spent
Roscoe spent all day on the sand enjoying the sun
But later on that night, he wasn’t having much fun
His skin felt sensitive and began to radiate heat
And by the next morning, it turned as red as a beet
Because of his lack of good sense, Roscoe did earn
Face, back, trunk, arms legs painful first degree burn
Outer layer of his skin peeled off. He looked a fright
Never again a vacation spent on beach did him delight
Soda, ice cream, chips and pizza
I love the way they taste
But every time I bring some home
They end up going to waist
My wife screams are you eating again
You’d better heed my warning
I said, no, I’ve only eaten once
But I started early this morning
There’s something wrong with you
The way you eat your meals with such haste
I guess I’m in a hurry to get rid of the food
Because I know it’s going to waist
Don’t sit there eating everything in sight
And smiling trying to act so coy
You’re the only person I know gets a greeting card
From the Pillsbury dough boy
Sorry if my eating habits seem to make you cry
I’ll slow down and only over eat on days that end in Y.
Not funny, not funny she said
Her face as red as a beet
When I asked her to check if my socks matched
Because I couldn’t see my feet
Another day in Paradise
To the dinner table I raced
I guess that all that food she made
Will soon be going to waist.
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