Misguided Meditations

I am sorry about my judgmental, sadly disdainful, tone in earlier messages. Even worse, I remain embarrassed for spreading it out for key staff and leaders to well-positioned see and hear and feel, touched by wounded toxicity. My training and experience includes victimized by homophobia and healing through community mediation. Within this mindful context, I have tried to understand what you want to healthy live, what you are learning to love, what feeds and waters you in your Presidential Position. Your responses: 1. that you know and care, at least on your best days, about our residential members and all our extended multicultural membership, AND 2. that you have unusual expertise, communication skills training, professional and political and corporate economic administration experience not available from other members, At least not any willing to step up and out into saying, Yes, I'll help optimize our most cost-effective win/win healthy and safe resilience opportunities. I failed to fully fit these with past mediation interviews. I was not as surprised by the second one, as by the first, because usually those seeking arbitration help feel they live in a high-risk win/lose zero-sum system punishing loss, while looking for their personal most loss-avoidant path toward "professional" political and economic gain. More closely regarding #2, that you have unusual contractor, business and project budgeting, patriarchal busy management, and significant financially successful property management experience I was impressed with what you bring to our leadership table And yet this does not, in and of itself, speak to communication and healthy democracy skill sets for PRESIDENT of the Board. On the contrary, it seems to me all this volunteer work must detract from where your most cost-effective personal focus needs to be on your too busy workdays, probably extending into evenings and family/friend-lost weekends. With regard to #1, knowing and appreciating win/win health and safety feelings for residential and co-investor members This also did not sound quite like my personal experience could typically recall. When I ask for personal motives, usually what win/lose business men speak of begins with financial motivations, sometimes secondarily supported by ecological concerns, occasionally theological beliefs, political aspirations, retaining a positive community relations image, community leadership aspirations, wanting to be perceived as a good and competent leader, legislator, teacher, and/or, in the case of religious constituencies, wise spiritual Elder. I have clearly failed to understand why you want to continue Presiding over the Board. This remains a mystery shared by everyone I've asked. When I share with them your two responses to "What's in Presidency for you? this fits with their Successful Business Leader view but raises dissonant questions How could you afford to donate this much time and expert interest without any financial return? This dissonant mistrusting feeling grows further by those who have been residents for many years yet still do not feel seen or heard So how could you know and care about us? As a mediator with therapeutic, nonviolent communication intent What do I do with my inability to accurately and compassionately empathize with you on your journey toward fulfillment, success, happiness, prosperity and, preferably, unconditional mutual regard? To truly understand and support you in your personal and social health and safety self-interest, and to continue as our business leading Presider? I do not know how to do both of those things, and no one who encouraged me to join the Board wants me to support you. That said, one way sure not to help you or me understand and support you is to publicly judge, shame and/or blame you for circumstances beyond your responsibility and authority to control. If I have done that, when I have done that, while I am doing that, I have not been a good person, I have been a disappointing multiculturally trained to listen community-mindful health and safety mediator muse sage warrior And, I have not practiced even basic nonviolent communication skills And, you presumably are experiencing further high-risk chronic trauma as a result of my negligence. For these failures on my part, I apologize. I often recall a circle of nonlinear self-discovery learned from a favorite and famous spiritual director "Who, in your life now, and perhaps in your past, has been with you at your most passionate positive best?" These are often romantic, and sometimes earlier healthy and safe parental win/win relationship histories. "How would that person, those re-membering people, probably describe your sense of humor?" If you have no idea, you might want to start there to therapeutically respond to deeply engrained trauma-avoidant chronic stress disorder. If you do have an idea, some warm and welcoming ideas about what helps you laugh with your curiously vulnerable and transparent self (not at yourself) and with another you trust and have found attractive, compelling, in some integrally soulful way, then try to use that co-passion tool to feel better about yourself, your personal relationship history, and your potential for future healthy and good-humored win/win nonviolent communication for achieving resiliently co-mediated health and safety outcomes. Sometimes laughter is not only the healthiest medicine, it is the only accessible medication for overwhelming win/lose systemic trauma of too seldom experiencing liberally unconditioned warm Self as also Other mutually reassured regard.