Long humor Poems
Long humor Poems. Below are the most popular long humor by PoetrySoup Members. You can search for long humor poems by poem length and keyword.
~ A Running Joke from Israel's
War for Independence, 1948 ~
I'm a brave soldier, I defend my land
This broom is my rifle, I guard this sand
I fight for the right to live and not die
To breathe fresh air, under clear blue skies
I'm a brave soldier, I defend my land
This broom is my rifle, I guard this san--
The bushes near me stir. Now I'm scared!
Halt! Halt, I demand! Who goes there?
FRIEND OR FOE? FRIEND OR FOE?
WHO IS IT THAT GO--
The bushes part! There goes my heart...
Out comes -- Moshe?!
OMG, Moshe, I almost shot you with my 'rifle'
Not to worry, Avi. I'm an 'armored tank'
~ Thank the good Lord I'm not homicidal!
____________________________________
Note: Israel was so short on weapons in the
War of Independence (1948-49) that soldiers
were actually using hammers, although I
don't think they ever used brooms... Beware
of 'armored tanks' now! lol.
Awakening - not my forte per se,
With a new dawn perspective rather grey,
Lolling in bed I stretch and yawn until
Coffee aroma nibbles my nostril.
The mere thought of it stirs my core to rise,
The first sip opens up my droopy eyes,
Half through the cup my bowel goes wide awake,
My zest for life skyrockets, give or take.
On high alert I run round and about,
Achieve, accomplish and excel, no doubt.
Yet by noontime adrenaline I lack -
Need more of caffeine to bounce right back.
Cup on cup daily cravings satisfied,
Tossing and turning all night, the dread side!
By morning yet again the eyes tight shut
Til coffee scent tickles my nostril BUT
Sadly, in golden age I took to tea -
Temperament cooled down, caffeine free.
The wind chill is 45 below sanity
a snowman has frozen snot
dripping from his 1 carrot nose
but the cold doesn't stop the death toll
in my sweet home Chicago.
27 dead across the Midwest.
Frozen solid in the echoes of their final steps.
A snow-shoveling heart attack took out a vet
who did three tours in Iraq.
My neighbor kept me awake, wielding a leaf blower.
To whisk away little puffs of snow.
He knows I work the graveyard shift.
But tomorrow I'll give him my happy hello.
He's on permanent disability, drives a nicer car than me.
He's the one who rolled a snowman into form despite his bad back.
Clever little mother#%$&*$
He'll never have a heart attack.
There's a variety of starvation and riots.
Thirteen wars going on at present.
But the primetime gossips are obsessing about.
Trump's big orange belly and wispy hair...
Mercifully, they cut to a Kotex commercial.
It's a good time to coffee up and take a piss.
I've got a very serious case of the polar vortex blues.
Carolin gave up on love because she had married two bad guys
One was a wife-beater
the other was a wife putter-down-er
She said she would never marry again, not even date
Then she became lonely, and wanted a companion
All of her friends had husbands; they were the age that usually do
They could not entertain her, so she was alone
She became sad and a little down, feeling isolated.
A friend suggested that she make a list of what she wanted in a man.
Carolin wrote down sense of humor, kind, honest, with integrity.
Then she put the list under her pillow. Her angels began working on the list.
A man she had not seen in twenty-years gave her a call.
He invited her out to supper. She said no a few times.
He assured her it was “only supper”.
She told him she would have to be in bed by eight-thirty.
He had her home at 8:27, and asked if they could go out again.
She thought maybe they could. That was twenty-three years ago.
They have been married for twenty-one years, and are happy.
This man fit all of the items on her list.
Ok, it’s time to talk potato
One of nature’s finest
Within the vegetable kingdom
Considered….His Royal Highness
A versatile, varied vegetable
Available and loved by most
So many different purposes in life
Like chips, mash , and roast
A solid ,decent vegetable
Affectionately known as “Spud”
From humble beginnings
Grown and born in natures mud!
If Spuds eyes sadly look at you
His body is now weak and old
It’s time to say your goodbyes
And let your poor Spud go!
It is now time to honour our wonderful Spud
So please raise your glass and join me in a toast
“To Spud for ever providing us”
With chips, mash and roast!!!
It took an hour to get ready,
even to just drive around the block.
First, he would check the oil, kick the tires,
tune the radio and set the clock.
Then he’d adjust all of the mirrors,
check the wipers and wash the head light.
Not sure why he’d worry about it,
cause he could not see to drive at night.
He could not start any adventure,
and not stop at the liquor store first.
Had to grab a six of Budweiser,
he’d say, “so he did not die of thirst.”
He’d stop at the bottom of the ramp.
trying to get onto the freeway.
Then set his cruise control at forty,
his signal light flashing the whole way.
You know he could not drive fifty-five,
but stayed right there in the passing lane.
Traffic backed up for about a mile,
wave his finger at all who’d complain.
Before he could make a right-hand turn,
he had to come to a complete stop.
Drove around the lot for an hour,
while mom went into the store to shop.
Mindfulness Bah. Humbug. I spit on it.
I drag it through the mud. I crucify it.
Mindfulness – a term created by who?
Someone who does not fully understand the joy
of sitting mindlessly in front of a TV set, computer monitor
I-phone, or I-pad, that’s who.
Who ARE these idiots? Why do they think they are superior?
With their haughty eleven letter word that meant nothing
until one of them thought it up and started shoving it down our throats.
Well, mindfulness, you are not comfortable to me, and you never will be.
My throat is closed. Covid19 closed to your stupid mindful ways.
I have shut my mind to you because I adore sitting in a stupor
daydreaming of being in a different place, and having a better life
I can blissfully sit mindlessly in front of a monitor fighting bad guys,
watching their blood gush.
If I get bored, guess what? I can switch to word games or
a video or a movie, and watch until I am as dead as a stuffed beaver.
Staring at something, without even caring what the hell it is.
Giving myself an out from life.
Giving myself a chance to rejuvenate
so I can face work tomorrow.
So stuff it mindfulness.
You are supposed to show us how to relax?
You do not know what the hell
you are talking about…..
Relaxation is going into lah lah land doing NOTHING
being totally not-mindful, you idiot!
If you believe professional athletes
should punch their Free Speech Rights out
when they punch in their employment clock,
Why is it fair
to also believe
you have not twittered out your violent
and racist
and sexist
Free NonViolent Speech Rights
when you laid hands on
and pledged your crossed-finger heart
to Presidential FakePatriotic AntiAllegiance
to One First Native MultiCulturing Nation,
for which it stands
under God,
not so much idolatrously and supremely above?
With growing equity, not supremacy,
and WinWin cooperative liberty,
not competitive WinLose violent
and ballistic
restricted TopSecret mega-loyalty corporations,
and for ecojustice of, from, and for All
Species
and climates
and cooperative health care giving and receiving
ecopolitical reassurances
patriotic for ecojustice
inter-network nationed
Sacred Earth,
Headed toward polycultural-endorsing Free NonViolent Speech Outcomes
and away from MonoCulturing Twitters
cheerleading Mindless Speech
as AntiAmerican Outputs,
Indulged and over-invested in too-Yanged ballistic word choices,
not suitable for young non-violent ears and eyes,
as if such were super-calorie patriotic expedited delicious
flag waving
and wearing
and wrapping,
rather than anti-matriotic hearts of loyal-honorable matters
of and for healthy Earth climates,
both inside sacred Twittering
and outside polypathic healthy-wealth
ecopolitically incarnating.
You choose fake patriotism news,
but we,
both Left and Right,
permaculturally prefer
keepin' it realtime jazzy gospel,
Sacred Matriotic Revolutionary Rhythm
and Timeless Blues.
Patriotism is about commitment
to freedom
and justice
and equity
and mercy
and love
and compassion
and justice,
and not at all about feeling bullied to act in ways
that could only betray the integrity of your commitments
to freedom
and justice
and equity
and mercy
and love
and compassion
and peace
and justice for and with All Earthlings,
singing and dancing our best rhythms
as yet timeless blues.
This erstwhile avid poet stir "boy"
prone to hyperbole in a "man" newer
(manure) of writing about his foie
gras bulls, (which matter of fact
happen tubby Ruby red)
redirects his gripe, how
he no longer doth enjoy
sharing his rhymes without
(poems), resorts to joy
full tongue in cheek humor to
lament, harumph, decry...
a source of annoy
ants, sans how nearly every
one of my satisfactory
albeit "FAKE" Hiam
Bick Penn- -Tam Meter
most definitely did perturb,
irk, and displease to cloy
administrators regarding gamut of
various and sundry writing groups,
(yes specifically geared to poetry),
(presuming me in cahoots with George Soros)
I suspect did employ
secret double agents groomed by
Mark Zuckerberg, and/
or Sheryl Sandberg deploy
ying ambiguous reference did not tow
arbitrary guidelines to cite nearly each
endeavor of mine as discrepancy
causing equivalent as digital row
points of view not
countenanced from this bro'
penniless, nearly without dough
nuts to dollars, thus to assuage ego,
(which rejections of sorts)
did rankle at first, hence
explanation no mo' crow
wing (except on my homepage),
an abrupt end explains absence
in case any readers did show
interest can still peruse yo
yo wing unstrung thoughts
from this average joe
by enclosing a blank check
addressed to this wise
acre and silently assertive bozo,
who will express how ire doth flow,
yet tactfulness and diplomacy
kept in mind before I go
ranting and raving like some roe
ving madman wading in deep water!
My eleven year old son decided to steal my car.
He drove to the theater and sneaked in to watch.a movie that is rated R.
The film is about zombies who rise from the dead in a cemetery.
Now he has to sleep with a nightlight because it was so scary.
He has nightmares that make him scream every night.
He wets his bed and sucks his thumb because of fright.
His screams wake me every night, I'm tired of having to get out of bed.
If the brat watches another R rated movie, I'll slap him upside his head.
My eyes are red and puffy because I haven't slept in three weeks.
I'm tired of changing his sheets four times a night when he leaks.
My wife blames me and she hits me so hard that I see stars.
My life is in turmoil because of a damn movie that is rated R.