PLEASE PARDON MY BOAST

The following made the winner's in a comedy contest held by Humor Press. They even sent me instructions as to how to submit it to shows like Saturday Night Live, etc. As always thanks for taking the time to read this...

Emergency Rooms Just KILL Me -

Nurse: Briefly describe your pain
Me: Ouch
Nurse: On a scale from 1 to 10, how would you rate your pain?
Me: I dunno. Where's your scale?
Nurse: N-no sir, on a scale...
Me: Okay! 180 butt-naked
Nurse: When was the last time you had a physical exam?
Me: Well, me and this lady went out the other night...
Nurse: We'll need a stool sample
Me: YOUR stool or mine? Got a saw?
Nurse: We'll need to do some lab work
Me: Understood. It's hard to keep good help isn't it?
Nurse: Do you have a history of suicide?
Me: Umm...
Nurse: Are you having trouble urinating?
Me: Just a sec...Nope, no problem here
Nurse: Sh-t!!
Me: Just a sec...Nope, no problem here
Nurse: Son of a...How many fingers am I holding up??
Me: Aha! One in the the middle and four bent ones, right?
Nurse: I swear to g...Sign this freekin' admittance form!!
Me: No way! I deny the whole thing
Nurse: (Sigh) Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Hospitals....  

 

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Jayne Eggins Date: 2/22/2014 7:42:00 AM He he he loved it Tim well done :) Congratulations xxx love and hugs Jayne Login to Reply

Charmaine Chircop Date: 2/20/2014 3:40:00 AM : ) Login to Reply

Just That Archaic Poet Date: 2/17/2014 11:50:00 AM I was at the doctor's office this morning and told my partner, after overhearing a conversation, that you hear and see the funniest things sometimes in a medical setting. This fella must have been in his 70's and was talking to another gentleman who looked 40-ish and said (no joke): "Ever tried to smoke a joint and eat a peanut butter sandwich? Can't be done!" and they just laughed and laughed and I couldn't help but to snicker myself. You can't make this stuff up. Enjoyed your blog; thanks for posting! :) ~Chan Login to Reply

Tim Ryerson Date: 2/16/2014 5:39:00 PM Footnote: I DID get censored! The nurse says 'Oh, crap!' instead of the dreaded 'S' word...Close enough I suppose...This is the origional version that I posted on the Soup. Thanks everybody! Login to Reply

David Williams Date: 2/16/2014 1:46:00 PM Tim, this is excellent, ha love it...David Login to Reply

Nette Onclaud Date: 2/16/2014 11:11:00 AM aside fro this witty piece, you can do stand-up comedy, tim... high five to you!.. huggs Login to Reply

Carrie Richards Date: 2/16/2014 10:17:00 AM Yep !!! SNL........ just called back!! They want you to show up Monday morning!!!!!!! Login to Reply

Mandy Tams The Golden Girl Date: 2/16/2014 8:30:00 AM Big lol Tim, I have had many experiences in hospitals not dissimilar to that ....I was even tripped up by a doctor on the stairs once who went rushing past me while I was on crutches, taking my time getting down safely, I certainly got down quick then, I flew down and ended up in emergency. Login to Reply

Donna Jones Date: 2/15/2014 10:26:00 PM Tim Tim...your laughter rings thru the miles to me here...awesome..thanks..:-) :-) :-) :-) Login to Reply

Roy Jerden Date: 2/15/2014 5:27:00 PM All right!!!! At last some humor to follow up Ruben's last one! Good one! Login to Reply

Andrea Dietrich Date: 2/15/2014 5:01:00 PM hahaha. Congrats to you, my friend. I have always loved your sense of humor. Email for ya later!! I am off to the store now!! Login to Reply