Twas the night before my cousin's
wedding
He reluctantly gave in to the
bachelor party vetting
A burlesque, tawdry strip club was
the setting
Unbeknownst to him, the bridesmaid
was his appetite whetting
With gratuitous lap dance, began
the ribald feting
In drunken stupor, the enamored
groom his fealty forgetting
Released his inhibitions all of his
clingy garments shedding
Strode platform, in sync with
bridesmaids erotic moves duetting
In tantric rhapsody, she released
pheromones his testosterone
subletting
Enraptured with his riposte jaunts,
her matrimonial bond shredding
The enamored bridesmaid with lust
his bare essentials began petting
His betrothed parts to her
dominatrix will indebting
As the groom climaxed, his phallus
got entangled in her fish netting
Two truant souls now writhing;
spent body parts bloodletting
Dislodging their carnal chains, into
frothy night jetting
To hotel that lodged devoted bride;
their remaining passions bedding
Lurid, tawdry tryst not regretting;
but o'er bawdy exhibition sweating
Wedding contest
September 14, 2012
A Town Too Small
By Elton Camp
Bugville’s city charter should be eliminated
Because it is far too small to be incorporated
The mayor is also the town’s garbage collector
Plus also serving as the local building inspector
City council meets in back of the general store
With little business, they seldom do it anymore
The town’s only lawyer was disbarred years ago
It’s okay, because to him there’s no reason to go
Old doctor Jenkins provides family health care,
If you should die, then he’s the one who’s there
Doctor and undertaker a conflict may seem to be
But however a case turns out, he’ll win you see
Just one policeman patrols little Bugville town
For expenses, not enough speeders come around
Therefore, in order for some extra revenue to raise,
The chief is a cop by night and runs a taxi by days
The only café doesn’t serve very many hot meals
As a slide line, it also carries some buggy wheels
And if it is from Bugville any tourist doesn’t hail
The only place he can spend the night is city jail
How can this be you ask
with over a hundred channels to chose from
at any given time
right at your fingertips
If I had back all the minutes
that have turned into hours
surfing night after night trying to find
one program of substance to hold
my attention more than the length
of its commercial advertisements
I could do something more constructive
than catch snippets of a sappy movie of the week
how to make money in less that sixty seconds
watch ex-television stars battle for a new job
reruns of the dying daytime soaps
the reality of having five, six, or eight children
As bored as I am, it seems like today’s entertainment
click by click has at least enabled me to participate in
and enjoy the daily gathering at the water cooler
Shani Fassbender
Have you ever had one of those days,
When nothing goes your way?
And the night is long with noises
Please don't tell my wife what I'm about to say
You see my wife snores
More than anyone I know
She even shakes the bed at night
Like a herd of buffalo
Sometimes the people next door
Will even call and complain
They say they just can't stand it anymore
And it's driving them insane
I've tried everything I know
But all I do is fail
She even registers a 4.0
On the earthquake richter scale
One night I even tried duct tape
And wondered what would happen
She just laid there and kept on snoring
'Til the duct tape started flappin'
I even tried some super glue
On her lips to make them close
Until I heard that horrible noise
Like a trumpet got stuck in her nose
Well, I guess I'll always love her
And learn to live with this curse
I'm just glad it's not the other end
'Cause the smell would make it even worse
Remember when fat boy Chris Farley
Competed against Patrick Swayze
On Saturday Night Live
Judges couldn’t decide
Picking one dancer made them crazy
In the end it’s Swayze who prevailed
Farley’s dancing career was curtailed
When he danced, his belly
Shook like tubs of jelly
As an erotic dancer he failed
After a great deal of strong debate
The judges gave it to Farley straight
“You’re not as good looking,
It’s Patrick we’re booking,
He dances best and you’re no lightweight.”
There was an old episode of Saturday Night Live where Chris Farley and Patrick
Swayze competed to see if they could make an all-male dance team. It was
hilarious watching Farley trying to dance.
Entry for Miranda Lambert’s “burlesque” contest
She sits at home, night after night all alone
At her spinning wheel, spinning her web
Trying to catch Daddy Long Legs when he is late coming home
Last night I glimpsed a pretty limerick crudely scrawled upon a tiled wall,
in the lavatory of my favorite bar.
It was very funny,
definitely dirty,
and classy in a back-alley sort of way.
Anyway,
I finished reading it and chuckled lightly while sitting in the stall.
I realized that since I was carrying a pen,
it would be wrong not to write something in response to the bawdy poem.
So, while I finished my business I pondered what to write.
It wasn't too long before it hit me like a fist.
You see,
I had been oogling a sexy bartender all night long,
her short skirt and low cut top provoking my chemicals en masse,
And observe!
low on her left buttock and just visible when she bent over to get me another drink,
I beheld a tatto of Tigger from Whinnie the Pooh.
Surely such a beauty is worthy of tribute.
And so,
still sitting,
I uncapped my pen and wrote as a footnote for all to see:
'Here There Be Tygers'
The dew is on the pumpkin ,
and the moon is high and bright
I just hope when I return,
I dont see any pumpkins smashed on my lawn tonight.........
Halloween is special to me , in a spooky kind of way,
Love to rev up my broom and see them all running away.......
It humors me, all the screams and scary sounds in the night,
to see the terror in all the lil faces, makes me laugh with true delight..........
Fright night is my favorite night of the year,
I get a little tickle if I even see some tears......
So I'm revving up my trusty broom ,
to go a hunting by moonlight
Hopefully I will get more than just candy bags tonight......
I'm hoping to swoop down on a small child or two,
and if you arent very careful ,
I might even get to YOU.........
I am generally a happy witch if you havent figured this out,
But my cauldrin is a boilin,
Now I must be getting out......
Look out all you ghosts and lil goblins too,
Im comming after you...........!!!!
Got a wild hair and found a younger woman
did I.
Took a trip oh howtime did fly.
I wake up she already ran three miles.
Going eighty down the interstate.
she's doing more than playing
with the dials.
Last night in the sack.
She turned into a gymnast and
almost broke my back.
Now im looking through the phone book
begging her ex boyfriend to take up the slack.
If there ever was a foutian of youth I wish
sombody would pour me a cup.
Cause im having a hell of a time keepin up.
For the first time I gotta chick askin hey you
asleep?
Gonna change my name to Dracula
with the hours I keep.
Took her to the track and she out ran a horse.
Some guy looked to me and asked.
You gonna take her to the derby?
To which I replied of course.
One night she asked wouldnt this be great to do forever?
Hit the ground running.
Saying baby I gotta check the weather.
You know this old dog just aint no young
pup.
I might be on oxygen and in a electric wheelchair.
But im keepin up.
Smashing bottles, making chairs fly,
nights like this he gets really high,
quaffing down his last, cold bitter,
wishing he were Schwarzenegger.
But, at once, his raging chills down
as he sees the big bouncer's frown,
bluntly reminding him about
how last night that brute kicked him out
into the street like a doormat
for no reason other than that
he smooched the sweet songstress' chin,
thought he could take her for a spin.
How her songs spiced up his night life,
but then she was the bouncer's wife;
now he starts to sway and stagger,
dreaming he were Schwarzenegger!