Long Funnywife Poems
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A memory is found in the back of my mind
That I thought was stored away
It's creeping back in, without my approval
Oh why would it treat me this way
I keep thinking about that bean juice
But it's not what you people may think
Get your minds out of that smelly gutter
For it has nothing to do with the stink
See, we were singing at this fundraiser
Kind of an all you can eat buffet
What happened next was a nightmare
And I keep trying to forget that day
As I went down the line, with plate in hand
The soup beans were all I could see
Since my mother died, the beans were scarce
For my wife wouldn't make them for me
My plate was full, as my heart leapt with joy
From this promising prize that I'd found
I know what you're thinking so stop it!
It has nothing to do with that sound
The place that I'd chosen to sample this treat
Was packed like a can of sardines
But I was in a hurry to find my seat
So I could get to those wonderful beans
At the front of the table sit a famous guest
A popular radio D J
Though try as I might the path was too tight
As my bean juice had found his toupee
Now with beans in my plate and egg on my face
I had only myself to blame
For three beans with juice sat on top of his head
As my wife hid her poor face in shame
I mean what could I say to comfort this man
As my meal sat on top of his head
So I just bit my tongue and walked away
And hoped he didn't notice instead
Well my guilt would get the best of me
As I approached him later that day
I reach for his hand, and say I'm sorry my friend
For I've spilled bean juice on top your toupee
Well, the man wasn't happy to say the least
And I really can't blame him at all
For I'm stuck in this slow motion memory
As I watching that bean juice fall
Well, that's my story and all of it's true
Maybe one day that memory will pass
See, I told you this story was not what you thought
For it had nothing to do with gas
A man and his wife are awakened,
loud pounding on their front door.
It is three o"clock in the morning,
what on earth is this uproar!
The man goes down his stairs
puts on his outside light,
opens up his door
and looks out in the night.
There stands a drunken stranger,
soaking wet with rain.
"What the heck do you want?"
"You really are a pain."
"So sorry I"ve to bother you,
but you see I need a push,
just cant keep my feet,
keep falling on my tush."
"What!"Exclaims the man.
"You must be off your head,
it is three o"clock in the morning
I am going back to bed."
With that he slams the door
and goes back to his bed,
cursing and a swearing loud
wishing this stranger dead.
"Who on earth was that?"
His good lady she did ask.
"A drunk guy wants a push,
but I soon took him to task!"
"Oh come on "She says.
"Give the guy a break,
go back down and help,
God says don"t forsake."
"Remember we once broke down,
we were full of doubt,
worried what to do
then two men they helped us out."
His wife went off on one
she really hit free flow,
"God loves drunk people too!"
Of that he ought to know.
The mans conscience it was pricked.
He went back down the stairs,
determined to be helpful
"I shall answer this mans prayer."
He opened up his door
and shouted to the dark.
"Do you still need a push?"
"I disregard my last remark."
"Yes please."Came a voice.
"That would be oh so nice,
if you could give a push,
help start this damn device."
"Sorry that it is raining,
and I know that I am drunk,
but if I don"t get a good push
I know that I"ll be sunk!"
"Where are you?" Asks the man,
and my presence I shall bring."
"Over here."Replys the drunk...
"I"m sitting on your swing!!
Keeping a Secret
By Elton Camp
Whatever you tell me will assuredly be secure.
That I might spread it around you need not fear.
No matter what the temptation, my lips are sealed.
Your deepest, darkest secret will never be revealed.
Oh, so you took your blond-haired secretary out a date?
With her looks, I can see why your wife would be irate.
I’ve noticed how she dresses when at work.
It’s easy to see why she’d drive you berserk.
You didn’t do something really vile.
At least it seems she’s not with child.
As long as you never take her out again,
There’s no reason your marriage need end.
It’s best to give your secretary the axe.
With her out of the way, you can relax.
Take my good advice and never tell a soul.
It’ll never be learned by your wife Nicole.
Keeping quiet was easy enough for a while,
But when I thought of it, I’d have to smile.
He won’t object if I only tell my wife.
We share everything we learn in life.
So I told it to her and she didn’t stop
Until she reached the old beauty shop.
“Hey, girls, while Sue’s fixing your hair
I have some juicy gossip I want to share.”
It was heard by a half a dozen.
And one was Nicole’s cousin.
Such treachery she couldn’t abet.
Nicole learned it before the sun set.
The result then, of course,
A messy and angry divorce.
Remember what Benjamin Franklin said:
“Three can keep a secret if two are dead.”
Valentine's Day is dead to me
Now It cuts me like a knife
See, February the fourteenth
Was the day, Cupid stole my wife
I told my wife how special she was
With flowers and candy in hand
She replied, "Yeah okay whatever"
And I really didn't understand
I thought I left the toilet seat up
Or said her mom was fat in my sleep
I tried to ask her what I did
But she just wouldn't utter a peep
Then out of the blue, I noticed
A tiny arrow had pierced her heart
I knew it was that love fairy
That had torn our marriage apart
She said," I'm sorry I just can't help it,
I love that little dude with wings,
He makes me feel alive inside,
With all the happiness he brings"
"He even likes to watch chick flicks
What more can a woman ask?"
I knew I couldn't compete with that
For It was just too great a task
Well, the days went by like minutes
Til one day, when I came home
Our bank account had been cleaned out
And I found myself alone
I still see them every now and then
And now Cupid has even grown a beard
My wife was always partial to those
So it turned out just like I'd feared
Don't worry about me, I got my revenge
I'm dating Mother Nature and never feel no pain
For everytime, they leave their house
She always makes it rain
Valentine's Day is dead to me
Now It cuts me like a knife
See, February the fourteenth
Was the day, Cupid stole my wife
I told my wife how special she was
With flowers and candy in hand
She replied, "Yeah okay whatever"
And I really didn't understand
I thought I left the toilet seat up
Or said her mom was fat in my sleep
I tried to ask her what I did
But she just wouldn't utter a peep
Then out of the blue, I noticed
A tiny arrow had pierced her heart
I knew it was that love fairy
That had torn our marriage apart
She said," I'm sorry I just can't help it,
I love that little dude with wings,
He makes me feel alive inside,
With all the happiness he brings"
"He even likes to watch chick flicks
What more can a woman ask?"
I knew I couldn't compete with that
For It was just too great a task
Well, the days went by like minutes
Til one day, when I came home
Our bank account had been cleaned out
And I found myself alone
I still see them every now and then
And now Cupid has even grown a beard
My wife was always partial to those
So it turned out just like I'd feared
Don't worry about me, I got my revenge
I'm dating Mother Nature and never feel no pain
For everytime, they leave their house
She always makes it rain
While driving down a country road
One dark and lonely night
My engine began to spit and sputter
From a strange and mysterious light
I saw this little green spaceman
With antennas on his head
He was standing beside my window
And this is what he said
"Take me to your leader,
Or we will end your life"
So I did exactly what he said
And I took him to my wife
When I got home my wife was mad
And asked me where I've been
I told her about my crazy night
And about those little green men
She asked if I'd been drinking
And I don't drink a drop
About that time that spaceman yelled,
"Okay now, everybody stop"
Now my wife was really pissed
And said, "Who do you think you are?"
She grabbed him by his spaceman ear
And drug him from that car
Now, there she was in curlers
With that spaceman by his ear
I think he might have peed himself
As he stood there in all his fear
Now you may not believe my story
But I've got a souvenir
When they beamed that spaceman back to his ship
My wife held on to his ear
So if you ever see a UFO
Don't scream and run for your life
Just take him to your leader
And by leader I mean, my wife
Jonah invented the whale
The first man ever to sail
He went round the globe
In his best Sunday robe
His invention was destined to fail
For Noah had plans for an ark
It’s construction no walk in the park
It took a few years
Some blood sweat and tears
But finally Noah made his mark
His wife tried most every ruse
To convince him to go for a cruise
He said, “I’ve been told
To fill up the hold
With gerbils and bush kangaroos”
They brought on the creatures in pairs
The rhinos and hippos downstairs
But space was so tight
Some put up a fight
Especially the grizzly bears
When the rains came the ark was a float
And Noah, on the bridge he did gloat
Saying “didn’t I say?
It would happen one day”
Said his wife “I could rip out his throat,
This is not what most folk call cruising
With gorillas and lemmings and ewes in
My cabin at night
It just isn’t right
I don’t find it very amusing”
So Noah’s wife concocted a plot
To scupper her hubbys new yacht
With her turn at the wheel
Her nerves she did steel
And crashed into Mount Ararot
There's nothing funny about flatuence
My wife has it all the time
Course she always blames it on me
And I'll always say, yes dear, it's mine
The worst time, is on those cold nights
With the covers pulled over my head
The sweet aroma of, "What in the world was that?"
It drives me right out of my bed
Now I'm not saying that it's stinky
Okay, yes I am
I even got her beano for Christmas
Well, cause, I'm just that kind of man
Now see, everytime that it happens
Her and my dog, point at each other
Then the dog puts a pillow over his face
Til I think he will surely smother
(Whispers) Wait just a minute, my wife walked in
I can't let her see what I'm writing
Cause if she knows that I told you
Then the rest of the night we'll be fighting
Okay, she's gone, anyway she's stinky
Flatuence, has got to be a sin
For there's always something evil
That seeping out of her rear end
Now, I have literally tried everything
And I don't know what else to do
I love her, so I guess I'll accept it
While holding my nose and saying "Shoo"
My wife brought home a little man
He really doesn't talk very much
He mostly cries and sucks his thumb
And he poops a lot and such
A lot of times he just stares at me
Well, I cant just let him win
So I stare him down, til he's crosseyed
With drool running down his chin
He wears this thing called a diaper
You know, like speedos for a little dude
Everytime I tell him to put on some clothes
My wife says, "Quit being rude"
He drinks his milk from a bottle
I tell him to grow up, and be a man
So I hurry and finish my rootbeer
To show him I can crush a can
I told my wife he's not much of a man
He can't even grow a beard
Then I caught them playing patty cakes
The one thing that I've always feared
So I finally accused my wife of cheating
She said, "You idiot this is your child"
I said, "I knew that, do you think I'm stupid?"
She didn't answer, she just sit there and smiled
Well, I finally grew accustomed to his face
And it just couldn't be any finer
As long as he puts some clothes on
And stays out of my recliner
My wife brought home a little man
He really doesn't talk very much
He mostly cries and sucks his thumb
And he poops a lot and such
A lot of times he just stares at me
Well, I cant just let him win
So I stare him down, til he's crosseyed
With drool running down his chin
He wears this thing called a diaper
You know, like speedos for a little dude
Everytime I tell him to put on some clothes
My wife says, "Quit being rude"
He drinks his milk from a bottle
I tell him to grow up, and be a man
So I hurry and finish my rootbeer
To show him I can crush a can
I told my wife he's not much of a man
He can't even grow a beard
Then I caught them playing patty cakes
The one thing that I've always feared
So I finally accused my wife of cheating
She said, "You idiot this is your child"
I said, "I knew that, do you think I'm stupid?"
She didn't answer, she just sit there and smiled
Well, I finally grew accustomed to his face
And it just couldn't be any finer
As long as he puts some clothes on
And stays out of my recliner