Best Crapped Poems
Slam Slam
What’s with all the rants!! The Slams!!!
Why is everyone so pissed!!
What was it that I missed??
So – Some ******* cut you off,
Banged a left, ran the stop.
The neighbors dog crapped on your lawn,
Those squawking birds at crack of dawn.
Am I just nature’s freakin’ pawn?
Egg yoke broken, - milk gone bad
Toast is burnt – How very sad.
One shoe loose - the other tight
I’m always wrong – she’s never right.
I play the freakin’ lottery
In hope the STATE will rescue me.
One question troubles saint and sinner..
I wonder what the hell’s for dinner?
So rumble through your raucous rant
Scream and vent until you pant.
If you don’t like the way the plan it
Grab mike or pen -
And Freakin’ SLAM it!!!!!
John G. Lawless
5/22/2014
Categories:
crapped, humor, slam,
Form:
Rhyme
I despair when I’ve stepped in dog poo
Excrement on the sole of my shoe
It would be indiscreet
If I crapped in the street
I wish doggies would use a pooch loo!
I mowed the grass but now feel forlorn
I see cat poo all over my lawn
My neighbour’s pussy
Is so darn fussy ...
It's just my lawn that he treats with scorn!
Here’s my whine now pass the Cheese Contest
Sponsored by Phillip Garcia
08~01~16
Categories:
crapped, anger, humorous, pets,
Form:
Limerick
I'm the Man
my teeth are yellow
try not to bellow
My hair is nasty
I'm a little sassy
i think i'm trapped
oops i just crapped
I love your mom
his name is tom
i love your sis
his name is chris
I like touching my legs
and eating scrambled eggs
i like taking naps
but i hate my grandpa paps
i'm going to bed
but i want some bread
so i hit it with my head
I don't need it anyway
I'm not going to stay
i'm moving to spain
I own a great dane
I'm going to go take a bath
because I got dirty in math
I'm sorry i just got bored
and i hit my arm with a cord
I'm just gonna throw myself in the trash can
Because i'm the man
I can't afford water because its free
so i drink glasses of tea
I've started to enjoy checking out dolphins
So i killed one and stuffed it in a coffin
Because i'm the Man
Categories:
crapped, butterfly, children, cute love,
Form:
Free verse
Amelia she loves to chat and tells an amusing story
But dear readers BEWARE – this one’s a little gory
She worked long hours at night as a barmaid
It was a job she loved and good wages she got paid
She’d had a busy day and her pits were a little whiffy
So she had a little bath – it would only take a jiffy
So into the bath Amelia got, she sank into the bubbles
But this was only the beginning of Amelia’s troubles
Amelia did a little fart but unfortunately followed through
And in the bath was floating a little bit of poo
Amelia got out quickly and left the bath to drain
But unbeknown to her the turd it did remain
She got dressed and ready to go - she had to get her lift
To the pub she loved to work in she always enjoyed her shift
With the customers Amelia was always a big hit
She didn’t let on her secret that in the bath she’d done a little poop*
But it was a Wednesday night and a quiz was on this day
Amelia she loved this challenge and she would always play
The final question stumped many people but they wanted to be the winner
Which barmaid crapped in the bath tonight and could they name the sinner?
The one in the white t-shirt some of the customers did shout
Amelia went as red as a beetroot- she couldn’t wait to get out
But the customers they did shout and cheer
And poor Amelia had to pour them another beer
Now Amelia no longer works in the bar
She works as a receptionist – she’s really come far
She loves her new job and always likes to talk
But to stop her following through now she always wears a cork.
· I had to change this from the S*** word as I know swearing is not allowed – but the expletive does make the poem flow better.
Jan Allison
19th March 2014
~submitted for contest Take 2 Free poetry contest sponsored by Nette Onclaud ~
- Unplaced in contest 'tickle my funny bone' sponsored by Francine Roberts ~
~ Please see notes about this poem ~
Categories:
crapped, funny,
Form:
Rhyme
Black women in America,
let the sterile tabulating machine
tally your vociferous views
Loud women pridefully possessing
the highest voting demographics in the amber land
Have your passions changed America’s
cruel grain racial oppression ...
Are your males still getting brutally beaten and killed?
Did your strong vocal pleas
get heard by your Egyptian queen of heaven?
Such burning Pharaohic desires
you have for your flesh-and-bone idols
Will your queen of heaven
make the earth shake up the superior attitude
the pyramid clouds have towards you and your children?
Can your queen of heaven
bosom vibrate a gushing Milky Way,
which will break the levee of hate that’s dam drowning
you and your weak, cuckold men and chalk-face erased children?
Guess your queen of heaven
is waiting on her four-year period again
To cast another bloody ballot
for your next new favorite lying politician
Black women in America,
which serpent did your queen of heaven send
to do the lip-service saving?
Whose bifurcated tongue
does she demands your freewill to knee bend
Dark spirit women,
you and your beggarly men,
go kiss the queen of heaven’s colored cloth
freshly wiped on her celestial rear end
Let your doting, voting lips reek of rejection —
demo-crapped on once more again
As your faith in man be smeared like dung
over your sun-darkened slave skin
Keep on Baal worshiping the queen of heaven,
until holy brimstone rain
melt your idol iron chain souls from existence
Categories:
crapped, spiritual, symbolism, truth, wisdom,
Form:
Dramatic Verse
Foreword...
Of two commonly used pronunciations, this poem uses Dippla-doe-cous.
Originally written as a singy songy thingy to the tune of Supercalifragilistcexpealidocious.
Jurassic Lark.
An optical illusion or a little hocus pocus
I swear I saw a dinosaur, a massive Diplodocus
Then came the Tyrannosaur which seemed the most ferocious
Until I saw the Allosaurus eat the Diplodocus
Triceratops and Stegosaurs begin this second chapter
These are vegetarian, unlike Velociraptor
Two of which pursued my wife, and pretty soon they trapped her
But I got back her wedding ring, cos two days on they crapped her
Some dinosaurs are still alive, there's evidence before us
The tabloid press this morning were quite ready to assure us
That two armed men who robbed the bank cried out as if in chorus
Beat it or we're done for mate cos ARREKONYSAURUS!
While driving home from work one day the traffic all stood still
Word went round a car had hit a P-terodactyl
I snuck along the traffic queue to see it wasn't so
What people thought a pterosaur was Barry Manilow
A stomping sound behind me and I turn so full of fear
I fear I'll see a dino there, I do, and it's so near
I gaze into its gaping jaws, its breath is foul and hot
And so with much bravado, I say My, what big teeth you've...
CRUNCH... GULP...
So now I sit and fester here, inside a Dino gut
I guess it is my destiny to exit through his butt
I can't do much about it so I'll have to live with it
I go to meet my maker as a piece of Dino sh...
Categories:
crapped, history, humor,
Form:
Rhyme
Bird aloft in the sky
soaring on majestic wings,
he crapped on my car
Categories:
crapped, bird, funny,
Form:
Haiku
I was riding a streak with the dice in my fist.
Lady Luck was with me, seemed I couldn’t miss!
Then this babe caught my eye,--I crapped out time and again.
Lady Luck stomped out, when True Love walked in.
I was anchoring third with a pair of aces.
Going for the split, needed tens or faces.
But when ‘you know who’ sat down next to me,
The blackjack dealer dealt a two and a three!
Lady Luck stomped out when True Love walked in.
She gave me that look. I sent her my best grin.
I’m gonna go bust if I see her again.
Lady Luck stomped out when True Love walked in.
I put a dollar chip on every black and red.
Three spins in a row came up zeros instead.
The old croupier said: “Son I’ve seen this before.
You better take that gal to the chapel next door!”
Lady Luck stomped out when True Love walked in.
She gave me that look. I sent her my best grin..
I’m gonna lose my shirt when I see her again.
Lady Luck stomped out when True Love walked in.
I kept the Queen of Hearts and folded all my hands,
And never set foot in a casino again.
When the urge to play overpowers me –
It's Yahtzee, Trouble, and Monopoly.
(To add insult to injury, our kids always win, you know!)
Lady Luck stomped out when True Love walked in.
She gave me that look. I sent her my best grin..
I haven’t won a hand since that fatal day when
Lady Luck stomped out and True Love walked in.
Categories:
crapped, change, games, humor, love,
Form:
Lyric
Another Tale Of Musical Madness...
It was in the early seventies...
My friend and rhythm guitar man,
Mark Trotiner, worked in a well
known musician store in NYC...
Another one of those so rare
"light up the room types"-
He played great rhythm guitar,
Couldn't play a lick of lead,
Sang proudly with an awful voice,
Was the arch-typical Hippie of the 70's,
Knew all about music and bands,
Was friend to Frank Zappa,
Blues Project men, had met Jimmy Page
and countless others, the first
of the Greenwich Village Super Hippies
All the bands knew him...
He could charm your socks off...
Swore till the day he dies,
He inspired Mark Knaufler"s
"Money For Nothing"..
And I'd long learned how
to catch a bullshooter in crap...
Listen to his story....
Wait a good amount of time,
Ask him again about it...
See what has changed...
Repeat this process about
Three times,
You're sure to expose the lie,
I did this to him repeatedly
Over the course of years,
And he passed every test...
(that story itself worthy of
a great work...someday soon...)
However, he was the core figure
In the Grateful Dead Cover Band
I was in...with his guitar player friend,
Mark "Bone" Diaz- 6 foot three,
80 pounds, curly red hair tied back...
Greatest musician I ever played with...
And another anxious singer
with no voice...
Well Mark was always meeting
musicians of various levels...
And so charming, so unassuming
he appeared to be...
He had that aura, like cousin Bill
In all my life, those two still..
Stand out with this gift...
Oh, give me a spoonful of that gift...
And what a boost in my life it would lift
Anyway, (and this happened twice...)
Hope I don't get mixed up...
It's like tossin' them ol' dice...
This band, named "Koala"
Early 70's recording band...
Invited us down, based on Mark's word,
To open a set for them..
At their Bond Street Loft...
We wound up there twice...
Were told to bring naught
but our guitars...
Their equiptment world class...
Now I'll compact these 2 stories
To make my point...
We didn't know what we had
stepped into...
Should'a never entered the joint...
First gig, just like the "Big Day Gig",
All other musicians crapped out
on us at the last minute...
And I wound up doing this job
With Billy, Mark T., a drummer,
and me..
Categories:
crapped, adventure, devotion, music, natural
Form:
Bio
fame,
you *****
it was you who taunted us
we walked
on razor sharp blades
of grass
gras
p
ed
at straws
covered in white dust
inside
on the surface
on the surface
we used the word art
and crapped on it
like so much hay
hey
we did it every day
in every way
without a kiss
we fornicated
on the carpet
where we rehearsed
our play
that was when
well
that was when
we jumped
from the edge
from the cliff
when our bodies
crashed into the rocks
and even a rock garden
punctures
through
the
layers and layers
of skin
of flesh
of tributaries
of bone
layers and layers
of blood
of platelets
of cells
of liquid…life
landed from a hundred yards up.
it was you on my mind
and you know we didn’t die
when we jumped
from our school
from the edge
when our bodies
transcended
matter
like
spirits
and
spirits
was our addiction
the smoke
the pills
the blotters
the powder
you caught my eye
and we
let our schooling
get in the way
of our love
what we loosely
called our art
but i did
fall
i fell hard
the day i spiralled
quickly
d
o
w
n
from the rock
where i stood
and you know
you were
you are
the edge
and you know
it’s you
the day
i fell
you
i fell for
and me who took the fall
from
my
my
my
oh
my
Categories:
crapped, identity, introspection, life, nostalgia,
Form:
Free verse
I slide along the edge of the stream,
Crossing the narrow road leading to it,
Search in the depth of the fussed ocean,
To find the portion reserved for me.
I wander throughout the space,
Tracking the silvery, sparkled stars;
Conspicuously, I've been so exhausted,
My naive heart chose not to surrender!
I interrogate the reflective could,
It points me to the house of obscurity,
I hasten to go to the peaceful spot,
There was not even the shadow of it!
I had even walked out of boundaries,
To know whether which direction it took,
I crapped out an fell on the wrong road.
I, however, was hopeful and undismayed!
Lastly, a quiescent mind appealing me,
Thus, my heart plunges under the ocean,
To strike out the accuracy of the true love,
Meanwhile, I still hope that it will discern it!
Categories:
crapped, hope, imagination, love, nature,
Form:
Free verse
...Sitting in this cell
Laughing at this guard that fell
Nothing else to do but play with the dirt under my nail
Days move slow as snails
Sit ups all day
Push ups every way
1000 lunges
1000 crunches
So much time to think
So much time to blink
Been reading and writing so much there's words on my sink
Man prison air stink
C.O. is a menace
His name is Dennis
Coincidence
In here a different world
A deepr crater
Tensions so dense
Drugs still smuggled in here, it doesn't make sense
Even though it makes cents
Food is so crappy
Lack of sleep so I'm crabby
The barber got stabbed so my hair is nappy
I'll sure be happy
When I win my case
If this is what life serves you, it's an awful taste
I try to keep my distance from hispanics
When they speak latin I start to panic
But they do great tattoos
And airbrush shoes
I'm not due to lack of visits
So my family can take those letters and stick it
Where the sun doesn't shine
Because there are no rays in here
No emotional breakdowns
No sign of fear
I never shed a tear
Even as the guards carry me from my room grinning ear to ear
I notice how we're goin opposite direction of the courtroom
The sign says "electrical chair"
I'm facing my doom
I sit down get strapped up
Constipated now
Stomach crapped up
Last thing I saw was the mayor with her vovacious curves
She pulled the handle and I felt a powerful surge.....
Categories:
crapped, fantasy, imaginationtime, drug,
Form:
Rhyme
Roll the dice now...
hope for six, not a seven.
Crapped out, snake eyes!
Categories:
crapped, games, humorous, nice, poetry,
Form:
Haiku
Now doc assured Cindy that all would be fine
and finished the abortion at a quarter to nine.
The partial birth process was a total success
and as Cindy recovered, they disposed of the mess.
By one O’clock doc had a wood in his hands
and drove down the fairway in a civilized land.
Bill was a businessman of imported goods
that he sold to the junkies in his neighborhood.
All sales were final as Ben realized
when he shot up the load, flickered and died.
By this time Bill had a drink in his hand,
extremely uptown in a civilized land.
Brett talked finances and the future to Sue
she invested, retired then wanted her due.
But the money was gone and so was Brett
So with an overdose Sue canceled her debt.
And Brett was in Vegas, dice in his hand,
when Sue crapped out in a civilized land.
Now, the eyes of the world are all focused here
at the cities and streets filled with blood and with tears.
At all of the grief and at all of the pain
that somehow never seems to get explained.
But if you were to ask for a show of hands
millions would flee to this civilized land.
Categories:
crapped, social,
Form:
Couplet
T'was the night before Christmas
The gifts were all wrapped
When the smell, well...it hit me
Our new puppy had crapped
I knew I could smell it
It was not just a fart
The puppy had dropped one
I awoke with a start
I could hear a slight rustle
As he went to his bed
But, the smell made me nauseous
And it turned my eyes red
I could hear a slight jingle
From the dog tags he wore
It was then that I found it
In the hall, by the door
I had not put on slippers
I had not hit the light
I just hope I could see it
Try as I might
But, as puppy bombs go
this was one for the ages
It had started out loose
And had grown in three stages
My foot found it first
And before I could halt
It was between my toes
And it wasn't his fault
If I'd turned on the light
I'd have seen it, no sweat
But, now, I was hopping
With a foot, brown and wet
I was off to the bathroom
Hopping mad, so to speak
when from out of my bedroom
I heard "What's that reek?"
It was worse than it started
Now, I'd helped it along
It was me, now in trouble
And somehow, that was wrong
Down in the kitchen
I could hear the dog snore
While, I was still hopping
On one foot by the door
My wife, said "go shower"
And clean up the rug
I hopped to the bathroom
And sat down, with a shrug
It was the night before Christmas
I should be out like a log
But, this is my life
Because I own a dog....
Categories:
crapped, 7th grade, animal, christmas,
Form:
Rhyme