*Survival Tip # 4 *
What you should do if you are trapped behind enemy lines.
If you are in a war film there is a very good chance that you will be caught behind enemy lines at some point and it is important to know what to do so that you will not only be able to evade capture but also find romance while you await liberation.
First of all, you have become severed from the rest of your band of brothers who swore that they would never leave you behind. Which means, they have left you behind. Most likely this is the result of a misunderstanding as to your current status of still being alive. Someone has checked the other box in your instance. Please do not be too concerned about the mistake as it will work itself out in the end thus allowing those same band of brothers to come searching for you but still allowing you enough time to win over the affections of a small child, his beautiful newly widowed mother or the “raising her siblings alone” older sister or the young, beautiful, single aunt or the townswoman who has taken it upon herself to get the orphans to safety. (Careful, she may be a nun.) She is your best bet because the leg wound that you have contracted has given you the appearance of a lost puppy. Use that to gain her affections and ultimately her love. The leg wound is also significant in that as the bombed out shelter where you, she and the orphans have taken refuge in, begins to take mortar fire, only you are able to protect her from a collapsing wall by using your body as a shield. When the shelling is finished she will tell you that she is alright only then realizing that due to your wounded leg you have given every ounce of strength to save her and are now passed out in a fevered coma.
She will now nurse you back to complete health during one long night. She does this by tearing fabric from her clothing to use as a rag and then drenching it in water and placing it on your fevered forehead. You lucky dogface, if she is a French girl she will tear her skirt and reveal more leg than the sensors are comfortable with. If she is an Italian girl she will tear her blouse and reveal more cleavage than the sensors are comfortable with. If she is a Russian girl she will tear your clothing and no one will be comfortable with that.
By morning you will need a shave but you will be able to walk for great distances across rugged terrain with only a tree branch to use as a crutch. You and she seem to have a new yet unspoken understanding between you. Too bad you didn’t speak it because her understanding is that you seem to be good with children while it’s your understanding that oh what you would do with her if you could just get rid of these kids.
You will then find a church with kindly priests and nuns just inside of the enemy lines and you should be able to get back to your men tomorrow with any luck and so you settle in for the night and are just about to get your first real smooch when you hear the sound of heavy enemy equipment advancing from over the hill and headed right for the very church where you are hiding. From a broken window you see the head priest stop the enemy from setting up camp in the churchyard but can do nothing to stop them from camping in the countryside on the very road that you need to leave on in the morning.
Don’t panic. As an American GI you have an uncanny ability to blend in. Dress as a priest and have the girl dress as a nun. (Pray that she doesn’t have the habit with her.) You can then be off in the morning with the orphans in tow and no one will be the wiser. Remember, if an enemy soldier should stop you and speaks to you with a cigarette in his mouth, he is only asking for a light. Give him a match. If he says something else to you he is asking to see the papers which were forged by the kindly priest. They will fool him although since you have no understanding of what he is saying you will only smile and nod your head nervously. If after handing your papers back he signals you to move on but grabs the arm of the girl. He has designs on her that are less than honorable. Punch him in the jaw. This will render him unconscious long enough for you to steal his uniform and tie him up thus making him look like your prisoner. If any of his buddies see him just give him a hard shove and they will all hoot victoriously in your favor. Win/win I’d say. By the time that they figure out what has happened you will be on the other side of their camp and headed for friendly terrain.
They will be in hot pursuit, no one likes being teased up by a nun. Just as you think that the jig is up you’ll cross to the top of a rise and there before you will be an entire platoon of your buddies who have now figured out the mistake and have returned for you. I told you that they would.
Knowing these simple strategies will come in handy the next time that you find yourself trapped behind enemy lines in a 1940s-1960s war film. By the 1970’s this strategy will only work for our enemies in the film.
(NOTE: This applies to leading characters only. If you are a secondary character you will be killed by enemy fire as soon as everyone thinks that it is safe and takes out cigarettes.)