Crapped Poems

And The Cat Crept In

Motion-activated caught on camera
while cookies for the kids I was cooking
a collared cat crept into the kitchen
when I stepped outside and wasn't looking
his potty break was well-timed
as, sadly, I'd left the door unlocked
onto the counter by the sink he climbed
bared his butt and crapped in the crock
tho' he gave new meaning
to vanilla chocolate chip
if I ever collar him doing it again
his mangy tail end I'll severely whip
as, if he wants nine lives to live
he'd really best think twice
or he'll sleep with the fishes
(not eat them)
as such behaviour is just not nice

That's A Lot Of Crap

Release the hounds

Call out the guard 

Some simple fool

Crapped in my yard 

Oh woe is me

Oh heavy sigh

Look at this poo

Piled a mile high 

No words will help 

No song be sung

Just tell me now

Who flung the dung

Old Man Blues

The Old Man has never
walked on the Moon
but he has crapped his pants
and he has puked on his wife's shoes
but after drinking a bottle of whiskey
The Old Man killed it when he played the blues.

A Dog Got Into My Brain

The moon was big and lit-up,
so of course, some local dog
was barking like crazy.

I got up, it was half past the tic of time
and way deeper than any sunken face.

I was a little wasted;
I get mad at such times
when the night cracks open in my head.

Outside, the backyard was fractured by silence
and an unpredictable yammer of sound.

A full-on moonlight had crapped shadows
all over the place.

I yelled pointlessly at the splintered sky
both sky and dog seemed to listen,
then the mutt yanked-up the volume
and really began to howl
I guess it was upset.

Back inside I turned on the laptop
and quietly typed out a lot of
bold, loud expletives -
perhaps considering
it better
not to disturb any more dead-eyed gods.

Imagining Dragons

For fun we played a mind-game,
deciding to imagine a perfect dragon.

She put together a plump pink dragon
that blew rainbow bubbles
and smelled of minty chewing gum.

Mine was an iridescent cockatrice,
a spiny feathered serpent that vomited hydrogen Sulfide
coating all with the stench of rotting eggs.

“Ugh!” She cried!

Then I added
that already her dragon had been eaten by killer fairies.

“Pig, you crapped on my cute dragon!”

I may be sleeping on the couch tonight.

Tumpty Dumpty

Trumpty dumpty built his great wall
                                                 Trumpty dumpty crapped on us all
                                                 All of his felons and all their men 
                                                 given a second term will betray us again.

Jealousy

She pointed her eyes at the photo 
and squelched my hopes with just four words 
"good luck with that"
I was planning on turning it into a masterpiece 
but she made it look like I had  just crapped on it 
 Too bad I didn't see her shade of green,        
nor how she was so mean.

I Wished I Had Stayed In Bed

Isn’t there just days you wished you had stayed in bed
I went to the shops, and a seagull crapped on my head
 
Everyone laughing saying you know it means good luck 
Not quite what I thought, as trying to remove the muck

Yeah, Lordy, how I wished I had stayed in bed

Roll the Dice

Roll the dice now...
hope for six, not a seven.
Crapped out, snake eyes!

Bitten

When I get fresh, my dates usually hit me.
But last night I dated a woman who bit me.
I didn't understand until today why people fear her.
I was going to shave but I had no reflection in the mirror.
Women never go out on a second date with me when they learn I'm a dud. 
But now instead of wanting to score with women, I want to suck their blood.
I have grown fangs and I'm facing a crisis that is dire.
I went out with a lady who turned me into a vampire.
When I looked in the mirror, I nearly crapped my pants.
I wanted to score with a woman but now I have no chance.
Women in this town don't want a man like me, they want men who are studs.
People had better lock their doors at night because I will be looking for blood.
I don't want to live forever but a vampire usually never dies.
But I'm going to expose myself to sunlight and bring about my demise.

Flippant Foul Fowls

Most birds like to flock together
I wish to know now, where they are
I'd like to hold them and squeeze them
Since they crapped all over my car!

One for sure, I'd like to secure
It's forced expulsion was inclined
To smear my drivers side window
Left behind, what left it's behind! 

Another foul fowl on my list
I'd like to have in my clutches 
Smacked my windshield so deftly
It landed where no wiper touches!

But my enemy number one
Squeezed a bomb off with no concerns
It scored a hit on my bald head
That forced me to yell, "Ow it burns!"

Something Happened

We once were discerning,
we once had opinions.
But then we stopped learning,
and turned into minions.

One day, something happened.
We can’t tell you when.
One day we got crapped on,
and ceased to be men.

There once was a telly
whose end-word was “vision”,
Vidal and Minelli.
Who took the decision?

No, let’s not put Gore on.
Don’t fear their begrudgement.
They’re all total morons:
they don’t have no judgment.

Let’s just give them Fonzie
in suicide combat,
and re-run Beyoncé
in Dances With Wombats.

And once, public service
meant serving the voters:
now they get nervous
when pleasing promoters.

I’m sure I remember
a time before Mammon,
when decency’s embers
did not come with jam on.

Then one day it altered,
I can’t tell you how,
but honesty faltered –
and look at us now.

Civilized Land

Now doc assured Cindy that all would be fine
and finished the abortion at a quarter to nine.
The partial birth process was a total success
and as Cindy recovered, they disposed of the mess.
By one O’clock doc had a wood in his hands
and drove down the fairway in a civilized land.

Bill was a businessman of imported goods
that he sold to the junkies in his neighborhood.
All sales were final as Ben realized
when he shot up the load, flickered and died.
By this time Bill had a drink in his hand,
extremely uptown in a civilized land.

Brett talked finances and the future to Sue
she invested, retired then wanted her due.
But the money was gone and so was Brett
So with an overdose Sue canceled her debt.
And Brett was in Vegas, dice in his hand,
when Sue crapped out in a civilized land.

Now, the eyes of the world are all focused here
at the cities and streets filled with blood and with tears.
At all of the grief and at all of the pain
that somehow never seems to get explained.
But if you were to ask for a show of hands
millions would flee to this civilized land.

Cheese and Whine

I despair when I’ve stepped in dog poo
Excrement on the sole of my shoe
It would be indiscreet
If I crapped in the street
I wish doggies would use a pooch loo!

I mowed the grass but now feel forlorn
I see cat poo all over my lawn
My neighbour’s pussy
Is so darn fussy ...
It's just my lawn that he treats with scorn!

Here’s my whine now pass the Cheese Contest
Sponsored by Phillip Garcia

08~01~16

Bombs Away

Bird aloft in the sky
soaring on majestic wings, 
he crapped on my car

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