How Is It Possible?
I want to see him as someone who did me wrong... in order to let him go. I want to no longer love him at all and just see his true colours as brightly as they show. Put up a wall, draw a line in the sand. Let go of his hand. And see him for who he is, now that I know.
For some reason I still feel like he is in there. I feel like he is just lost. How could I have thought that he was more than just a season… and not just a stumbling block. Another lesson to add to the past mistakes I thought had locked... locked away. Never to be looked at again…
I find myself still wanting to be there. Help him deal with all that I know he now feels. In my absence… his loss… How is it that I still care? That he still consumes my air? How is it possible? How did I get here? Why did I hang on for so long? Pretend to be strong?
Why can’t I be angry? Why do I want to reason? Am I crazy? I would not allow nor condone this kind of behaviour from anyone. And yet I’m worried that he is alone, when I should just be done.
He is like a parasite in my heart. Sucking out every ounce of love I have… and he is not even anywhere near me. How is it possible? How is it that I have given over so much power? When did this happen? When did I cower? Am I clinically insane, I have to be. How is it possible that this could be me? I feel so lame, lame as in my body is numb... lame as in how could I have been so dumb?
Blind to what was as clear as day, deaf to the words that continued to drum. Getting Louder and Louder from all sides. No matter how much I tried to hide, or run from… the words which echoed everywhere and anywhere trying to find me. Shouting at me so loudly. Knocking at my knees, allowing me to weaken, slowing me down and forcing me to crumble to the ground.
Stopping me in my tracks. Stopping me by showing me all the cracks… in a perfectly crafted, weaved web of lies. Forcing me to look it in the eyes… forcing me to stop.
Stop. Drop. And roll. Acknowledge the flames setting fire to my soul. Siren’s blaring… fires blazing… forcing me to let go. Now that I know. Now that I see. How is it possible for there to still be love left in me?
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