Self Critique of Haiku Critique 2

shining is the sun

festive fireworks on the beach --

gnats are jealous



Several persons said the lines were not connected. In haiku they have to be connected subjectively in order for the poem to make sense. Also the phrase must be grammatically connected. That is what no one would tell me. The two lines which read together to form the phrase may be lines 1 and 2 or lines 2 and 3. Because my cut indicater is at the end of line two that indicates lines 1 and 2 are connected. And they should be grammatically connected. The following would be a correct way to do it.

bright is the sun
as fireworks liven the beach --
the lotion repels gnats

This is not a gut shaking haiku but at least it is now haiku.

Line one gets rid of the alliteration, which is never good for haiku.

It gets rid of the line 2 alliteration (the fact of fireworks in broad daylight is not big deal at Myrtle Beach. It goes on 24/7 in holiday weeks.

This not only removes the personification of the gnats in line 3, it moves to being a positive subjective statement. Before, it was an intelectual supposition. Now I can see the gnats around my face and I can see they will not touch the lotion. They are subjectively connected to lines 1 and 2 because gnats are an integral part of life at the beach. If there is a dead calm day you either deal with them or go home and probably deal with them there if you are outside.

I enjoyed all the good comments and this was a very congenial learning tool. I will definitely do it again in the future.

Thank all of you for participating.