Long Avoidant Poems

I am sorry
about my judgmental,
sadly disdainful,
tone
in earlier messages.

Even worse,
I remain embarrassed
for spreading it out
for key staff
and leaders
to well-positioned see
and hear
and feel,
touched by wounded toxicity.

My training 
and experience
includes victimized by homophobia
and healing through community mediation.

Within this...

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Back in our preverbal day
of healthy regenerating time,
indigenous wisdom
pursued peak experiences
of cooperative pleasure,
deep co-empathic embrace.

Sometimes,
especially when this pleasure was sustained,
euphoric,
ejaculatory
and reverberating in resonant cycles
of deep wombed ecstasy,
procreation happened,
preferably in the spring
when new life is more...

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There is this hypothesis
I unjustly
and perhaps traumatically
just made hard and patriarchally up
is not down 
and retentatively not out
soon enough for healthy comings 
and goings

A ridiculous theory
that straight homophobic preachers
and teachers,
prophets
and kings,
pharaohs
and rabbis,
old crows
and magpies

Throughout too...

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I couldn’t even stop myself from sacrificing everything for you
How could I be trusted with your last breath?
My recital of a photo albums worth of memories
Induced a coat of water in everyone's eyes  
But...

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When at last you have become aware deep down yourself
and of the people whom require at last some mental health
be serviced, come to services
and you have at least one personality disorder
characterized by abnormal
and maladaptive inner...

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The mirror knows.
It shows
More than you’ll allow it
More th?n you’ll admit.
The music stops
The heart – it drops.
At least, while you are dancing
You’ve got no time to see.
You’re gazing in the distance,
Avoidant of reflections.
You catch a...

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Know of a lady
Who patiently waited

To at last be seen
Seen and heard

Given the merest scraps
 Biding her time

Time she watched fly
as the swiftest bird

Always warmed with coffee in her bed
that he chilled from his own...

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I am the queen of self destruction.
Ritualistic Razor sharp scrutiny of my reflection -
constantly spewing hate at my mid-section, 
whilst effortlessly faking the pursuit of perfection. 

A crumbled up heart beckons restitution in the midst
of...

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Past, Present, Future.
They are all Now. 
In the disappointing Present, 
I desire the unfulfilled Dream of Future,
Yet i am Plagued by memories and comparisons of bittersweet Past.

With the wisdom of Experience
Borne of the poor judgment...

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i am an avoidant

i avoid the eyes that stare

they make me feel like handcuffs to a chair

and I'm afraid of the face

how it comes to rest on my case

the pounding of a heart

like the shredder...

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I've been sneezing since June from the dust.
I took bupropion with mountain dew-
Now I can't sleep, my heart is beating fast,
I'm a little dizzy and a bit nauseous.

Vesta told me not to lose my head
But...

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The silent street in evening shade
Glistening wet with shallow puddles
Where a frightened dog drinks
And runs

A hand in his neck, constrained
A guide without compromise
Bypassers glance without seeing
Avoidant

There are no questions, they left
aeons ago, in a life...

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I have been looking for my voice
                 It is lost
    Between my own stupidity 
 ...

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