A Universal Truth
By Elton Camp
The kings orders, his subjects hasten to obey
But in his own castle it doesn’t work that way
He can give commands when he thinks needed
By his wife you can be sure they’re unheeded
The prince can give the princess instructions all day
But it’s almost certain she won’t do what he may say
The duke may tell the duchess what she’s to do
If he says she obeys, about other things he’s untrue
The serf may tell his wife what she should be doing
But the day he tries to enforce it one he’ll be ruing
So great wealth or power don’t really mean a thing
True of any man when into a house a wife does bring
The man who thinks a rebellious wife he’ll slap down
Is probably one of the very dumbest ones to be found
For if by violence he forces her to his will to comply
To never go to sleep and night, he sure needs to try
To stay alert both day and night he had better prepare
Lest she finds a chance to damage him beyond repair
Shots served by Anthony’s Weiner
Are wrong and reflect bad demeanor
These tweets indiscrete
His wife Uma did cheat
And she'll take him to the cleaner
Author's note: My wife and I were talking about the fact that the congressman needs to feel
as though he is loved by many women. This is likely because he suffers from low self
esteem. A problem from childhood that was never addressed--just undressed.
Keno Baby
My wife and I liked to play keno
Just about every weekend we would go
She was pregnant and due any day
Over an hour’s ride each way
Other players would say
Your going to give birth today
We got home and went to bed
It’s that time my wife had said
Her water broke on the floor
Our first was born in nineteen sixty four
It was almost a maybe
That we had a keno baby
It's all a matter of opinion
We all have one of these
We always have something to say
Even if no one else agrees
My wife says I don't have one
I have to ask her what to say
She thinks I'll say something stupid
She says, "You're just made that way"
If we go to a fancy restaurant
She orders what food we'll eat
She tells me when I'm finished
And when to leave my seat
Even on our wedding day
Before I could say, "I do"
She told the preacher, "Of course, he does"
So I just mumbled, "True"
If it sounds like I am henpecked
My wife says that's not true
She says to tell you, "You're all wrong"
She doesn't tell me what to do
So be glad you're not in my shoes
A man who lives this way
The only words I'm allowed to utter
Is, "Yes dear whatever you say"
Well, I think I'll end this poem
And try to get on with my life
But before I go, I want you to know
I probably better ask my wife
My wife asked me to do the shopping
Then handed me a grocery list
It wasn't very big just some household stuff
And some other things that she had missed
"Piece of cake," I told my wife
And out the door I went
She yelled, "Don't forget to get a receipt,
So I can see how much you spent"
I got to the market and headed for the milk
It wasn't on the list per se
But being the man who knew what he wanted
I thought I'd get it anyway
Then I strolled on over to the frozen meat
And pick up some T-bone steaks
Again, the list didn't have it written down
Just another one of her mistakes
I had to get some snacks for the football game
Cause a man can't have enough
I didn't check the list to see if it was there
Cause I was busy doing other stuff
Before I knew it the buggy was full
Okay, maybe there were three
But look at all this stuff I got
She'd be so proud of me
Nine hundred dollars and fifteen cents
And man my wife was pissed
I spent a whole months budget in twenty-five minutes
And didn't buy a thing from the list
My wife says I need glasses
But I don't think I do
Cause I fed that monkey a banana
One evening at the zoo
She said, "You know that's not a monkey"
But I would disagree
She said, "You knew that was my mama"
Well, it looked like a monkey to me
I can see as good as always
And I don't bump into the wall
I only got lost a couple of times
While walking down the hall
Things might be a little blurry
I just need a little sleep
So don't worry about these peepers
They still have plenty of peep
I still see that hairy monkey
I just act like it's not there
My wife still says it's her mama
Underneath that monkey hair
HAPPIEST DAYS OF MY LIFE ( EXERPT FROM DIARY )
Wednesday afternoon :-
I was sitting under a tree and
Watching apples falling - said to myself,
Wow I’ve just discovered
The law of gravitation.
My wife ran out and said
Isaac come and get your
Dinner before it goes cold.
It was meat-loaf – my favourite.
After dinner I wrote “Principia” -
Cool book, kinda new ideas,
Nice read but it didn’t sell well.
Thursday morning:-
Sort of invented calculus, but made no notes.
Found later that Leibnitz also
Did same, but kept his notes.
Must keep notes in future.
Dinner – sausages and potatoes.
Friday:-
Rained during the morning, but saw rainbows later.
Discovered that light is splittable into colours.
(Kept note of discovery)
Mashed potatoes and lamb chop.
These are some of the happiest days of my life –
My wife is such a good cook.
While driving down a country road
One dark and lonely night
My engine began to spit and sputter
From a strange and mysterious light
I saw this little green spaceman
With antennas on his head
He was standing beside my window
And this is what he said
"Take me to your leader,
Or we will end your life"
So I did exactly what he said
And I took him to my wife
When I got home my wife was mad
And asked me where I've been
I told her about my crazy night
And about those little green men
She asked if I'd been drinking
And I don't drink a drop
About that time that spaceman yelled,
"Okay now, everybody stop"
Now my wife was really pissed
And said, "Who do you think you are?"
She grabbed him by his spaceman ear
And drug him from that car
Now, there she was in curlers
With that spaceman by his ear
I think he might have peed himself
As he stood there in all his fear
Now you may not believe my story
But I've got a souvenir
When they beamed that spaceman back to his ship
My wife held on to his ear
So if you ever see a UFO
Don't scream and run for your life
Just take him to your leader
And by leader I mean, my wife
ERNIE’S DOGGIE DELIMMA
,
THIS IS THE STORY OF ERNIE,
A WIENER DOG BREEDER HE WOULD BE,
SO HE BOUGHT HIS FIRST DOG FOR A HUNDRED BUCKS,
AND GAVE HIM THE NAME DOOGIE.
HE SAID TO HIS WIFE I HAVE AN IDEA,
TO MAKE MONEY BEYOND COMPARE,
SO ERNIE BOUGHT DOOGIE A FEMALE,
SO DOOGIE HIS LOVE HE COULD SHARE.
SO SNUGGLES THE FEMALE GOT PREGNANT,
AND I HAD DOLLAR SIGNS IN MY EYES,
BUT THEY WERE SO CUTE WHEN THEY WERE BORN,
MY WIFE COULDN’T SELL THEM TO MY SURPRISE.
AT FIRST I OWNED TWO NOW I OWN FOUR,
THEN DOOGIE DID IT ONCE MORE,
SO NOW I OWN FIVE,
AND YES I AM WIENEE DOG POOR.
NO MORE, NO MORE THE DECISION WAS MADE,
I HAD THEM ALL NUTERED,
I HAD THEM ALL SPAYED,
WITH MY POCKETS ALL EMPTY,
I CAN’T PAY MY DEBTS,
CAUSE ALL OF MY MONEY BELONGS TO THE VETS.
My beloved wife didn't have one baby, she had five instead.
I should've used a condom that night when we were in bed.
Everybody says that my babies are a wonderful gift and that I've been blessed.
But when I saw the hospital bill after they were born, I became seriously depressed.
I don't see any peace at home, my babies sure do know how to cry.
They've drank so much milk that they've sucked my wife's **** dry.
My wife wants them to get a good education so that they'll gain knowledge.
But I'll have to hold down four jobs just to be able to send them to college.
I love all of my five babies but I don't like the situation that I'm in.
I'm going to scream because I just learned that she's pregnant again.
(THIS IS A FICTIONAL POEM.)
My wife says I need glasses
But I don't think I do
All because I fed a monkey
One evening at the zoo
She said, "You know that's not a monkey"
But I would disagree
She said, "You knew that was my mama"
Well, it looked like a monkey to me
I can see as good as always
And I don't bump into the wall
I only got lost a couple of times
While walking down the hall
Things might be a little blurry
I just need a little sleep
So don't worry about these peepers
They still have plenty of peep
I still see that hairy monkey
I just act like it's not there
My wife still says it's her mama
Underneath that monkey hair
My wife says I'm her hero
Her knight in shining armor
My tractor is my batmobile
Disguised as a simple farmer
I'll save those chickens from that fox
Each night when the sun goes down
I'll make that chicken coop safe again
For my fame is county renown
I'm known as the garden protector
Those vermin had better take heed
I've even taken a solid oath
To hunt down every weed
My costume is my overalls
Complete with magic boots
I tromp around in cow manure
And kick up stubborn roots
My hideout is a big red barn
Built on bottom land
Protecting all the animals
With a pitchfork in my hand
I met my wife at the farmer's market
She said I was quite the charmer
Of course she didn't have any idea
That she was marrying the Hero Farmer
My wife asked me to do the shopping
Then handed me a grocery list
It wasn't very big just some household stuff
And some other things that she had missed
"Piece of cake," I told my wife
And out the door I went
She yelled, "Don't forget to get a receipt,
So I can see how much you spent"
I got to the market and headed for the milk
It wasn't on the list per se
But being the man who knew what he wanted
I thought I'd get it anyway
Then I strolled on over to the frozen meat
And pick up some T-bone steaks
Again, the list didn't have it written down
Just another one of her mistakes
I had to get some snacks for the football game
Cause a man can't have enough
I didn't check the list to see if it was there
Cause I was busy doing other stuff
Before I knew it the buggy was full
Okay, maybe there were three
But look at all this stuff I got
She'd be so proud of me
Nine hundred dollars and fifteen cents
And man my wife was pissed
I spent a whole months budget in twenty-five minutes
And didn't buy a thing from the list
My wife feeds me dog food and she serves her dogs steaks.
I don't know how much more of this ******** that I can take.
You probably know that eating dog food sucks.
Everytime I eat that disgusting crap, I say yuck!
Whenever I demand better food, I begin to shout.
I'd give anything if I had enough money to eat out.
Everytime I complain about it, it does no good.
She never serves good food like she should.
When she serves me the dog food, she won't even take it out of the can.
I'm not a canine dammit, I'm a man!
After she feeds her four dogs, good food is something that I can never afford.
The dog catcher just took her dogs, it's too bad that I couldn't give him a reward.
My wife is furious and she's going to leave.
A miracle from Heaven is what I've received.
(THIS IS A FICTIONAL POEM.)
I snuck to the fridge to eat a bite
Ever so quietly late at night
I couldn't see where to go
I screamed when I stumped my toe
My wife called the cops then turned on the light
They sent a cop that kicked in my door
Threw me and my wife both on the floor
I had embarrassed us both
That cop ate my wife's meatloaf
And now I'm hungry and my toe is sore
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