Best Dick Poems
I had not been on another poetry site even a week
And l had already crossed paths with a bully
A self appointed “Professor of Poetry” it seems
Who spewed out rude comments regularly
Now, I don’t know your name
So I will call you Richard
(DICK for short!)
Insulting and belittling
Others poems and effort
Is not called advice or support!
Now DICK, some of us just like to write poems
Simple though that may be
Not for judgement or accolades
Just for the joy of poetry
Being hurtful , rude and insensitive
Arrogant, intimidating and just unkind
Does not make you knowledgeable or gifted
Or a poet of any kind
DICK ….your words have no impact on me
I am strong and your words meaningless and weak
My concern is for the young or vulnerable
Who may be affected or scarred by this garbage you speak
DICK ….. I suspect you think you are superior
Intelligent and of a better class
But DICK I think you are doing a handstand
And talking out your ar*e
Who gave you the right to be so judgemental
To think it’s ok to humiliate and be cruel
DICK you just make yourself look like
An absolute DICK fool …..
Very loosely based on Robert Palmer’s song Addicted To Love – I understand the lyric is often mis-quoted hence the title.
The lights are on, were both at home
Your todger has a mind of its own
Our hearts beat, our bodies quake
Making love is what it takes
We start to moan, we start to grind
Sex is always on your mind
There’s no doubt your in deep
With all this sex we never sleep
Another kiss is all you need
Ooh ohhh
You always wear your rubber glove – oh yeah
Cos we’re not ready to have a baby to love
Guess it’s always safer to stick your dick in a glove
You see the signs when we do the deed
But still you ride me like steed
You're going at it double time
Honey you've got a one-track mind
There's no hope you can't be saved
Sexual oblivion is all you crave
Nymphomania is nothing new
But honey it sure thrives in you
Whoa I'm not immune to your stuff oh yeah
Lets face it baby I can't get enough
I might as well face it I'm addicted to your love.
Written by Jan Allison & Darren Watson
21st June 2014
There once was a few chaps named Tom, Dick & Harry
Who for Hallows Eve were frightfully scary
For they were trying to undress
A woman you might guess
And scare the pants off of Mary.
So the silly spooks Tom, Dick & Harry
Who in their own way were ready to marry
So they each had a turn
Distilled with heartburn
To see who could pop Mary’s cherry.
Now who was the one to win over this cheeky chick
For they all tried really hard with a prickly trick
But Marry had the last laugh
When she gandered the scary staff
At the monster of Tom’s Harry ______.
...the last word is 'stick'...geez! people...come on now lol...all in good fun!
Sept.19.2018
Scary or Spooky poem
Sponsored by: Tania Kitchin
N/A for contest
He lived in a small village
Dick Longly was his name
He was known for miles around
An extra long willy his claim to fame
The men folk thought him a legend
Considered him unbelievably blessed
The women wanted to get to know him
Put that legend to the test!!
Dick was known by many a name
One “The Three legged man”
“Dick the Donkey ”another
And “Wham Bam thankyou Ma’am”
Dick was naturally a happy man
Though he did have one concern
His appendage was so long and dangly
It caused him to tumble and turn
He tried tying it in knots
But it had its own stubborn mind
Not doing what it was supposed too
Unraveling each and every time
Dick had a brilliant thought
Which worked perfectly without fail
He tucked his willy underneath
He is now known as the “Man With The Tail”
There was a hurting fellow named Dick
He had a rather pointy small prick
He rubbed it all day
without much delay
pulling it out it looked like a stick
For Jan's limerick contest. Now I will go read the directions.
If I were a boy I’d wear mini skirts
I wouldn’t be manly for what it’s worth
I love girly things
Like ribbons and rings -
I’d be a sexy transvestite who flirts!
3/25/12
For Frank's "If I were a boy" contest
There once was a lad named Dick
He was tremendously thin like a stick
Fell through a crack
And never came back
Probably met up with some thin chick
© Jack Ellison 2015
Can't you get it
Love is something that you are
If you sweat it
You're something else by far
Dozy Dick and his Magic Stick it comes to life at night
Takes him to a world of joy and pure delight
Transports him to a place he really wants to be
Of inner dreams and pleasure and every fantasy
With his magic stick Dick can travel far and wide
He can be all alone or have a beauty by his side
Dozy dipped his rigid stick and cast his magic spell
Where he dipped his magic stick he swears he'll never tell
Though the local witches coven each night with longing yearn
The sweet boys in fairyland also pray for his return
Dozy practices with his magic stick when he is in the bath
The most fun he's ever had yet he never laughs
He must by now be a fully-fledged master of his trade
Though as a result of all that practice, he wears a hearing aid.
Dozy waded into the sea when the water was quite choppy
His usually rampant magic stick became flexible and floppy
A myriad of baby mermaids now swim in the bay
Dozy and his magic stick must now undergo a test for DNA.
8th July 2014
Written by Jan Allison & Darren Watson
A greedy Dick's seed
will hardly succeed.
Volodymyr Knyr
2017
Height is not an issue
But today I got introduced to a nasty verbal stew
It was this one bullish kind of comment
Of odium and torment
Initially I thought, it was human nature
Coming from a relative who is short in stature
The tyrant venting with a curse
A sheer case of moral shortsightedness
‘Conquer the whole world and lose your own soul’
Egoistic pride becoming his ultimate goal
I wish He could really be a mentor
For when there is troubling waters, he steers the young to the shore
His ignorance makes me very very angry
I pray that of this treacherous plot, I am set free
If I were not 'born again' in Christ and he were a watermelon
I swear my words would have been a sharp knife and his mouth a cracked gallon
Spider-man, he definitely is not
Being a woman, I Wonder why he insists on making Fijian ‘lovo’ in a foreign pot
My family counselor said ‘it is the short man's syndrome’
********! Sheer ignorance; fact is, from childhood, he hasn't mentally grown.
The Moby Dick Reunion
One hundred fifty nine years have passed
Since Melville published his novel.
Seven hundred twenty pages in length
Some say it was much too nautical.
All of the characters have gathered.
They’re going to have a reunion.
Rumor has it, they say, that Herman himself
Is making a huge revelation.
Ishmael is the first to arrive,
And it’s he who was telling the story.
That’s only right, in the book he survived,
He deserves to get all the glory.
Fedallah and Moby were next in line,
Just in from the Dr. Phil Show.
Their friendship had grown a lot lately.
The harpooner was psychic you know!
When he and Phil studied the big fishes mind,
They found out his reason for anger.
The fact that he was albino
Had burned in his mind like a canker.
Ahab, it seems, was equally mean,
And caused a lot of his stress.
He’d cornered the whale with harpoon boats,
And offered no way for egress.
Moby’s life has been changed forever.
He’s hitched to a really cute killer.
She’s working part time at Sea World,
Seems they needed a sub for their “killer”.
The pub where they met was named Starbucks,
In honor of the owner.
The first mate was rich as a pirate.
He could even afford to buy toner.
Then through the door entered Ahab,
With a prosthesis and brand new pipe.
He finally learned to be happy,
And enjoyed a simpler life.
With him was Herman Melville,
A screenplay under his arm.
One thousand pages he’d written,
About whalers who lived on a farm?
The crew didn’t give their attention.
By now, they were tanked up on rum.
He said he was going to Hollywood,
And if they were smart they would come.
But Ahab and Moby were sobbing.
Tears falling into their mugs.
After all of their trials they found friendship
In the bottom of a jug.
Herman begged them to go make the movie.
But, their lives were happier now.
They all had families to care for,
And no urge for taking a bow.
It seems that while Melville was groveling,
Pip and Ishmael had stolen the play.
They put it in Queequey’s coffin,
And watched it float slowly away.
That was the end of the reunion.
They all went home that night,
Happy with the realization,
That their lives were all just right!
I'm a cop and my name is Dick Tracy.
A lot of cops are corrupt but not me.
I can't be bought just like Eliot Ness.
Because of crime, this city is a mess.
A Crime Lord runs this town and his name is Big Boy Caprice.
While he's operating, there will be no peace.
Some times I fight criminals with my fists and some times I use guns.
This town will be safe for people to live in when my job is done.
Yesterday I got in a shoot out and I killed Pruneface and Flattop.
Taking those two down means that a few of the crimes will stop.
Two months ago I brought down 88 Keys and The Blank.
Citizens are grateful for what I do, they all say thanks.
I have a wonderful family and that makes me blessed.
I have a boy named Junior and a wife named Tess.
I wear a 2-Way Wrist TV that allows me to communicate with other officers.
When I bring Big Boy to justice, the streets will be safe again, that's for sure.
(This poem is based on the comic strip that was created by Chester Gould.)
With one mighty swing of your forty-two ounce bat,
out of the ballpark was where the baseball was at.
A great player blessed with athletic prowess,
you made the ball travel like a nonstop express.
You were Wampum, Pennsylvania's native son.
As far as sports was concerned, you could not be outdone.
One of the Major League's feared sluggers you would be.
Many opposing pitchers became filled with anxiety.
An outstanding career was something you could claim.
I still wonder why you are not in the Hall of Fame.
Yes, you were better than many who played the game.
May you rest in peace as they will remember you name.
Dick Allen
(1942-2020)
He
Didn't swear
On "Bible"...
But "Moby Dick"
No!
From the movie "Fried Green Tomatoes"