Get Your Premium Membership

Humor Quotations

Humor quotations. Find, read, and share Humor quotations. These are the best examples of Humor quotes on PoetrySoup.

Post your quotes and then create memes or graphics from them.

Quote Left Politics is like trying to screw a cat in the ass. Quote Right
Quote Left INCEST: A game the whole family can play. Quote Right
Quote Left Time doth flit; Oh, shit. Quote Right
Quote Left Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever. Quote Right
Quote Left Alot of people ask me stupid fucking questions. Quote Right
Quote Left The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. And then you die. What's that? A bonus? I think the life-cycle is all backwards. You should die first and get it all over with. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young. You get a gold watch. You go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol and party. You get ready for high school. You go to grade school and become a kid. You play. You have no responsibilities. You become a little baby & go back into the womb. You spend your last nine months floating... Then, you finish off as an orgasm. I like it. Quote Right
Quote Left At one time or another I have insulted everybody, and I am proud of that. Folks, let me sum it up for you: I think religion is bad, and drugs are good. I think America causes cancer, longevity is less important than fun and young people should be discouraged from voting. I think stereotypes are true, abstinence is a pervsion, Bush’s lies are worse than Clinton’s and there is nothing sexy about being old or pregnant. I think 9-11 changed nothing, and if I had known the onset of war would add a hundred points on to Bush’s IQ, I would have started one. I think pornography stops rape, I think AIDS ribbons are stupid, and flag burning makes me feel patriotic. I think death is not the worst thing that can happen. I think people have too much self-esteem, and being drunk is funny. I think children are not innocent, God doesn’t write books, and Jesus wasn’t a republican. I am for mad cow disease, and against suing tobacco companies. I think girls hate each other, no doesn’t always mean no, you have to lie to stay married, women’s sports are boring, and the Olympics are gay. We’ll be on for another six weeks here on ABC… Quote Right
Quote Left My boyfriend told me he needed some space. I told him to join NASA. Quote Right
Quote Left I believe in a prolonged profound derangement of the senses. Quote Right
Quote Left Its not easy being a penis. I have a head I can't think with, an eye I can't see out of, I live with 2 nuts, my closest neighbor is an asshole, my best friend is a pussy and my owner beats me all the time. Quote Right
Quote Left The difference between a democracy and a dictatorship is that in a democracy you vote first and take orders later; in a dictatorship you don't have to waste your time voting. Quote Right
Quote Left It's a very savage kind of humor, it comes out of a great deal of pain. Quote Right
Quote Left Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he isn't. A sense of humor was provided to console him for what he is. Quote Right
Quote Left Humor does not rescue us from unhappiness, but enables us to move back from it a little. Quote Right
Quote Left Probably it is impossible for humor to be ever a revolutionary weapon. Candide can do little more than generate irony. Quote Right
Quote Left Life is like a box of chocolates. It's a cheap thoughtless perfunctory gift that nobody ever asks for. Unreturnable becuase all you ever get back is another box of chocolates, so you're stuck with this unidentifiable whipped mint crap that you mindlessly wolf down when there's nothing left to eat. Sure, once in a while there's a peanut butter cup or an English toffee, but they're gone too fast and the taste is fleeting. So you end up with up with nothing but broken bits with hardened jelly and teeth-shattering nuts. If you're desperate enough to eat that, all you have left is an empty box filled with useless brown paper wrappers.' Quote Right
Quote Left Wit is the lowest form of humor. Humor Quote Right
Quote Left The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it. Quote Right
Quote Left Humor is something that thrives between man's aspirations and his limitations. There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor is truth. Quote Right
Quote Left I have a suggestion that I think would help fight serious crime. Signs. There are lots of signs for minor infractions: No Smoking, Stay Off the Grass, Keep Out, and they seem to work fairly well. I think we should also have signs for major crimes: Murder Strictly Prohibited, NO Raping People, Thank You for Not Kidnapping Anyone. It's certainly worth a try. I'm convinced Watergate would never have happened if there had just been a sign in the Oval Office that said, Malfeasance of Office Is Strictly Against the Law, or Thank You for Not Undermining the Constitution. Quote Right
Quote Left He does have, underneath a sort of serious exterior, a really wonderful sense of humor, ... It rarely shows itself in the trial lawyer mode, but it certainly does in personal relationships. Quote Right
Quote Left Razors pain you Rivers are damp Acids stain you and drugs cause cramp Guns aren't lawful Nooses give Gas smells awful you might as well live Quote Right
Quote Left But we are at war, and we here at THE DAILY SHOW will do our best to keep you informed of any late-breaking...humor we can find. Of course, our show is obviously at a disadvantage compared to the many news sources that we're competing with at a disadvantage in several respects. For one thing, we are fake. They are not. So in terms of credibility we are, well, oddly enough, actually about even. We're about even. Quote Right
Quote Left Hello! How are you doing? You think time is precious, huh? Well, I would like to tell you, you just wasted about 7 seconds of you life reading this stupid thing. Quote Right
Quote Left Humor results when society says you can't scratch certain things in public, but they itch in public. Quote Right
Quote Left Chemistry is important and I think humor is important. We're looking for somebody who can do the interviews and also the hot topics at the beginning of the show. Quote Right
Quote Left Wit is the epitaph of an emotion. Quote Right
Quote Left Humor is my mechanism for dealing with the hard reality of the world. Quote Right
Quote Left The comic is the perception of the opposite; humor is the feeling of it. Quote Right
Quote Left Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day, teach a man to fish and he will spend all day in a boat drinking beer. Quote Right

Member Quotes About Humor

Quote Left Coward people doesn't exist, just people that lacks of motivation or humor to do things. February 2020. Quote Right
Quote Left Humor, surpresa e inesperado são a energia que liga a ação para fazer sempre mais e melhor. [...] atenção Humor, surpresa e inesperado são um recurso exclusivo. Nunca basta pedir, "você tem que sequestrar". Sequestre e se humor e a surpresa para fazer mais e mais. Quote Right
Quote Left Ria sempre para acreditar. Sempre ria para a vida, procure a felicidade. Ria muito, o riso sempre tira as pessoas das situações de infelicidade. Mesmo as tragédias são mais bem contadas com algum humor. A vida tem minutos de felicidade e tristeza misturadas. Portanto, as histórias somente sombrias são facilmente percebidas como irreal. Quote Right
Quote Left For when you need to answer back humorously to a friend that did something stupid, "Hoe, you didn't." (Only use when this when said friend did the thing you told them not to do.) Quote Right
Quote Left it's not humor it's humour you stupid American Quote Right
Quote Left The truth has no power over humor in the moment of entertainment, for people love their lies and fear their sins. Quote Right
Quote Left On old age: if you keep your sense of humor, you have kept your best sense. Quote Right
Quote Left humor is one of the ways to hide pain Quote Right
Quote Left My Dad was a good humored man, since his passing I've tried to be happy and not be so sad. Quote Right
Quote Left Humor is my shield in the big bad world. As long as I can keep laughing at the end of the day, I'll be fine, remember that. What is your shield? Quote Right