Best Shopped Poems
My man was old and battered and was destined for the scrap heap
He’d failed his annual MOT as his many defects ran far too deep
His motor was still running but he had an intermittent fault
He’d nod off when we were making love – (I’d feel a sudden jolt!)
His once full head of blonde gleaming hair
Can be polished, as it now it’s thinning there
With aching joints that my man once trusted
He needed a service as his parts were rusted
So I took him to the used man showroom to see what they could do
They gave him full service to see if his parts they could renew
They said he still had many miles to go and they no longer made this model
But if I had his engine repaired he’d be going at full throttle
The trusty mechanics worked day and night
To ensure that his engine was running just right
They polished his body, now you should see it shine
He’s back to how he was now his motor is just fine!!!
If I’d trawled the showrooms would I want to replace
The one who’d stuck by me and kept a smile on my face
I’ve no wish to trade him in or keep him as a spare
After many years together there’s bound to be wear and tear!
FUN FICTION WRITE FOR THE CONTEST!
IF I SHOPPED FOR MY SPOUSE LIKE I SHOP FOR MY AUTOMOBILE CONTEST
Sponsored by Cindi Rockwell
WHAT THE!!!.........WHO IS THIS???
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'VE BEEN PHOTO SHOPPED???
How could that possibly be?
I only wanted the picture cropped and framed!
You can't really think that looks like me!
When did I become seven feet tall?
My eyes are brown, not Malachite green!
You've made my arms longer than my legs!
Why are my ears the color of Tangerine???
I like to smile but you've given me one
that goes off my face left and right!
And what's up with half of me looking like day,
and the other half looking like night???
You've given me two feet so long
I have to go to an intersection
just to turn around!
And I've never had hair down to my knees!!!
You might as well have let it touch the ground!
You've given me a superhero's upper body
with a waistline the size of a pen!
Oh, come on! Those legs look like two soda straws!
This is one weird looking specimen!!!
The camera was designed to reflect real life
in pictures portraying life as it is!
I don't take selfies every two seconds!!!
What sort of madness is this?
I am not a celebrity
who has to be over concerned with a look!
Please! Put everything back the way it was
for my request you have grossly mistook!
Whatever the world is coming to
some things really need to be stopped!
"You gave me a nose like a battleship anchor!!!"
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'VE BEEN PHOTO SHOPPED???
WTA-IV 5/11/2016
When I shop for an automobile,
I don’t worry much about speed.
Good mileage per gallon I want.
A van or a truck I don’t need!
So I guess if shopped for a spouse
the way that I shop for a car,
that means that my man wouldn’t need
much fuel, but he still could go far!
And since I can’t stand vans and trucks
(preferring a car rather small),
my man, by those very same standards,
would not be too hunky at all.
Neither too slow nor too fast, my man
would be like a Mitsubishi
A Spyder Eclipse, rather cute,
and super efficient for me!
When I shop for an automobile,
looks matter! I love a great hue.
And sporty is nice, but oh my,
what guy in the world is light blue?
And finally this is a must -
I want a convertible top!
Does that mean that men with toupees
are spouses for whom I should shop?
The spouse I have now is not small
nor sporty; his color is grey!
He’s bald, so he’s somewhat a rag-top.
I could purchase for him a toupee!
When all my old cars put on miles,
I always considered a trade-in.
But now that I’m old like my spouse,
I don’t think I’ll go through that again!
If I shopped for my spouse like I shop for my automobile,
I’d be married to SMOKIN' RED HOT woman named Mercedes-
She’d wear black leather suits every day of the year,
and I’d show her off to all the other jealous ladies.
But…
If only my beloved Mercedes came with a button key,
I could turn her off and when I want I’D TURN HER ON!
We could drive zero to sixty in three point five seconds,
it really don’t matter as long as my Mercedes stays blonde!
And…
If she married me like I would marry a CLA-Class Benz,
My mission would have already been completed-
And then when we are on our sacred honeymoon,
ZERO to SIXTY on the beach would have to be repeated!
Finally…
If I shopped for my spouse like I shop for my automobile,
I’d make sure I’d pick someone with style and class-
Mercedes would most definitely have to be her name,
SMOKIN' RED HOT and chiseled, mixed with a lil’ bit of sass!
IF I SHOPPED FOR MY SPOUSE LIKE I SHOP FOR MY AUTOMOBILE
Cindi Rockwell
October 12, 2016
If I were in the market for
Another spouse, I would
Check out the database of specs
To make a choice that’s good.
My top criterion is that
I want my spouse to last.
A long time he should be with me
And not break down too fast.
I'd make him get a physical
To check for hidden leaks
And broken parts, to know what's wrong
If I hear that he creaks.
I’d look how much he needs to eat
And whether he requires
A super diet. Are there foods
Without which he expires?
Reliability is key -
I need dependable.
A man who is not there for me
Is just expendable.
What if he breaks or ails, can he
Be fixed without much pain?
Will it cost me an awful lot
To make him well again?
How does he sound? How does he smell?
How does he make me feel?
This will decide the final choice
Before I seal the deal.
But I already have a man
I picked a different way,
And I’m quite happy. So this list
I’ll use another day.
September 13, 2016
For contest: If I shopped for my spouse like I shop for my automobile
Sponsored by: Cindi Rockwell
I don’t want what everybody has, that’s just not for me,
I look for one that’s different, not everyone’s cup of tea.
She’s not red and loud and flashy, racing down the track;
She’s not afraid to get muddy, but still looks good in black.
I want to take her top off, so she’ll blow back my hair,
Wide open with the doors off, so I can feel the air.
I would take her places, beautiful and warm,
But take comfort in the knowledge, she drives well through a storm
We’d take the road less traveled, not fearing hill or ditch,
And scale the steepest mountain, regardless of the pitch.
We’d get good and dirty, discover brand new places;
With the flashes of the fireworks lighting up our faces.
Get the water steamy, tear a piece out of my shirt,
Work up a good lather and caress away the dirt.
I’d take such good care of her, work to make her shine,
Marvel at her sparkle, and smile because she’s mine.
In ancient times when life appeared as swell,
with gorgeous wife and Chevy runnin’ fine,
there’d be no tale to share now where I tell,
uplifting stories ‘bout my sad decline.
It seems one morning gone completely mad,
I took the stairs up where our God resides,
then peed in his Cheerios somethin’ bad,
‘cuz now I live at mom’s ‘n hitch-hike rides.
Yet these are words expelled not from a bum,
but from an educated poet (hack),
and time has come for me to free this thumb,
from hidden places found around my back.
So what came first, the chicken or its egg?
I’ve sat and pondered now for sixteen weeks -
because to snag a chick ‘n make her beg,
I need a car that for me smoothly speaks.
BUT – because mom provides, I don’t need cash,
and since she does there’s no real need to work,
plus I’m still sad about my ex-wife’s dash,
which left me half the man and thrice the dork.
Unfairly screwed my plight now seems to be -
there’ll be no broad without a car to drive,
but wheels don’t roll on game-board currency,
and both are needed or I won’t survive.
Anyways, Bonnie, real quick ‘fore I shake –
(you’re my fav'rite ex-wife, oh by the way)
divorcing you remains my worst mistake,
so… let’s re-hitch and spare this dual dismay!
You’ve gained a few but I can look at you,
and I’d save money without child support;
Come down to Houston and let love renew!
(and help finance a brand-new Kia Sport).
10/7/16
Before beginning my search,
I realize there are many models,
its not easy for anyone,
even a savvy girl.
Does he make me twirl,
will it be a throw of the dice,
I check out his "sticker price!"
Does he have a warranty to research?
I check out all of his review,
and his history in the world,
his finances, any crashes?
I am no mystic,
although not materialistic,
I have no intention of falling,
for a lemon, always stalling!
Is he a shining example to choose?
I will give him a test drive,
for a drive in the country,
down a highway we will roar.
See if he overheats,
does he have a cozy seat,
Okay, so all good so far it seems,
oh, yes he is my dream!
Any weird on line stuff still alive?
Has he a lifetime warranty, free!
Perhaps he will rust out before me,
perhaps he is not worth the price.
Well, I finally decide,
hope I got one with pride.
If not there is a trade in,
possibility, and then again I begin!
Oh, are you the right model, guy for me?
I promise to take care, I do,
to caress you every day,
to keep you out of rain and snow.
We will go out often too,
I will never leave you,
illegally parked, never will that be,
part of your life, my shining Cherokee!
Except if we crash, then you are history, adieu?
_______________________
October 5, 2016
Rhyme
(abcddeea rhyme scheme)
Rhyming checked on Rhymezone.com
For the contest, If I Shopped For My Spouse
Like I shopped For My Automobile,
sponsor, Cindi Rockwell
Sixth Place
IF I SHOPPED FOR MY SPOUSE LIKE I SHOP FOR MY AUTOMOBILE - Poetry Contest
By Franklin Price
9/30/2016
If I shopped for my wife
As I shop for my car
I'd be much better off
Much better by far
Would remember the colors
The options and size
The attractive appearance
I see with my eyes
Will have others talking
As she moves down the street
All heads will be turning
Her style won't be beat
Now I must say
This thought will not go
My wife is not like
Any car that I know
It's best if she goes
And picks her own car
Then I'm much better off
Much better by far
Shopping for a wife's no science
So use your car for example
Kick her ankles for compliance
The way you kick tires for sample
Pull her dress high to see the works
Exactly like you'd hoist the hoods
Up high is where you'll find the perks
Down low is where they put the goods
Walk around behind this chassis
See how much baggage she will hold
Check her walk and look for classy
Watch for dimples to see how old
Now to the face to check the paint
How many coats have been applied
Does it cover scratches that taint
And has the hair been often dyed
Once you're happy with the looking
It's time to check the inner parts
Ask her if she's used to cooking
Or does she eat from little carts
Then it's time for the money shot...
Tell her you love her then stand back
She'll either purr or she will not
And you'll have your answer - or lack
One final thought before you start
You'll check the warranty, my friend
Ask her if "Til death do us part"
Causes her to grimace or grin
September 13, 2016
A photo, a snapshot, a small glimpse in time,
My life has fit in a tin.
A small tin of pictures, a tin of a memory,
Where I lived my small life with a grin.
Each moment I was happy, no cry or a frown,
No photos of tears from my eyes.
These photos don't say I ever felt down
Not sure if they're true or just lies.
Was I happy when driving, or walking down town
Was I that happy in front of the shop?
Was I really that happy when doing the dishes
When did my happiness stop?
I do have one honest photo that gives it away
A photo I called a mistake
A photo of my mirror shows tears from my heart
Revealing my life was a little too fake.