Best Poos Poems
Birthday Double Tetractys for Eve
To
our friend
Eve Roper:
valued poet
every poem from her artistic hand
Reads like a painting looks - inspired! Using
only words that
proclaim her
essence:
real.
Birthday Limerick for Jan
Jan Allison, born on this day
always knows just the right words to say:
nature writes, soulful verse -
Apropos and diverse,
limericks are her playful forté
laughing loudly, I read all I can
isle of Man should be called 'Isle of Jan'
such an inspired muse
on the news (and the poos)
not to mention orange-faced pumpkin man!
// Happy birthday (January 25th) to two beloved pillars of Poetry Soup! //
I have to admit I’ve got a confession
About my unhealthy obsession
Other kids love pop stars with all their heart
For me it’s the Bristol Stool chart
There’s seven different types of poo
With pictures that give me a clue
to how long the poo’s been in my bowel
Poos that’s both fresh and some that’s foul
Each morning once I get out of bed
For breakfast I’ll have brown bread
The chart is a handy tool
To identify your type of stool
Now I’ve decided to tell
You about the different poos that smell
Cos it’s clear that the Bristol stool chart
Can also indicate your type of fart
Type 1 is as hard as a nut
And stays longest in the gut
Type 2 is a sausagy lump
That’s hard to squeeze out your rump
Then there’s types 3 and type 4
These are the poos I adore
These are the poos I prefer to make
A cracked sausage or smooth like a snake
Types 5 and 6 are easier to pass
Blobby or fluffy ones from your ass
Type 7 is the worst of all
It gushes like a waterfall
So now you’ve got all the scoop
On all the different types of poop
I love identifying my poo and type of fart
The Bristol Stool chart fills my heart
Return of the Kung Poo Masters
Spring came around the bend
As YES, Dragon is at it again
My roses have compost more regular than rain
As, Dragon goes at it, claiming its Zen
Yep, He’s dumping his loads as I try to stop him in vain
So the Kung POO Masters I did call
This time it was not one, but all
I declared who ever can bend
Dragon’s poos and great winds
Will be crowned the greatest Kung Poo Master of all
One of these was found tied with his robes in a tree
Another under a great pile of Dragon’s debris
But this ain’t the end
For a mysterious friend
Used Dragons curiosity to bend him… to his knee.
Each day the Kung Poo Master refused to come back
Or to reveal himself… as he was hidden… all in black
If Dragon didn’t comply to his potty time rules
Such a clever rule, for he wasn’t a fool
As Dragon finally complied
Then he stubbornly refused, until next year, to unveil
That didn’t last long, as Dragon blew a fiery gale
But The Kung Poo Master wasn’t hurt
For he had on a fire proof shirt
For he was the Sheriff of Crazyland, goes my tale
He won the crown and our respect all around
Now he comes each morn to wake Dragon with loud sounds
Dragon always jumps up and a chase unfolds
And if he dumps a load, its littering he’s told
Now my roses are flourishing in abound.
Now when he’s good… Dragon is given a treat
And the Sheriff gets breakfast here all very neat
Then they’re off to the park to meet Dragons destiny.
For Dragon has become the new Sheriff’s Deputy!
Finally… our… peace …is… complete
A curious bee and a silly wasp were stuck in a cup of pee
The two insects begged the old man to set them free
“I don’t want to die” cried the poor pathetic bee
The ridiculous wasp said “I am trying to flee, help!”
Hours later, two tiny poos were floating in the acidic pee
When your sittin' in your chair
With nothing else to do
Just think what if
A monkey had to poo
Would he sit and push it out
Or leave it in to stay
But if he were to do that
Would it really go away
Does he have a potty
Or a designated tree
Maybe it's the same place
He goes to take a pee
Possibly he has a spot
A place where he can go
After all this research
I guess we'll never know
While your sitting in you chair
Looking good as dead
Think about what if
A monkey poos on your head...
It was the best of poos,
It was the worst of poos.
Restroom, oh Restroom,
Wherefore art thou Restroom?
Momma says poo is like a box of chocolates:
You never know what you're going to get.
NO SINGLE-PLY EVERRRR!!!!!!
Frankly, my poo, I don't give a damn!
Please, sir, may I have some more toilet paper?
Fasten your seat belts! It's going to be a flatulent night!
I love the smell of well formed poo in the morning -- smells like victory!
Nobody puts Baby in the corner stall! Shut up you idiot, I wasn't dancing! I was trying not to poo myself!!!!
It might be a tumor.
It's not a tumor kid!!!! I'm just trying to poo!!!
You can't handle the poop!!!
Two roads diverged in a restroom, and I,
I took the one less taken.
And that has made all the difference.
It's nearly time for PMQs
Said Boris, and I've blocked the bog
With one of my enormous poos
It's nearly time for PMQ's
It's hard to verbally abuse
The opposition when your log
Is staring at you. PMQs
Said Boris, and I've blocked the bog
© Gail Foster 18th November 2020
Who is watching who?
Monkey makes a fool of you
~ First he pees, then poos.
My Mate Pete, he loved to have a drink
and this led him to cause the world's biggest stink.
He used to work in a factory that made joke shop supplies
things like whoopee cushions, doggie poos and also googly eyes.
On the day in question, he was on the morning shift
but the night before, he'd drank a bottle of vodka which was a Christmas gift.
Later the next morning at work, as his body began to detox
he had a little accident with the products in his box.
This product contained stink bombs - the little ones made of glass
The whole factory immediately smelt like the inside of someone's ass.
"Abandon ship" was the cry, "Women and children first"
The smell made people puke, it really was the worst.
There was instant panic, which caused Pete to make another mistake
he then knocked over more stink bombs - a disaster as bad as an earthquake.
With all windows and doors sealed shut, there really was no escape
until Superman arrived, wearing his pants on his tights and his cape.
Superman burned a hole, with his heat vision, so the workers could be free
However, Superman made an error that nobody could foresee.
His heat vision caused some explosive material to combust
The factory then exploded, which caused a massive windful gust.
The stink bomb mushroom cloud then blew across the land
The Army were called in - so they could take command.
The Army plugged in a load of fans and blew the cloud across the sea
Poor Pete was vilified in the press, but he's still a friend to me.
When I'm with Pete now, he's not allowed to drink
cos I don't want to live through another Apocalyptic stink.
The rules for being a nursie poo is simply this
You must be efficient as well as a delicious dish
Plain Janes need not apply
Must be pleasing to the eye
To be fawned over and cuddled is every man's wish!
Cockapoos, Labradoodles,
Cavapoos and Oodle Spoodles,
Sprockerpoos, Irish Troodles,
Maltipoos or simply Schnoodles
Multitudes of deviant Doodles,
Poos and cute expensive Toodles,
Consequences of canoodles
Carried out with hoochey Poodles
THE WOMAN WHO COULD EAT WOOD
Who defied science?
The Woman Who Could Eat Wood had.
How and why at first no doctor could say
to her mom and dad.
Years later the doctors had discovered that after a test
special micro-organisms helped the wood in her guts digest.
‘Perhaps B can survive off wood because of some unknown power,’ her father had said.
‘I agree 100% with your thought,’
her mother had said.
‘A superpower I don’t have
All I can do is eat wood. That’s good.
But no one gets saved!
So I’m not special,’ B had made understood.
Sometimes she worried like crazy
that she was different. Sometimes she didn’t worry that she was different like crazy.
At first the cruel media (and some did too on Oak Street) teased her, hated her,
was terrified this kind
of “natural ability” could occur in her.
Quickly they lost interest,
forgot about her.
At Elmwood Primary school some people
ate for lunch sandwiches and fruit.
She ate doors and drawer knobs
and the occasional wood flute.
Some people
in the beginning
were scared that her
bodily functions were strange and not prizewinning.
‘She c-can d-d-i-ig-g-ge-s-st-t-t w-w-woo-d. As b-b-beav-v-ers d-do!’ a classmate had said, not grinning.
‘Friends, Pleeaasssssssssse DON’T be scare of me!
You’ll soon come to understand me. You’ll see.’
‘And YES. I eat like a beaver.
But I don’t cut down trees with my teeth to build
lodges and dams. I don’t eat layers of tree bark.
It’s totally impressive how quick they can build.’
After a long while
most people just accepted she could eat wood. Sure there were a few meanies of guile
who teased her and her parents to tears
for awhile.
She made some friends
and she even had some boyfriends.
She actually loved the taste of wood
that’d make most sick. That she liked to admit.
'I have no choice but to,
I guess,’ she’d admit.
She never felt sick or put on any weight.
Skinny as a HB pencil she was, but not unfit.
Her poos were wood when she didn’t pig normal food when she asked for it.
In fact she preferred wood.
It was free and it
saved her parents a load of money and too,
saved on dentist bills because her teeth never split.
TO BE CONTINUED ... IN PART 2
GIRAFFATACK
In treetops high up
Spot victims, raises up neck
~ Pow! Eats shoots, then leaves
MONKEY SHINES
Who is watching who?
Monkey makes a fool of you
~ First it pees, then poos
RATTJLE SNAKE
Beware Mister Snake
Poisonous tail, rattle and shake
~ Man, your life's at stake!
JUNGLE NEWS
Dozens are crying
Maimed creatures lay dying
~ Snarfed by a lion
Birth
O, JOY
Baby boy
It walks and talks
Never screams or squawks
It smiles and coos
Makes firm poos
Sleeps well ~
Too
The twins will soon be here,
And Harvey will have two more cousins,
That much is clear,
But what will they make of Harvey,
When he comes to welcome them at their new home.
Will they think he is big or small,
Will they think he is happy or sad.
Will they think it funny when he holds his nose and says stinky poos.
Will they giggle at the faces he pulls,
or when he pretends to be cross.
Will they like it when he sings to them so sweetly,
Will they like it when he whispers ever so quietly so as not to hurt their ears,
Will they like it when he tickles their tummy,
Will they like it when he gives them toys, he had as a baby,
Will they like it when he plays peek-a-boo with them,
Will they like it when Auntie lets him hold them in his lap,
Will they like it when he gives them his best smile,
Will they like it when he fetches things they need,
so, Auntie does not have to get up.
Will they like it when Harvey gets to hold their bottle when they drink.
Will they like it when he asks Auntie and Uncle about how to keep them safe.
Will they like it when he teaches them to catch a ball, when they are older.
Will they like to hear the stories he tells, to grandad.
They will, they will, they will,
Just like Harvey liked those, who did all those things for him when,
He was a baby,
And he did for his other cousins.
But will the twins like it when Harvey goes home,
Probably not.
Yet Harvey is only five and needs to sleep, and go to school,
Play with grandad.
And I am sure they will be happy to see him come back.
As they recognize his kind face,
And the sound of his sweet voice.