Long Up a wall Poems
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We were drinking in the Eagles Nest; a cozy little pub,
one Friday evening after work completed in the scrub.
Most of us are timber workers, who get paid on Friday night,
so we’re all cashed up and thirsty in a setting that’s just right.
There were six of us who formed a shout and mixed to socialize,
and as the beers were going down, glassy turned our eyes.
Tongues were loosening up a mite and too our rationale,
and hints were being thrown about by master card sharp Karl.
Karl’s the gambler we avoid he’d bet on two flies up a wall,
but when we’ve had a skin full and Karl begs a poker call,
fifty per cent will jump right in and claim themselves a seat,
and the rest are easily convinced, for grog does hide defeat.
So with Ron and John, plus Bill and Stan, I walk to Karl’s abode.
We’re all carrying two six packs that we surely will unload,
while we shuffle, deal and raise and show, or play a game of bluff,
to find out whom at poker holds the nerves of stronger stuff.
And as the night went deeper and the stubbies emptied out,
some were holding piles of money and one was now without.
Stan had squandered all his pay and now he looked a mite unstable,
but then to top his bad night off - Stan drops dead at the table.
At first we panicked seeing Stan but knew there’s nothing we could do,
and seeing that we’re full of booze we only had a short review.
It was suggested we should show respect now Stan has passed away.
We stood up for the next three hands and thanked Stan for his pay.
And when new dawn began to break, it was time to close the game,
Karl was quick to put his hand on Stan and then he did proclaim,
“One of youse walking home my friends must notify Stan’s wife.
Who will it be?” But no hand rose and Karl felt he’s in strife.
So it came down to drawing straws that Karl held in his hand.
When I plucked me piece of straw I plucked the one I never planned.
Karl stated I must be discreet, be gentle, and not to make things worse.
With me virtue for discretion at Stanley’s door I did converse.
Ums and Ahs were flowing freely ‘til at last me courage grew,
“Your husband Stan has lost his pay now he’s frightened to face you.”
She glared with eyes that proffered hate - “Tell the mongrel to drop dead!”
So I uttered as I turned away - “I’ll go and tell Stan what you said.”
'Knock, knock' on the door,
But, I won't let you in.
No, no.
The chamber of my heart is closed.
But 'knock, knock' you say.
Oh no!
I am stronger in this position than any other.
A huge 'liquidation' sign hung,
For months and months,
At my window pane.
I gave away everything I had to give,
To you,
To family,
To friends.
Nothing is left here,
Nothing for you,
Nothing for me.
There is no you and me.
My heart is closed.
I sacrificed,
I worked,
I gambled,
I lost.
I am fine.
'Knock, knock' you say.
But my door is closed to you,
Always now.
I won't let you in again.
No. no.
Go away, now.
I have nothing left to give.
The chamber of my heart was looted long ago.
Gutted.
Raised to the ground.
Left empty.
Dilapidated.
Condemned.
Like a broken down warehouse,
In some sort of insurance scam that went wrong.
Was that it?
Was this all some crazy scheme?
To gather insurance on care?
On love?
To put me in line?
To own everything I have?
Everything I am?
To control me?
Insuring against me,
Then ripping me apart,
Stone by stone,
Day by day.
No, no.
You can't come in again.
Not you.
Not ever.
Go away.
This fraud went wrong.
I build back up,
Brick by fragile brick.
I put up a wall,
With a sign,
'Private property',
Keep out!
Yet, 'knock, knock',
So, now I say,
'Trespassers will be prosecuted'.
Oh yes.
Come near me again,
I will tear you apart.
I have emotional dynamite,
Golden.
So much you don't know.
Oh yes.
Come near me again,
I will blow your life apart,
Just as you did mine.
'Knock, knock'?
Really?
'Knock, knock'?
Honestly?
You think you have a right to ask?
For anything?
Ever again?
Oh no!
Not now.
Not never.
Test my walls,
If you like.
They are steady.
Knock on the door,
If you like.
I'm not listening.
My chamber's closed,
My heart is not open for business,
Everything went in the recession.
I don't have a thing to my name,
Emotionally.
Except ambition.
And drive.
And a whole host of strength.
You can lay siege,
I won't notice.
You can knock,
I won't answer.
No, no,
Not ever again.
You are not welcome.
Oh no!
No more.
Please go.
Spare yourself the trouble,
Of the incessant knocking...
SPIRITUALLY INTERRUPTED.
I CAME TO EARTH WITH
EVERYTHING IN TACT.
I was happy curious and
with rapid anxiety.
couldn't wait to bring the
good news from the place
where I had just come from,
To my new home here on earth.
It was just an
overwhelming understanding.
that I had,Wanted badly
to share the joy as I arrived
I studied my mothers face.
She was beautiful !
I saw no father.
As I knew what a
mirror was immediately.
The science of images
and reflections innate.
many secrets held in my D.N.A..
and I was well pleased.
Delight and light
surrounded me then.
Everything was good.
Somehow my
senses were acute;
Bees-Butterflies,dandelions.
praying mantis
even earthworms-
were my playmates.
Mud pies and the smell of dirt.
Everything was intact
when I came to earth.
Seemed like a lovely place.
Riding my tricycle-
was quite like the freedom
I had known in my other home.
Then hooverd a cloud over me.
a dreary cloud,
Tears were streaming
I heard mommy crying.
She was only a child
I tried to make her
smile again. I wanted to know
but, she cried even more.
I tasted anguish for
the first time that day.
I was spiritually interrupted
afraid, insecure, and confused
confounded by the blanks and the
sudden disconnection,
I built up a wall;
The wall protected me
from the cacophony
of loud ,big people shouting.
I retreated into my safe world.
Grown-ups they annoyed me
All of them ( The big People )
They were different,
I vowed to never forget my original self.
I vowed that I would always
hold on to my Spiritual soul.
Years passed and I gathered
more of their distorted truth's
I wanted to enjoy the
body I was placed in.
The body I had
before the distractions of curves..
Before the mind noise.
Before the blood that
caused me distress
I could hardly hear
my inner-voice.
I prayed to my inner God.
Too much to know-
Too much too soon.
My innocence melted
like a snowball in a furnace.
The lust of the big people
no longer allowed
me the freedom childhood.
Now jaded with the
burden of womanhood
and my childhood was arrested..
My spirit was abruptly interrupted.
I want to see him as someone who did me wrong... in order to let him go. I want to no longer love him at all and just see his true colours as brightly as they show. Put up a wall, draw a line in the sand. Let go of his hand. And see him for who he is, now that I know.
For some reason I still feel like he is in there. I feel like he is just lost. How could I have thought that he was more than just a season… and not just a stumbling block. Another lesson to add to the past mistakes I thought had locked... locked away. Never to be looked at again…
I find myself still wanting to be there. Help him deal with all that I know he now feels. In my absence… his loss… How is it that I still care? That he still consumes my air? How is it possible? How did I get here? Why did I hang on for so long? Pretend to be strong?
Why can’t I be angry? Why do I want to reason? Am I crazy? I would not allow nor condone this kind of behaviour from anyone. And yet I’m worried that he is alone, when I should just be done.
He is like a parasite in my heart. Sucking out every ounce of love I have… and he is not even anywhere near me. How is it possible? How is it that I have given over so much power? When did this happen? When did I cower? Am I clinically insane, I have to be. How is it possible that this could be me? I feel so lame, lame as in my body is numb... lame as in how could I have been so dumb?
Blind to what was as clear as day, deaf to the words that continued to drum. Getting Louder and Louder from all sides. No matter how much I tried to hide, or run from… the words which echoed everywhere and anywhere trying to find me. Shouting at me so loudly. Knocking at my knees, allowing me to weaken, slowing me down and forcing me to crumble to the ground.
Stopping me in my tracks. Stopping me by showing me all the cracks… in a perfectly crafted, weaved web of lies. Forcing me to look it in the eyes… forcing me to stop.
Stop. Drop. And roll. Acknowledge the flames setting fire to my soul. Siren’s blaring… fires blazing… forcing me to let go. Now that I know. Now that I see. How is it possible for there to still be love left in me?
Taking into account all she had lost,
It seemed she had such great strength.
But no one ever stopped to consider
That what they were seeing was fake.
She had carefully built up a wall
Between her and the rest of the world.
Letting no one in was her way of coping
She pretended she didn’t need company
From those who would be her friends.
She chose to be alone with her pain
Knowing that she had been its cause.
Suffering in silence all through the day,
Nights were filled by drug induced sleep.
Would a breaking point come?
It happened early one spring morning,
An ending when beginnings occur.
She had found his note by her bed.
He couldn’t live with his sorrow.
He said he would rather be dead.
She had told him she would be leaving,
Ending the love they had known.
Another’s love she was taking,
Leaving him there all alone.
He didn’t deserve what she had done.
Now she had to live with her own sorrow.
His blood was on her two hands,
As if she had been the one with the gun
Would a breaking point come?
She had never revealed the truth
By giving the reasons he took his life.
Covering it up so completely,
Planning to live out the lie.
She was afraid that her friends
Would see through what she had done.
For this reason, she had built her wall
Around her heart with her lies.
Hoping that no one would notice
The feelings she tried hard to hide.
She had told the another man goodbye,
Choosing instead to go it alone.
Would a breaking point come?
On his birthday she sat by his grave,
Begging for him to forgive her
For the heart breaking things she had done.
His words had come back to haunt
Every single waking breath that she took.
He had said, “I have always loved you.
I thought that my love was enough.”
Too late she knew that she loved him,
Sitting there she started to cry.
The love of her life she had murdered
By telling him she was saying goodbye.
Now he sleeps in the ground forever
Beneath the double heart-shaped stone.
The breaking point had come.
He fought hard but still caved
He let the demons come in
He knew her rare value
Beautiful soul in front of him
He used to be her the safe
That protected her true worth
But the demons broke in
Put up a wall between her
She had no play or part
With his evil that brewed
Inside of his mind
Yet it grew and grew
Until he could not hold it
His grip beginning to break
She was inasantly non deserving
Of what she had to take
She was the victim of
The wake of his own demons
He took it out on her
He doesn't blame her for leavin
His own battle he was losing
He didn't mean to push her astray
She was the best thing
That had ever came his way
These demons they are cunning.
No care what's blocking their path
The more destruction they cause
The more that they will laugh
The hold that they take
Over the mind of their host
The source of their power
It is how that take the most
Fight from his soul
Breaking down his defense's
She was the poor Angel
That had to bare witness
He used to blame his demons
For the reason she was gone
She was his saving grace
He wished he had been strong
Enough to see it coming
Stop demons from gaining ground
The the outcome might be different
She might still be with him now
Maybe he was meant to fight
His war of self all alone
To slay all of his demons
His mind is not their home
He found power in pens
Writes strictly for one reason
To win the war he's losing
To these tricky damn demons
In hope that some day
He'll be strong enough to fight
If the demons come back
All doors closed to come inside
His Angel has gotten away
Due to his demons grinning
It's just a battle, not an end
Of a war that they're not winning
Now he's on top if his pain
In a balanced state if mind
Living for himself happy
No more demons of any kind
He wants his Angel back safe
He is wishing and believin
He has win his war
With these tricky damn demons
Written 2-22-19
A Shakespearean Parody to Hamlet (“To be or Not to be..”)
To wear my armor or only my bare skin- that is the question:
Whether ‘tis stronger to wear impermeable armor
Protected from enduring more pain,
Or to take my heart and allow it to feel
And, by opposing, to wear armour. To wear, to put up a wall,
No more; --- and by an armour to say we end
The feeling of betrayal and turmoil of heartaches bellowing within
That is something to turn off with a switch--’tis as pressing as a dying man's last wish
Something that shouldn't be easily dismissed. To wear, to protect--
To wear, exposed to nothing but emptiness. Ay, there springs the trap,
For in that shield of armour what emptiness will come,
When I have left trust and love to the fairytales of old,
Must make me think. There’s overwhelming altruism
That always threatens to drag me back from the abyss.
For can I survive the hurt and betrayal that comes with time,
The delicious words laced with toxins, another’s selfishness tendencies,
The pangs of unrequited love that are never to be returned kindly,
The isolation that comes with the relentless feeling of loneliness,
That of those who judge without seeing past the ends of their nose
When I myself could stop it all with a simple metal plating
Letting but yet not one in? Who would shun away anyone bold enough to sneak on close
But that of fear of the dark and losing oneself,
The lonely winding road taken alone
Nobody around to cause harm, but no place to call home
And this is how a darkness grips onto ones melancholy heart
Thus humanity does make us shed bare skin through clinks in our armour
And shows where we are vulnerable to others
With little regard to scars that already reside embedded in skin
And is under a constant threat to be reopened again.
We were filled with hope for peace and love in the 60’s
but how quickly that hope would decline
as our dreams and wishes turned to ashes by the end of 1969.
But 51 years ago today our crumbling faith would be rewarded
for that was the day Bridge Over Trouble Water by Simon and Garfunkel was recorded.
Reminding us when we are weary…when we’re feeling small
how building a bridge is so much better…than putting up a wall.
America has navigated troubled waters as 244 years have elapsed
but many of the bridges that were built have long ago collapsed.
We can’t ignore the hate in this country that rains so freely from above
But we can begin to fight that hate by building our bridges out of love.
So I will lay me down over these troubled waters
with the hope that peace and love I find
when you lay yourself down and your bridge connects with mine.
I leave you now with the lyrics of their song in the hope that we might find
a way to build a bridges out of peace and love…
A way to ease our mind.
Bridge Over Troubled Water
Song by Simon & Garfunkel
When you're weary, feeling small
When tears are in your eyes, I will dry them all, all
I'm on your side, oh, when times get rough
And friends just can't be found
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down
When you're down and out
When you're on the street
When evening falls so hard
I will comfort you
I'll take your part, oh, when darkness comes
And pain is all around
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down
Sail on silver girl
Sail on by
Your time has come to shine
All your dreams are on their way
See how they shine
Oh, if you need a friend
I'm sailing right behind
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind
Beautiful, how we burn, sweet, how we scream, horizon, what we build, look at it now, is falling
down, dead less feelings covering mental capacity, dying to build up a wall were the enemy will
not cross, but a lifetime is not enough for the work we desire, i love the way you scream to me,
but i feel i want to destroy you, dismember you and bury your remains, ashes? Sympathy walks
with me and ha no meaning, i don't need sympathy, not today, not morrow, not again, is not i
will but i must, is not my game but im playing still, the hater of the agony will back off before I
explode, inside a system, what system? No, i can't understand what is going on, help us! Not
tonight, not today, sun becomes dark while the moon freezes the heavens with cold
embracement, is gone, trought the tomb of our parents, but i was told another story, does it
change history? Help! I need help here, im lost and i don't understand this hell, can't open my
eyes but the light is making e blind, i don't see trought the hollow bottle but i know there's some
one on the other side, confusion swallows a mind of horror, is here, is now, is later, were is the
throne of hades! Were is crecious! Give us back our soul, but who fought alongside me, i don't
know, place help me now, please explain to me what the world never seen, give me everything,
but leave me poor, i want to die here, but please help me run, away, were the sun will not burn,
were the moon will not freeze, hell is light, haven is lighter, but i want hell a place i can rest in
freedom, but heaven is lighter were the eternity seems coldly calm in bliss, freedom is spread
on agony, i don't understand this, either do you, how do i see when my eyes are sewed by the
enemy, how do i scream when my voice is acid burned, how do i hear when all i know is an
eternal scream, but i still know what happen to the world we once knew...
Dear Stranger, it's odd to call you that but to be fair that is what you are.
I only have three years of memory of you. The rest are just stories I've heard through the years.
That's all you are now, old stories told that are retold like folk tales of some kind. I have one story about you.
Which I keep in my mind a lot of the time. I'm not going to tell you all you have missed out on. I'm not going to tell you because it's not fair at all.
I sometimes wonder what would have happened if you hadn't gotten sick like you did. Would we all still be a family stranger? I have a feeling that we wouldn't be after all the stuff like the fighting. I remember the biggest fight you and mom had on Well's Luke Road.
If you could see what your family has become, I am betting you would have some words for them all. You probably know that you have two grandkids which both drive mom and my sister up a wall. I pretty much tune them out to a point. You probably know that mom has had two other men in her life since you. They treated her right.
I hope you don't mind but I used what I could remember of you for a character of you Stranger. I even made him a Crimson Tide fan. I'm sure you would like that a lot and probably even made you smile just then. Your mother once told me she thinks my writing talent was a way of you saying goodbye to me. If so then thank you. If not, then maybe she was just being nice.
Now I've caught you up on stuff just clips of it. Stranger when I decided to write this to you, I didn't know what to say. I guess you will forever be just stories to me. Maybe like the scar on my hand, those stories will fade.
Until we get to officially meet stranger, I will just keep looking at that photo taken so many life times ago.
By,
the little girl you used to know