Best On The Market Poems
CHARLIE'S CARTOON CHARACTERS
Once upon a time, long, long ago, in a far away land, in the land where Charlie lived, there was a group of cartoon characters who felt as though they were the greatest thing to come along since sliced bread was put on the market. They were truly a curious bunch of characters who could be seen on any given day careening down the thoroughfare on their coveted tricycles causing people to scatter for fear of being crushed by these cavorting crazies who carelessly chose to clutter up the sidewalkway and the crosswalk while practically choking with laughter.
From the other side of town, there came a handsome, muscled up soon to be champion of the people because he had come to clean up this careening group of cartoon characters and put Charlie in his place. This champion's name was Clint, as in Eastwood, but even more impressive. He came into town on his cherished red, white, and blue skateboard. Clint was on a crusade. Yes, he was certainly charismatic and rather charming with his crooked little curved lip smile and the cheroot cigar clamped tightly between his crystalline teeth. Well, his very appearance was enough to convince Charlie and his gang of cohorts to seek a change of scenery and move to an entirely different city. Clint never even had to get off of his skateboard except to convince a certain little campus cutie that he was to become her cherished companion and settle down in a clean little cabin on the corner of Clint Avenue and Colleen Boulevard. Yes, that is what the town folks named that location. Oh, by the way, I forgot to mention that the little campus cutie was named Colleen. She and Clint are the proud parents of Curtis, Catherine, Constance, and two classy little girls named Jan and Andrea. They all live happily in Cunningham, Colorado. Cunningham is a little place named after a poet, Tom Cunningham. Tom and another noted poet named Bob Hinshaw help Clint maintain law and order as they sit around thinking up stuff to write for folks to read when they don't have anything better to do.
13 November 2018
For the contest sponsored by Caren Krutsinger
I’ve come to believe that dirty laundry
is alive.
Just when you’re down to one batch, you turn
around and there are five.
And I also believe that laundry runs around
at night by itself.
“Cause “no one” gets it dirty, or takes it down
from the shelf.
“I don’t know where it all came from” is
what I always hear.
All those towels have a mind of their own, is
now what I fear.
There’s four kids, three adults and seven days in
the week.
How that can turn into twenty batches,..to this
question, the answer I seek.
If I’d just invested in Proctor and Gamble when
they first went on the market,
Today I’d have a Rolls Royce, along with a
driver to park it.
Separated by distances
As time dances in and out
The evolution of our being
Caught so tight, interwoven
Hearts palpitating, pressing
To expolore each possible nuance
There's a carnival of imagination
Left poised on every vacant lot
Teeming on the market
With unusual resale value
Captivating soul dance ether
Murmuring through density of dreams
Your thick breath whispering heat
Draws me towards the infinite
It was just a typical ordinary night
I was all tucked up in bed
Radio on reading a book
By lamp light.
When suddenly
I saw a flash in the corner of my eye
Boy I was so scared
I nearly wet myself
I was petrified.
For there under the wardrobe
I did see
A giant mouse twitching it's nose
I could have sworn
It was laughing at me.
It had two huge eyes
The size of dinner plates
It was nearly as huge as a house
It was my worst nightmare come true
A giant enormous mouse.
I screamed when I realized it wasn't a dream
At the huge hairy monster fiend
Well I panicked and jumped out of bed
Ran down stairs screaming!!!!!
And banged my head.
I grabbed a pile of books
And hid in the bathroom
And locked the door
and put some things against the door
And some towels at the bottom on the floor.
And there I stayed for two weeks or more only occationaly
Leaving to get a drink or some food
Anything else I wasn't in the mood.
Well I wasn't going to let a mouse outsmart me
That would have been so silly
You see
So I bought a humane mouse trap
Because I hate killing things
And tried to tempt it in
I tried every contraption on the market
But still the mouse would win
It was like a mouse hotel
I tried sardines cheese and pastabake
Chocolate and well done steak
Salmon toast boiled egg and sweets
It ate me out of house and home
With all the treats.
But still I couldn't get it.
Well soon I turned into a crazed mad killer!
With a shotgun and an axe
I was a hunter and my mouse was my prey
But still the mouse had it's day
Dynamite was the last resort
I tried real hard but it couldn't be bought.
Then one day I found it dead
The fattest mouse I'd ever seen laid by my bed.
It was finally over to my relief
But I felt so sorry for the critter
that caused me so much grief.
But having spent two weeks
In the bathroom with all those books
At least I came out a much wiser well read man
And a mouse is all that it took
But now I was broke
I didn't have a penny left
As I'd overfed the mouse to death
Peter Dome.copyright.2014. June.
A centipede found its way into our home
My hairs stood on end for hours on end!
And while we tried learning about it on Google search,
in a dark and damp crevice it made its perch
All the cyber net did was to amplify my fears
It also yielded that our azure electric-blue vermin
was quite hot on the market
Making me wonder how people could fancy
such a nightmarish pet!
For this wasn't just any pest
This had hazardous venom
I fearfully wondered if they had
its antidote serum.
We couldn't just ignore
a pair of painful pincers on the loose
There wasn't way to rope those
like bull horns in a noose.
Here was a venomous predator
complete with stinging apparatus
Its bite portended pain
and complications humongous!
It did appear to have those rumoured hundred segments
but count scaredy me out from counting those myriad ligaments.
This insectivore when we tried then to shoo,
with lightning speed it zig-zagged out of view!
So now it lurks but we can't find it anywhere
and gosh its stingers triple their size in my nightmare!
besides leaving us with a proliferation scare.!
And but timid me thanked God once again
to my great relief how thoughtful of Him indeed
to create venomous creatures that inflict stinging pain
but atleast are unable to zoom in flying at us at flying speed! .
(a flyin scorpion, centipede wud have been far more terrifyin n dangerous eh) .
20 Line Haiku Hijack
I stole a haiku from Japan
Stuffed it in a duffle bag, added 20 lines
Fed it chocolate day and night before the flight
Then placed it on the market when I landed
Shrimp and whale tails make sound haiku
Deliciously simple like sushi. Japan hated mine.
Called it distasteful, too heavy and rude
Complaining it suffered from too many lines
I sold the stolen poem to a toothless man next
An Afghanistan Taliban in need of a wife
He realized the mistake and returned it at once
Calling it bland, loveless and torturously trite
I injected a diaphragm on the haiku 2nd line
To prevent undo pregnancies
When left alone to expand, haiku will multiply on command
It grew from 3 to 20 lines in what Japan calls a crime
Hijacking haiku and adding more lines is wrong
It changes the meaning and makes it too long
Haiku will never be the same again
In the end I put it on a train to India…a quatrain to be exact.
Doppler scream noise
into my being
I am like a young horse on the plain
surrounded by awkwardness
All is about Anglosaxon Economy
I am in the midst of it all
My verse is to be sold on the market
Come buy the debate!
Don´t you see I am totally tolerant
But how will I stand the noise from E=mc2
Democrazy watch over me
And energy leave me in small parcels
Fear o
Fear
Famous Swedish fear
I have to understand it all
Here I live in a box
Sweet, nice, sitting cosy on my sofa
There´s the new threat of war
I live close to Europe
( what madness have we seen? )
is this the prize of madness, sir?
Some search for their Virgin Island
I go look for a man with a bone in his nose
You’re starving and craving a pizza. The topping you want is ground beef.
But they've only got what you hate: pepperoni! Good grief!
You cannot agree with your newest friend’s crazy belief.
She screams at you, causing a big scene in public: Good grief!
You went on a cruise. Now your group’s at a popular reef.
Under water, you’re diving. The boat leaves without you! Good grief!
You have to go meet with your workplace department’s new chief.
Then you find out the guy is the neighbor that hates you. Good grief.
You’re told that the wait for your doctor is sure to be brief.
At last it’s your turn, but he’s called out for surgery. Good grief!
There’s only one pill on the market that gives you relief.
It’s the one your insurance won’t cover at all. Good grief!
There’s trouble a plenty that robs you of time like a thief.
However, be glad if the worst that you get is GOOD grief!
see this spot, a pit?
it is the place of my horn
now on the market.
An a abundance
Of fruited gifts from heaven
On the market floor
Real Estate Jargon Explained
By Elton Camp
When a house is for sale there’s good reason why
Trouble can come to anyone who advertises a lie
If the sellers certain expressions carefully choose
It will become easy the careless buyer to confuse
“This house is simply loaded with charm.”
Means we hope old and ugly won’t alarm
If you see it’s a “Pet friendly neighborhood,”
Dog manure in your yard should be understood
The praising note, “Easy access to the freeway”
Means thousands will pass your house each day
Beware the notation of “Low maintenance lot.”
Since neither front nor back yards have you got
“Historic house maintained in its original state”
It is a run-down old relic that you soon will hate
“It’s a doll house that you are going to adore.”
The house’s tiny rooms you’ll come to deplore
“The dwelling is located on a fine corner lot”
Then traffic both front and sides you have got
If the place is described as “Ready to move in,”
Then painted with the cheapest grade it has been
“A desirable neighborhood” means that its location
Has made it overpriced due to a snobbish reputation
If of “In-city living” the seller proudly does tell
Not safe to walk after dark it should say as well
If it is a “Handy-man special,” then better look out
The old place is ready to collapse without any doubt
If the advertisement should say, “Lots storage space,”
The basement is nothing but a dark, moldy disgrace
If the selling point is of “Seasonal water view,”
It means water was visible before the trees grew
If the seller says that “All your lot is usable land,”
You can know that not a single tree still does stand
If “Close to shopping” the advertisement does call
It means your backyard is adjacent to the big mall
When the imperative is that you must “See inside,”
It has a horrid exterior that is impossible to hide
If it is happily described as “Cozy, it should be read
That no room is big enough to contain a full-size bed
This is how “Make an offer” you actually should take:
It’s been long on the market so don’t make a mistake
The inviting phrase is “Watch wildlife from your patio”
You can expect to get ticks and fleas if outside you go
So if your house purchase in a year you will praise,
Watch carefully for the real meaning of each phrase
Now here's a funny sight, my friends
People with extra long necks
Much like giraffes you see at the zoo
A really strange sight, by heck
They drive convertibles for obvious reasons
It sure ain't so great in the snow
Their houses are rather tall and skinny
How they sleep at night, heaven knows
There's advantages to having an extra long neck
Especially at a sporting event
Till the people behind start throwing things
Which there's gotta be a way to prevent
There's a pill that's just come on the market
To help shrink it down to size
But the side effects can be disastrous
It increases your bum and your thighs
Now you can fit into a normal size car
But you take up the whole front seat
That's sure better than a giraffe like neck
That's ridiculous, for the love of pete!
© Jack Ellison 2012
Watch me try and live a commital life of social norms, mores, manners, domestication, that tired ritual of boring sexual for the times at hande, which are still at least 30 yrs B e h i n d, if u know what I mean. Sex sells is everywhere we look, listen and remember and partake, but not in school. School says AbStInANcE, PARENTS say Never. Yea and do the math on your birth sonny or sweetie. HMMMMMMM, the month thing doesn't quite add up. Go to your room, none of yr business, yr to young to know about things like this. Instead of saying, I was an idiot and didn't use protection and I was a moron, because I let him. We love u just the same, and same, and same. We never learned our fluid lession. Thank God most cars today either don't have a back seat or u have to be a gymnast/contortionist to get anything done! Stay away from circus people and gypsys. No, just stupid would be parents, with no intuition as to the real, "pleasure" savers on the market. Been there, saw it aplenty, never happened to me as I kept in my pants, read, pictured, analyzed all other precautions that were ****** oriented withput cuming up with "that" surprise. My ode to my local pharmacy, their tight book collection, and the privacy for me to read how to pleasure a woman with all of my body parts except, oh wait, my nickname from my work patrons is Dirty Dave.Too bad they will never know the lenghts I took to make sure no little Collins' were walking the planet, unfathered. Someday we may get it right. But it must be-come from the parents; this is not a school measure- get clinical, get smart, get educated outside yr loin addiction and make unparalleled education at home happen. Not my job. You produced them from your own wanton, unplanned knowledge, unsuredness, mistakeness, or sexual stupidity. Your job is to sacrifice all to make them WAY better than you. Hence they don't beguile the same human life errors. Our planet is full of counter humans without love/affection compassion/empathy that act as infinite guideposts toour all future. Ignorance begets ignorance and ignorance is bliss,...and so on...,
my gold standard dips
monetary units fall
what was once worth a lot
is worth little at all
inflation reigns
the black market profits
blood diamonds from Africa
trade high on the market
as I slip into poverty
my portfolio crashes
you are living in luxury
made rich on advances
Everybody knocks on Homebody's door,
Everybody said hi I'm looking for Somebody.
Homebody told Everybody that
Somebody went shopping with her cousins
Somewhere, Anywhere and Everywhere.
Everybody left looking for Somebody.
If Busybody was a gossip queen,
Then Homebody is a match maker,
Trying to find a match for Anybody.
Anybody who's sexy and sassy
and a walking wet dream.
But Homebody was more than a pretty face
being thick and sexy.
Both of then, were single and on the market,
Only Nobody was available.
Busybody told Nobody that he should
go out with Homebody,
But she can be a little bougie.
Nobody said that he's not picky,
that he'd even go out with Anybody.
Somebody knocked on Busybodies door
looking to have more than a few words.
Meanwhile Homebody was taking a shower
and then she put on some not for company clothes.
There was knock at the door,
Homebody yelled come in thinking it was Anybody.
And Nobody showed up with flowers and chocolate.
Nobody came looking for Anybody
He looked around and didn't see Anybody.
So, Nobody asked Homebody
if she'd like dinner and a movie?
Homebody found a reason to get out the house.
And Everybody is still looking for Somebody.