I knew this piece likely never had a snowball's chance because of several factors, but some might like it.
“We have never heard the devil's side of the story, God wrote all the book.”
Anatole France
"I heard you wanted to see me Boss?", Lucifer asked.
"I can always see you Lucifer", replied God. "No, I wanted to meet with you. Why are you always messing with the language? I see you got the message and showed up on time for once."
"Yeah, but I don't understand something. I mean it seems kind of inefficient always sending angels around to deliver your messages. Too slow. The seraphim are faster, with the six wings and all, but there ought to be some kind of instant messaging system or something.”
"You see, Lucifer, that's what gets you in trouble, always trying to buck the system. Nooo, Lucifer knows better than God. You know I have to keep an eye on everything all the time, keeping track of all those fallen sparrows and whatnot. Sometimes, it's a real juggling act.
Anyway, I wanted to talk to you about your falling out with Gabriel. Kicked you out of the band, huh?"
"Yeah, said the fiddle didn't fit in with the new stuff. He wants to go all horns. Kicked out the harp player, too."
"Well, it might be for the best. You know I cut you archangels a lot of slack, considering all the great work you boys did on the Universe project and everything, but frankly Lucifer, you seem bored to me. Getting into trouble all the time. Idle hands and all that.
Now, Lucifer, you're the smartest guy I've got working for me, an independent thinker. I like that. You've got moxie, ambition, but you don't really fit into the culture up here. Too smart maybe, always introducing these disruptive ideas.
I want to assign you to a special project. I've come up with an plan to make life on Earth a bit more interesting and you could be a big part of it. You'd get to be your own boss, have your own organization reporting to you and everything. In fact you don't even have to report to me. The only downside is you'll have to relocate."
"Oh my God! Oops, sorry Yahweh."
"You know you're not to say my name aloud! Didn't you get the memo?"
"Sorry, sorry. I just got excited. Yeah, I did get the memo. Can't we find something lighter than those stone tablets? Anyway, wow! It sounds like a great opportunity. What would it involve, Boss?"
"I'll lay out the objectives, but you'll handle the details; you will always be in the details.
I've got to get those people out of the Garden of Eden and out on their own. They just lie around idle all the time and don't do a lick of work. That Adam is dumb as dirt, not too surprising considering that's what I made him from, but Eve is pretty smart. I did a better job making her, but by then I had some experience.
Anyway, the objective is to get them to grow up. There's no challenge in the Garden, so they will never amount to anything unless they get kicked out of the house. No pain, no gain as they say. I made them in my own image, but I can't make them perfect like me. OK, Lucifer, you can lose the eye rolling right now!
They'll have to evolve if I ever expect to have any decent company up here. No offense to you boys, by the way, even if you are legacy, but I want my own groupies.
"But won't they die outside the Garden? It's pretty rough out there. Everything dies."
"Well, that's true, but it's part of the plan. They'll breed like flies once they have the chance, and the younger ones will benefit from the experience of the older ones and be able to build on that, but the older ones will have to die or there will never be any progress. They will just hang on to power forever and never want anything to change. Enough with the eye rolling, already!
Anyway, I'll have an angel or two to watch over some of them. And they won't be dead forever. I'll bring them all back to life when I shut down the project."
"Wow! What happens then? There'll be thousands of them."
"More like billions, but sorry, no spoilers for now. I'll get this John guy to write it all down later. It's a whopper of an apocalypse, a real showdown.
Anyway, your first job is to get them to eat the forbidden fruit, so they can get some smarts. I put out the bait and was hoping they would sneak a taste on their own, but no dice. I'd suggest working on Eve, as Adam is clueless.
After that, your job is to generally stir up trouble, to keep them on their toes and not get too lazy. It shouldn't be too hard. You have the talent for it already. It will give you a chance to try out some of your improvement ideas. It's a good test environment. If they work out, we might adopt some for internal use.
Now listen. Once they know about you, they'll blame you for all their bad behavior even if you had nothing to do with it, so be ready for that.
And to even up the odds, I'll play with a handicap. They'll have just one day a week dedicated to me, plus a few others now and then, but you'll get most of the business the rest of the week.
So, do you want the job, Lucifer?"
"Do I have a choice?"
"I think you know the answer to that. But before you leave, let's get your makeover done."
!!!!!! Poof !!!!!!
"Dude! That is totally badass! Love the horns and the hooves! The other archangels will be so envious of the new equipment! So where's my new digs?"
"It's called Hell, nice and warm there, by the way. Head out the Pearly Gates and turn left. It's on the road paved with good intentions. The place needs a little fixing up, but there's plenty of room. You'll need it. You have a day to get your affairs arranged before you leave."
"Is that a regular day or one of those thousand-year days?"
"Don't be a smart-ass! Now get out of here! Go to Hell and don't come back!"
A day passes.
"Well, speak of the devil !", shouts Gabriel. "Hey dude, I heard about your promotion, if you can call it that. The old special project thing, eh? Listen, I just wanted to say no hard feelings or anything. Wish the best to you. By the way, what made you decide to take the gig?"
"He made me an offer I couldn't refuse..."
February 7, 2016