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1/4/2018 5:44:33 AM Dawn Baridor Posts: 1	Two perfect strangers On a train heading nowhere Aware life gets lonely with no companion He says "hello" She replies "hi" Smiles, like currency, are exchanged Enthralled by her nature so exquisitely delicate He yields to her subtle feminine power Her resistance bows in the face of his masculine charm Two hearts zings! Entwining two souls becomes inseparable Lost to a world of fantasy Whispers of sweet-nothings Anthem for their ears only Hearts swell, fluttering like butterflies Love flows, warm and free or was it?.... Questioning head sits to think As ephemeral pleasures evaporate into thin air Love grows cold and sour Scars remain while time heal gashes of ripped souls.... A hurting stranger Seeking redemption, meets another He says "Hello" She replies "Hi" the vicious circle, like broken record, repeats...
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1/24/2018 1:19:05 PM levi johnson Posts: 15	Well, the first thing that strikes me is that each stanza is different in form and structure. That makes it feel a little disorganized. Its easy to correct if you want to condense some of the longer lines into a more precise meaning. Also, the greetings of "Hello" and "Hi" are so over used and generic, it lacks meaning. Maybe there was a "seduction of a smile" or the "enticement of glance". You want your reader to FEEL that they are there, so give them imagery they can relate to. Also, don't forget balance and rhythm to make it easier to read. Have a great day
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1/29/2018 1:08:44 PM Stephen Wilson-Floyd Posts: 49	I like the beginning very much. You stayed in the specific. At "(e)nthralled...", you started to generalize. The admonition of "show" don't "tell" applies. True, you are using elevated language, but the reader he or she wants to take the journey with you. Love at first sight is magical. If you could bottle it in specifics like the glint of an eye or whatever.... The story departs toward the end and it was imagined. The speaker waits for yet another infatuation. The structure is good, with a pay off at the end just use specifics. Best wishes!
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