My dear old mother
God rest her soul
Way up in the heavens
Now surely a holy saint
‘Cause when she was alive
She was kind to a fault
Had the biggest heart
Of anyone you’d seen
She would bake a million
Cakes ‘n pies of every sort
And people from miles around
Would line up at her door
And she was so shrewd
Fed a family of six on a dime
Could stretch a dollar
Like nobody’s business
She learned to play poker
Became the best I’d ever seen
Had only one vice, poor Mom
When she’d dip into the gin
That’s why to this day
I’ll never turn down
A Beefeater or Tangueray
In her honour, chin chin
Mom I love you
And I miss you,
Bottoms up !
Submitted on February 15, 2018 for contest GIN IN THE MORNING sponsored by JULIA WARD - RANKED 5TH
JACK DANIELS met JIM BEAM at the CANADIAN CLUB
to discuss their upcoming trip on the CUTTY SARK.
They were planning a vacation to a Caribbean cove
to get some SOUTHERN COMFORT.
JOHNNY WALKER, who had a disagreement with
them over their SLOE GIN game, wanted to
give them a SAKI. "VODKA ya think you're doing?"
chimed in GIBSON, who was a BEEFEATER sitting nearby.
"It's not like EARLY TIMES...so just wipe that
SMIRNOFF your face." A brawl would have started,
but a beautiful woman came in. "Look at them
COURVOISIERs," said the MARTIN MILLERs.
They noticed her ring with the BLUE SAPHIRE from
BOMBAY.
JACK DANIELS immediately lost interest in the argument,
and asked if he could sit with her. She agreed and he sat
down. He noticed that she had a B & B monogram on her blouse.
"I've not seen you here before...what's your name and where
are you from?" he asked.
In a charming southern accent she replied, "Ma name is
MARGARITA, Ahm new in town, and Ahm from HENNESSY."
When the waiter came over, they ordered two MINT JULEPS.
It was the start of a relationship that the DEWARS of them
enjoyed, especially when they bowled SCOTCH doubles together.
LIFE’S STRESSES
Day and night the Tower of London is guarded
By a guy in a special suit, known as a beefeater.
Should an equal-opportunity female suit be for a beefeatress?
And a woman skilled at making clothing is a seamstress -
Should an equal-oppo man similarly skilled be a seamster??
After all we have a Union of Teamsters,
So are female membership cards for teamstresses?
Should I start to use the formal form of address
By calling my colleague at school a teacheress?
Should I not use the old joke about a mistress
Being something between a mister and a mattress?
I am sorry to say,
there are no more olives today.
For gin, I have Beefeater and Tanqueray.
I also have Gordon’s, Seagram’s, and Bombay.
There are a few others you can see.
I have the best dry vermouth with Martini and Rossi.
I can put some together in a pitcher with ice.
Then I can stir it up until it is frosty and nice.
What was that you said, Mr. Gibson?
You want your drink served with a pearl onion?
I will go and see if they are around.
I am sure a jar of them can be found.
You stand alone, so full of brawn
Poise you have, that of a sitter
You stand steadfast, until the dawn
That weapon you wield, will always glitter
Your spirits remain high, never bitter.