Best Crack Up Poems
What's happened recently I have to tell. (Hiccup)
Wish I could muddle through without a screw-up.
It starts out at a comic show. (Hiccup)
The stand-up doing jokes was such a crack-up
my laughter turned to choking then, (Hiccup)
and from my nose there squirted diet 7-up.
Embarrassed by all this, I got up and (Hic!)
excused myself to the lady's room and quick.
I tried to drink some water and to (Hic!)
apply another coat of Rose glow lipstick.
When I returned, I heard stuff that was (Hiccup)
not for kids and hardly for the ears of any grown-up.
I guess I got back just in time for (Hic!)
that crazy guy's most hilarious shtick.
Laughing violently, I felt (Hiccup)
I once again was gonna have a flare-up.
But why I just kept choking I don't (Hic!)
know, but this time I was feeling rather sick.
That's when I first started doing (Hic!)
this. Wish I'd gone instead to see some flick.
This all happened thirty days a (Hic!)
go. I think I've now tried almost every trick-
from breathing into bags to even (hiccup)
drinking from the wrong side of a teacup.
I'm tired of my husband trying to (hiccup)
scare me into stopping, so I'll sum up.
A guy like me was on Jay Leno's (Hic!)
Show. Hey! I could be the famous hiccup chick!
And yet, of all the things I could be known (Hic!)
for, this has to be the last one I would pick!
Written 3/18/14 for The Tickle My Funny Bone contest
She wandered into the prissy bathroom hating it for its prettiness.
There were all kinds of trinkets and knickknacks
She reached for two, and threw them onto the floor.
The fairy broke into slivers bringing her at least a squeak of satisfaction.
What are you looking at? She demanded of the mirror.
Her face was puffy and unkind dark ugly mean circles under her eyes.
She glared at herself, considered breaking the mirror also.
She was in the mood to break, burn, and stab everything.
Her three best high school friends would all be married after Saturday.
She was the only one left not belonging to anyone.
No job, no life, no hope. Fast on her way to nowhere town.
She hated this house; this nonlife, this feeling of stuck.
The men she had met were liars, and narcissists.
She had been easily fooled by two of them, possibly three.
She glared at herself in the mirror
Feeling undesirable, ugly and unlovable.
You are pathetic! She said to her reflection.
Her brown eyes did not believe her. They laughed.
God I hate myself! She thought.
Received a sliver of satisfaction after slamming a bottle into the mirror.
Watching it crack up into a spider web’s face.
I hate all three of them! She screamed.
But of course, she only hated one.
Who's in my cracker box?
I found a saltine in here...
And it's ready, for a bowl of hot soup..
Would you like to jump in, and join me?
I'm ready to crack up, and laugh real hard.
Too much salt floating around in here..
Gotta go..
Who's in my cracker box?
Cracker Poetry By Kim Robin Edwards
Copyright 2003,2015..ALL rights reserved..
"You were frightening, sinister,
You put everything into it
I took a step back
You get better every time
How good can you get?"
People are scared of fish eyes
They confuse, stun, fascinate
Coldly indifferent
Fish eyes
Sucked dry of life fish eyes...
Sabrina was unselfish,
Unselfconscious,
Devoted, unabashed,
Spontaneous,
A purring lioness:
"Yes," she said,
"I can imagine people
Wanting to possess you."
People are scared of fish eyes;
They confuse, stun, fascinate;
Coldly indifferent
Fish eyes;
Sucked dry of life fish eyes...
Sabrina said: "I'm sorry;
I'm just possessive
I'm frightened of my feelings
You'll miss me a little,
Won't you?
You should read Lenz.
I'm sure you'd
Identify
With the main character."
People are scared of fish eyes;
They confuse, stun, fascinate;
Coldly indifferent
Fish eyes;
Sucked dry of life fish eyes.
Have I written about the
Crack-up?
When I came home
Empty-handed
And I just couldn't
Articulate
For latent tears.
But am I so repelled
By intimacy?
When will someone
Get me there (the solar
Plexus) as Sabrina said.
People are scared of fish eyes;
They confuse, stun, fascinate;
Coldly indifferent
Fish eyes;
Sucked dry of life fish eyes.
(Thanks to the large quantity of notes I committed to paper while at college in London, my beloved college can live again through sundry writings forged out of them, such as the above, in which all names have been changed.)
My old cat Herman sure looks like vermin
When we douse him with a bucket of water
His teeth start to chatter, gets mad as a hatter
His master, he'd sure like to slaughter!
With unearthly growls, slinks round on the prowl
For a spot to get back his lost dignity
Under the couch he retreats like a grouch
We crack up in a mood of frivolity!
One day we'll pay for this game that we play
Herman's gonna rip away at our flesh
With an unearthly meow, like a demon from hell
He'll pounce - his dignity refreshed!
So here's what I learned bout the time I got burned
By this human-like piece of machinery
We've now learned a truth, Herm does rule the roost
He's responsible for a change in the scenery!
© Jack Ellison 2012
Bureaucrat's wonderland, admin sensational!
Dealing with legions of forms immigrational
Fill 'em out, print 'em out, copy each copy
Certify, verify, check it's not sloppy
Ensure that your mug-shots' dimensions abide
By strict regulations, for proof bona fide
Designed to deter and deny the defrauder
Tho' he is from England, not South of the border
Questions for terrorists, questions for spies
Questions for arms dealers (unsavoury guys):
“Do you like bombs and explosive devices?
Do you sell drugs at unbeatable prices?
Are you a Communist, socialist ****?
Do you intend hiding crack up your butt?
Your shotgun's permitted (so long as you've brought her
For wasting wild bison and Indian slaughter)
Hoping to join the best nation on earth?
Show me your balls and certificate of birth
(Not just the awesomest, also the wealthiest
And if you have money, we're even the healthiest)”
Fingerprints, medicals, primary screening
Interviews, vaccines and queries (well-meaning)
“Tho' thousands of dollars you've paid for this pleasure
Now enter and exit our country at leisure”
Sometimes I get muddled
A little confused and mixed up
I come out with funny things
and make everyone crack up
My workmate spent thousands on IVF
I was explaining this one day
but my brain seemed to go absent
and I messed it up my own way
I told my friends about her
My brain was running free
I meant to say IVF
but said HIV!
A slight difference I know
but a couple of letters the same
I know I messed it up
but I made everyone laugh again.
Poca à poca you crawled
I stood dumb as you fouled
The golden rules
Only heaven knows
Why I stood still and froze
As you sneered and spat
Your rancorous venom all over the place
You forced your way in
Pushed and pushed
Till everyone stepped aside for you
Only for us to be entrapped
In your labyrinthine world of shame
Now you tightened corners of your web
Got victims
Smashed the heads of cronies together
And spat the spiteful venom on their hearts
Oh, to us it tasted like fresh honey
Only for us to remember it was too late
For us to regurgitate
Oh how my head hated
To see my heart find joy
In that cryptic ignominious world
Imprisoned with acerbity
As we watched your affected smile
Crack up in drops of laughter
We egged ourselves on
Hoping your random peccadilloes
Would not cause anymore pain
For you to gain
Oh how thankful I am
To myself, my head in particular
To get you to drink your own juice
How relieving for me it is
To se you languish in endless pain
May the nemesis of your sins
Be everlasting
Till you are divinely purged clean
By the Almighty Himself.
SKETCH OF A WRETCHED WOMAN
She sat there demurely, her eyes closed shut,
With a formidable weight on her mind,
About to crack up like a brittle nut,
She was in a rather tenuous bind -
Her life's interlude from all love resigned;
An immutable fact caused deep heartache,
She had a unique psyche, no man would take,
Alone in her sea of tears, she was left...
Though her brilliant sketch, an artist could make,
None could portray how she felt - all bereft.
**************
11/01/17
Placed 2nd in "Eight word challenge-5" contest,
sponsored by John Hamilton
This is just a freestyle poem
I really don't have much time
I love to sit and wonder
I crack up every time I rhyme
all you have to do in life
if you want to get ahead
is beat your sister up the stairs
on the way to bed
when you start to take life too seriously
it's not fun to play anymore
everything's so serious
everyone is a bore.
I say we should all freestyle
maybe just for today
we don't know what you're thinking
so what do you have to say?
Best friends.
By Feo
I know that you've been having a rough time lately, just want to remind you that I'm here for you cause your my best friend
By the way, do you have a minute? I know we're both in a hurry to be somewhere but, you know, we're best friends
But I want to be more then that
When we finish each other's sentences, we both crack up
We can be goofy together, and not have a care
When one of us is thinking about the other, we reach for our phone at the same time
When you are going home after a fun evening, I won't go to sleep until you let me know you made it home safe
You've been my shoulder to lean on
And I, your listener
When you are not feeling like yourself, I'll try to find a way to make you smile
And when you do smile, I smile back at you, and melt deep inside
I would rather spend an entire day listening to your stories then anything else
I would rather just gaze at you and in a good way forget about my day, because I have your eyes to look at
When we say goodbye for the night we hug
But now I don't want to let go.
Long commutes, traffic jams
Accelerate, then on the brakes slam
The drive to work takes its toll
Nagging questions nibble at the soul
Then it's stride into work with a confident air
Lowered heads signal you'd better beware
The mood all-too-often stressed-out despair
By noon you're ready to tear out your hair
After lunch's not much better, then back into the car
Never have eighteen lousy miles seemed so far
Your mind still at work or on the endless back-up
At home trouble's brewing. Are you ready to crack up
You burst through the door, just happy to be there
Wondering why no greetings, just angry glares
Domestic turbulence permeates the room
You just can't cope with all this gloom and doom...
Ah, life in the suburbs, the great American Dream!
Merrily, merrily, spirits exhausted, swimming upstream
Sometimes being an adult can suck
but you can't go back
once you become one you're stuck
you have to make decisions
you have to learn quickly from your mistakes
there is no slowing down
there is no calling timeout or asking for a break
Once you become one you set for life
and then you start adding more titles
mother, father, husband, and wife
There is nothing wrong with those titles
but all of them carry some kind of stress
and if you keep adding titles
a person can start to feel compressed
I respect those who can navigate through this
and keep their sanity in tact
being an adult is not all that its crack up to be
and I am not a grumpy man venting to the world
I'm just stating a fact
Anyone can crack up
Writers, santation workers , cops,
right - wingers, left wingers
It is not a nice thing to happen
But not the end of the world if you do
Many people don't believe in poetry
But we at poetrysoup.com know better, don't we!!
Poetry is the key to emotional help!
At least for people who believe in something
It is best to believe in something
Cackle, Chortle, Chuckle with glee,
Crack-up with crowing, and giggle "tee hee",
Hilarity, merriment, rejoice with a roar,
Shrieking, sniggering, Cheering, Guffaw
"Hi-di-Hi", har-de-har,
Snorting a lot,
Don't follow Frankie Howard,
Don't "titter ye not"
Absurd and amusing,
Comic and droll
Sarcasm and Irony
Like an internet troll
Facetious and farcical,
Fantastic and Funny
Mirthful and Mocking
Are all on the money
So remember these synonyms,
When you need to be dafter
Cos the world's so much nicer
When you fill it with...
... laughter.
(c) The Didds 2018