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12/29/2017 12:52:27 PM
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Psychology
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The Adopted Mind
A backbone of bliss until abyss
You’ve been resoundingly rejected
By those dearest who care the most
To provide those needs so protected
Motley mothers throughout the world
Have sacrificed since the dawn of time
To find a way to cargo their children
Except for the one I mistaken mine
The excuse of poverty is so perilous
With youth and readiness an empty glass
To those thirsty for depth of personal truth
And rationale for this blatant bypass
The trauma of childhood separation
Is the center of my conscious core
An identity that won’t release my ego
As I scream and shrivel on the floor
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12/30/2017 11:05:26 AM
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Psychology
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Thank you for such a detailed review. Your skill of reading into the natural extension of emotional responses is excellent. The idea of editing to include the angst of what the mother probably experienced is creative and worthy of a second poem. Your ability to analysis content really shows your insight into the human condition. A word on psychology(my background): You used the word "cathartic" but then say dark poems don't free the writer. Well, catharsis(writing or speech) is a "freeing" experience and, in the world of psychotherapy, is used as a core technique. Again, thank you for such astute detail. Have a great day
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12/30/2017 11:30:37 AM
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What color do you see?
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I don't see a color either. Asking the reader a question is a way to engage. Yet, I just don't see a point here and its seems less like poetry and more like advertisement. Asking clients questions to engage them is a basic form of marketing. My suggestion is to focus on depth of content. Have a great day
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12/30/2017 11:38:03 AM
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The Doors of Perception
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The Doors of Perception
I thirst for a thousand shades of gray liquid matter,
And I crave to pass through humanity’s walls.
Unhinging the doors of subliminal perception.
Experience curiosity of reversed protocols.
The air is now light and the light is air.
The micro details of matter are now bare.
All life’s limitations are moving opportunities.
All flaws are perfect while perfection is rare.
Unravelling the beauty of the universe is vision.
The vision through doors, people, and atoms of all kinds.
Peaceful coexistence is purview of our purpose.
The doors of perception are signs posts of our minds.
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12/30/2017 12:04:53 PM
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Poem critiques
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In terms of your rhyme scheme, the main skill I focus on is how well it flows with the content and how natural it is. If the rhymes are too simple or tend to not make sense, it hurts your work. Take the 3 and 4th line of your 2nd stanza. The end rhymes of me and E.D. seems simple and just a bit awkward. Perhaps if you used a name, it would flow better and become more personal for the reader. Rhymes generally don't help your content a lot, so you need a solid concept or story first, sometimes rhymes add music to the story and sometimes they don't. I use rhyme scheme is most of my work as well, but I'm constantly editing for a natural flow.
Second, your ability to bring imagry to the reader is well done with your adjectives. To me, this is the real strength of this work and something to build on for the future. Third, in terms of conveying emotion, you begin to do so, but don't complet it. Take "The sky first grayed and then went dark" This seems to just be a description of the day. But, if you say in your heart, rather than just dark, you get your reader emotionally involved. HAVE A GREAT DAY
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12/30/2017 5:40:06 PM
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The Doors of Perception
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Jack, Thank you for such a detailed evaluation. Its from my existential collection with elements of sociology and physics. Perhaps, this piece leaves questions unanswered as you suggest. I'll keep that in mind as I edit. Gray matter and humanity walls are intended to help with perception. Perhaps, I need to make that clear. You ask: How can one walk through walls? Well, its a metaphor for human barriers.
Thank you for an honest critique and have a great day.
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1/1/2018 11:05:04 AM
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The manifestation of perfection
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The strength in this work lies in the blunt and vivid imagery that you create. I can visualize and feel the mournful blue and red hot anger--I think thats excellent. That being said, it can read a bit choppy due to the curt bluntness. "Don't leave anything out" is clear and direct, but lacks the flowing eloquence so often found in poetry. The same with "Use brazen colors" and "Make mistakes" that could be phrased with less rigidity and more uniqueness. So, your bluntness and imagery is good, but don't forget to be creative in your phasing. Have a great day
edited by Levi on 1/1/2018
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1/1/2018 11:24:23 AM
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Italia
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Its nice to see other languages in the mix, however, it could put off those who don't understand and can be risky from a poets point of view. Your emotion of longing in this verse is clear, but you don't go into detail from an emotional angle. Sand in feet and sun in eyes don't really describe the feeling of intense missing and desperation to return. Your have a great emotional motive for poetry, but you must find a way to get others to feel how you feel. Have a great day
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1/6/2018 3:17:08 PM
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The Doors of Perception
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Melanie,
Thank you so much for taking the time and effort to critique the verse. Your interpretations of the lines are accurate except for the last one. I was a little surprised that you took the time to re-write the entire piece as this is a critique only post. However, I will remember everything you said when I edit. I write in different styles; this is intented to parallel W. Whitman and I would agree that his work does seem cluttered. You're quite adept at reading in between the line. Have a great day, Levi
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1/6/2018 3:22:02 PM
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Changing Seasons
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Changing Seasons
Flying formations of harmony
The squawk of the geese high above
With the urgency of a fraternity
Southward bound to another love
Now misty and chilly comes the breeze
Twisting the first autumn leaves about
Entwines my lost seasons of time
Entangles my thoughts into doubt
Milestones of memory’s moments
I watch the children grow and leave
Silent screams of fleeting seasons
Or cordial captions for all achieved
My mind is a tool for a limitless heart
Like a sculptor with his chisel
A sense of loss is a carve of art
And a springboard for all that crystals
Savor the changing season sequels
As your pivot point progresses
To digress in a direction that equals
Dimensional time transgresses
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1/7/2018 3:57:15 PM
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Capture Him
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I like your imagery descriptions and I can see your canvas being painted--this is the strength of the verse. Your love theme is well done, but be careful of being a bit trite: "You are my sun and moon," sounds a little common for a creative person. In terms of your form and structure, I know one word lines and stanzas without breaks are trendy, but its not easy on the reader. It comes across as being choppy vis-a-vis flowing. I see a number of natural breaks you could make without altering meaning or effectiveness. I'm not sure that one or two word lines is achieving the emphasis that you seek. It reminds me of those who make bold or capitalize certain words for emphasis. Your writing skill is good enough to do that in your verse. Have a great day
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1/24/2018 1:19:05 PM
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VICIOUS CIRCLE
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Well, the first thing that strikes me is that each stanza is different in form and structure. That makes it feel a little disorganized. Its easy to correct if you want to condense some of the longer lines into a more precise meaning. Also, the greetings of "Hello" and "Hi" are so over used and generic, it lacks meaning. Maybe there was a "seduction of a smile" or the "enticement of glance". You want your reader to FEEL that they are there, so give them imagery they can relate to. Also, don't forget balance and rhythm to make it easier to read. Have a great day
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5/28/2018 1:29:18 PM
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Optical Illusions
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Primrose path
Sprinting sessions
From dark undergrounds
Never leave until unexpected
Admiration
Image collections
Optic characters imitations
Personality as a theatrical affair
Social fluency
Horse and carriage
Stepladder for gnomes
White concrete eclipsing the streets
Cigarettes
Music on Bourbon Street
Caged souls, walking zombies
Poverty weeps the loudest social lie
Existence
Revolving door exit
To doubt linear presence
Historic currency is a cold death
Ideology
Tall buildings
Redesigned inner child
Your snake skin is the verse of life
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6/28/2018 4:06:37 PM
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Questions (a different style)
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Do you feel subtly disconnected
Not yourself or somebody rare?
Do you want to escape this reality
Of dos and don’ts and affairs?
Do you wish to be wonderfully wealthy
Not toiling or taking or game?
Do you hunger for a genius mind
Rather than slave to dogmas of fame?
Do you view society as scheming
Not fair or equal or of trust?
Do you crave unconditional love
Rather than revolving door lust?
Do you long to live in human time
Not the clock or sun or moon?
Do you dream to evolve in a sphere
Rather than hide in a pleasant cocoon?
edited by Levi on 10/2/2018
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10/2/2018 4:34:52 PM
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Optical Illusions
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I need feedback on this piece. Thanks
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1
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