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Famous George Carlin Quotations

Best famous George Carlin quotations. Find, read, and share the best famous quotations by George Carlin. These are the most popular quotations and best examples of quotes by George Carlin.

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Quote Left Electricity is really just organized lightning. Quote Right
Quote Left Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy Quote Right
Quote Left Hobbies cost money but interests are free. Quote Right
Quote Left Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong. Quote Right
Quote Left Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? by Quote Right
Quote Left I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately Quote Right
Quote Left Always do whatever's next. Quote Right
Quote Left Regarding the Boy Scouts, I'm very suspicious of any organization that has a handbook Quote Right
Quote Left As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything. Quote Right
Quote Left Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy. Quote Right
Quote Left A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff. Quote Right
Quote Left I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately. Quote Right
Quote Left Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck Quote Right
Quote Left 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence? Quote Right
Quote Left Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. Quote Right
Quote Left Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac? Quote Right
Quote Left Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that. Quote Right
Quote Left I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks? Quote Right
Quote Left Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time! But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't handle money! Religion takes in billions of dollars, they pay no taxes, and they always need a little more. Now, you talk about a good bullshit story. Holy Shit! Quote Right
Quote Left Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it. Quote Right
Quote Left As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything Quote Right
Quote Left I have a suggestion that I think would help fight serious crime. Signs. There are lots of signs for minor infractions: No Smoking, Stay Off the Grass, Keep Out, and they seem to work fairly well. I think we should also have signs for major crimes: Murder Strictly Prohibited, NO Raping People, Thank You for Not Kidnapping Anyone. It's certainly worth a try. I'm convinced Watergate would never have happened if there had just been a sign in the Oval Office that said, Malfeasance of Office Is Strictly Against the Law, or Thank You for Not Undermining the Constitution. Quote Right
Quote Left I’d like to take advantage of this early opportunity to wish all of you an enjoyable Christmas season and a happy New Year filled with good fortune. Of course I realize this can’t happen for everyone. Some of you are going to die next year, and others will be crippled and maimed in accidents, perhaps even completely paralyzed. Still others will be stricken with diseases that can’t be cured, or will be horribly scarred in fires. And lets not forget the robberies and rapes – there’ll be lots of them. Therefore many of you will not be able to enjoy the happy and fortunate New Year I’m wishing for you. So just try and do the best you can. Quote Right
Quote Left We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing. Quote Right
Quote Left You have to be realistic about terrorism. Certain groups of people, certain groups, Muslim fundamentalists, Christian fundamentalists, Jewish fundamentalists, and just plain guys from Montanta, are going to continue to make life in this country very interesting for a long, long time. Quote Right
Quote Left The caterpillar does all the work but the butterfly gets all the publicity Quote Right
Quote Left The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in opposite directions. Quote Right
Quote Left I use the word 'fat.' I use that word because that's what people are: they're fat. They're not bulky; they're not large, chunky, hefty or plump. And they're not big-boned. Dinosaurs were big-boned. These people are not overweight: this term somehow implies there is some correct weight... There is no correct weight. Heavy is also a misleading term. An aircraft carrier is heavy; it's not fat. Only people are fat, and that's what fat people are! They're fat! Quote Right
Quote Left A whole lot of people are really not good at anything. Quote Right
Quote Left We're all fucked. It helps to remember that. Quote Right
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