Best Funnywife Poems
It's all a matter of opinion
We all have one of these
We always have something to say
Even if no one else agrees
My wife says I don't have one
I have to ask her what to say
She thinks I'll say something stupid
She says, "You're just made that way"
If we go to a fancy restaurant
She orders what food we'll eat
She tells me when I'm finished
And when to leave my seat
Even on our wedding day
Before I could say, "I do"
She told the preacher, "Of course, he does"
So I just mumbled, "True"
If it sounds like I am henpecked
My wife says that's not true
She says to tell you, "You're all wrong"
She doesn't tell me what to do
So be glad you're not in my shoes
A man who lives this way
The only words I'm allowed to utter
Is, "Yes dear whatever you say"
Well, I think I'll end this poem
And try to get on with my life
But before I go, I want you to know
I probably better ask my wife
While driving down a country road
One dark and lonely night
My engine began to spit and sputter
From a strange and mysterious light
I saw this little green spaceman
With antennas on his head
He was standing beside my window
And this is what he said
"Take me to your leader,
Or we will end your life"
So I did exactly what he said
And I took him to my wife
When I got home my wife was mad
And asked me where I've been
I told her about my crazy night
And about those little green men
She asked if I'd been drinking
And I don't drink a drop
About that time that spaceman yelled,
"Okay now, everybody stop"
Now my wife was really pissed
And said, "Who do you think you are?"
She grabbed him by his spaceman ear
And drug him from that car
Now, there she was in curlers
With that spaceman by his ear
I think he might have peed himself
As he stood there in all his fear
Now you may not believe my story
But I've got a souvenir
When they beamed that spaceman back to his ship
My wife held on to his ear
So if you ever see a UFO
Don't scream and run for your life
Just take him to your leader
And by leader I mean, my wife
A memory is found in the back of my mind
That I thought was stored away
It's creeping back in, without my approval
Oh why would it treat me this way
I keep thinking about that bean juice
But it's not what you people may think
Get your minds out of that smelly gutter
For it has nothing to do with the stink
See, we were singing at this fundraiser
Kind of an all you can eat buffet
What happened next was a nightmare
And I keep trying to forget that day
As I went down the line, with plate in hand
The soup beans were all I could see
Since my mother died, the beans were scarce
For my wife wouldn't make them for me
My plate was full, as my heart leapt with joy
From this promising prize that I'd found
I know what you're thinking so stop it!
It has nothing to do with that sound
The place that I'd chosen to sample this treat
Was packed like a can of sardines
But I was in a hurry to find my seat
So I could get to those wonderful beans
At the front of the table sit a famous guest
A popular radio D J
Though try as I might the path was too tight
As my bean juice had found his toupee
Now with beans in my plate and egg on my face
I had only myself to blame
For three beans with juice sat on top of his head
As my wife hid her poor face in shame
I mean what could I say to comfort this man
As my meal sat on top of his head
So I just bit my tongue and walked away
And hoped he didn't notice instead
Well my guilt would get the best of me
As I approached him later that day
I reach for his hand, and say I'm sorry my friend
For I've spilled bean juice on top your toupee
Well, the man wasn't happy to say the least
And I really can't blame him at all
For I'm stuck in this slow motion memory
As I watching that bean juice fall
Well, that's my story and all of it's true
Maybe one day that memory will pass
See, I told you this story was not what you thought
For it had nothing to do with gas
A man and his wife are awakened,
loud pounding on their front door.
It is three o"clock in the morning,
what on earth is this uproar!
The man goes down his stairs
puts on his outside light,
opens up his door
and looks out in the night.
There stands a drunken stranger,
soaking wet with rain.
"What the heck do you want?"
"You really are a pain."
"So sorry I"ve to bother you,
but you see I need a push,
just cant keep my feet,
keep falling on my tush."
"What!"Exclaims the man.
"You must be off your head,
it is three o"clock in the morning
I am going back to bed."
With that he slams the door
and goes back to his bed,
cursing and a swearing loud
wishing this stranger dead.
"Who on earth was that?"
His good lady she did ask.
"A drunk guy wants a push,
but I soon took him to task!"
"Oh come on "She says.
"Give the guy a break,
go back down and help,
God says don"t forsake."
"Remember we once broke down,
we were full of doubt,
worried what to do
then two men they helped us out."
His wife went off on one
she really hit free flow,
"God loves drunk people too!"
Of that he ought to know.
The mans conscience it was pricked.
He went back down the stairs,
determined to be helpful
"I shall answer this mans prayer."
He opened up his door
and shouted to the dark.
"Do you still need a push?"
"I disregard my last remark."
"Yes please."Came a voice.
"That would be oh so nice,
if you could give a push,
help start this damn device."
"Sorry that it is raining,
and I know that I am drunk,
but if I don"t get a good push
I know that I"ll be sunk!"
"Where are you?" Asks the man,
and my presence I shall bring."
"Over here."Replys the drunk...
"I"m sitting on your swing!!
Shots served by Anthony’s Weiner
Are wrong and reflect bad demeanor
These tweets indiscrete
His wife Uma did cheat
And she'll take him to the cleaner
Author's note: My wife and I were talking about the fact that the congressman needs to feel
as though he is loved by many women. This is likely because he suffers from low self
esteem. A problem from childhood that was never addressed--just undressed.
If you could leave behind a time capsule
What kind of things would it hold
It could be something brand spanking new
But to them, it would still be old
Would it be some kind of music?
Maybe your favorite song?
Not any of that beatnik stuff
Well, cause, that would just be wrong
What about a photograph?
You know, like Marilyn Monroe
Wait, I'm only kidding
My wife done told me "No"
Not to change the subject
But I've got a question to ask real fast
If you're walking, while looking in a mirror
Does it mean you can see the past?
Sorry, I don't know where that came from
I won't let it happen anymore
Now, getting back to the time capsule
You know, what we were talking about before?
Maybe, leave them something scary
Like a picture of my mother-in-law
I wouldn't do that to my worst enemy
And to them I didn't know least of all
Well, I'm sure you'll think of something
That you would want to leave behind
My wife said I couldn't participate
Cause, there's no telling what they'll find
Keeping a Secret
By Elton Camp
Whatever you tell me will assuredly be secure.
That I might spread it around you need not fear.
No matter what the temptation, my lips are sealed.
Your deepest, darkest secret will never be revealed.
Oh, so you took your blond-haired secretary out a date?
With her looks, I can see why your wife would be irate.
I’ve noticed how she dresses when at work.
It’s easy to see why she’d drive you berserk.
You didn’t do something really vile.
At least it seems she’s not with child.
As long as you never take her out again,
There’s no reason your marriage need end.
It’s best to give your secretary the axe.
With her out of the way, you can relax.
Take my good advice and never tell a soul.
It’ll never be learned by your wife Nicole.
Keeping quiet was easy enough for a while,
But when I thought of it, I’d have to smile.
He won’t object if I only tell my wife.
We share everything we learn in life.
So I told it to her and she didn’t stop
Until she reached the old beauty shop.
“Hey, girls, while Sue’s fixing your hair
I have some juicy gossip I want to share.”
It was heard by a half a dozen.
And one was Nicole’s cousin.
Such treachery she couldn’t abet.
Nicole learned it before the sun set.
The result then, of course,
A messy and angry divorce.
Remember what Benjamin Franklin said:
“Three can keep a secret if two are dead.”
My wife says I need glasses
But I don't think I do
Cause I fed that monkey a banana
One evening at the zoo
She said, "You know that's not a monkey"
But I would disagree
She said, "You knew that was my mama"
Well, it looked like a monkey to me
I can see as good as always
And I don't bump into the wall
I only got lost a couple of times
While walking down the hall
Things might be a little blurry
I just need a little sleep
So don't worry about these peepers
They still have plenty of peep
I still see that hairy monkey
I just act like it's not there
My wife still says it's her mama
Underneath that monkey hair
Keno Baby
My wife and I liked to play keno
Just about every weekend we would go
She was pregnant and due any day
Over an hour’s ride each way
Other players would say
Your going to give birth today
We got home and went to bed
It’s that time my wife had said
Her water broke on the floor
Our first was born in nineteen sixty four
It was almost a maybe
That we had a keno baby
I snuck to the fridge to eat a bite
Ever so quietly late at night
I couldn't see where to go
I screamed when I stumped my toe
My wife called the cops then turned on the light
They sent a cop that kicked in my door
Threw me and my wife both on the floor
I had embarrassed us both
That cop ate my wife's meatloaf
And now I'm hungry and my toe is sore
The ministers wife was annoyed,
When he a young miss had decoyed.
"But," said the preacher,
"I'm trying to teach her
The practices she must avoid!"
Written by my wife Vera Selena Hinshaw
© All Rights Reserved
My wife asked me to do the shopping
Then handed me a grocery list
It wasn't very big just some household stuff
And some other things that she had missed
"Piece of cake," I told my wife
And out the door I went
She yelled, "Don't forget to get a receipt,
So I can see how much you spent"
I got to the market and headed for the milk
It wasn't on the list per se
But being the man who knew what he wanted
I thought I'd get it anyway
Then I strolled on over to the frozen meat
And pick up some T-bone steaks
Again, the list didn't have it written down
Just another one of her mistakes
I had to get some snacks for the football game
Cause a man can't have enough
I didn't check the list to see if it was there
Cause I was busy doing other stuff
Before I knew it the buggy was full
Okay, maybe there were three
But look at all this stuff I got
She'd be so proud of me
Nine hundred dollars and fifteen cents
And man my wife was pissed
I spent a whole months budget in twenty-five minutes
And didn't buy a thing from the list
I..................
Caught...............
My wife cheating...................
It had crossed my mind, should I give her a beating?
Instead, I sat on the edge of the bed,
Silence choked the room as nothing was said.
I stared at her, through the cheating, beauty I see,
She never dolled herself up like this for me.
She had her wooden eye in her head,
She looked quiet cute sprawled on the bed.
With lipstick smudged on her face,
In laddered stockings and torn black and white lace.
I thought she was about to speak but she played the mouth organ
I said, “You drunk cow, how could you cheat on me with Captain Morgan.
Ok she wasn’t drunk, she was very merry
And to top it off, under the covers was Ben and Jerry.
Now life’s pleasures, some are tall while others small,
But for me my friends I have a curse, a wife that will eat and drink’em all
Finally, if you thought it would turn out dirty, you will find,
It’s not in mine, but your dirty mind.
My beloved wife didn't have one baby, she had five instead.
I should've used a condom that night when we were in bed.
Everybody says that my babies are a wonderful gift and that I've been blessed.
But when I saw the hospital bill after they were born, I became seriously depressed.
I don't see any peace at home, my babies sure do know how to cry.
They've drank so much milk that they've sucked my wife's **** dry.
My wife wants them to get a good education so that they'll gain knowledge.
But I'll have to hold down four jobs just to be able to send them to college.
I love all of my five babies but I don't like the situation that I'm in.
I'm going to scream because I just learned that she's pregnant again.
(THIS IS A FICTIONAL POEM.)
ERNIE’S DOGGIE DELIMMA
,
THIS IS THE STORY OF ERNIE,
A WIENER DOG BREEDER HE WOULD BE,
SO HE BOUGHT HIS FIRST DOG FOR A HUNDRED BUCKS,
AND GAVE HIM THE NAME DOOGIE.
HE SAID TO HIS WIFE I HAVE AN IDEA,
TO MAKE MONEY BEYOND COMPARE,
SO ERNIE BOUGHT DOOGIE A FEMALE,
SO DOOGIE HIS LOVE HE COULD SHARE.
SO SNUGGLES THE FEMALE GOT PREGNANT,
AND I HAD DOLLAR SIGNS IN MY EYES,
BUT THEY WERE SO CUTE WHEN THEY WERE BORN,
MY WIFE COULDN’T SELL THEM TO MY SURPRISE.
AT FIRST I OWNED TWO NOW I OWN FOUR,
THEN DOOGIE DID IT ONCE MORE,
SO NOW I OWN FIVE,
AND YES I AM WIENEE DOG POOR.
NO MORE, NO MORE THE DECISION WAS MADE,
I HAD THEM ALL NUTERED,
I HAD THEM ALL SPAYED,
WITH MY POCKETS ALL EMPTY,
I CAN’T PAY MY DEBTS,
CAUSE ALL OF MY MONEY BELONGS TO THE VETS.