Self Critique of Haiku Critique 2 - Charles Henderson's Blog

shining is the sun

festive fireworks on the beach --

gnats are jealous



Several persons said the lines were not connected. In haiku they have to be connected subjectively in order for the poem to make sense. Also the phrase must be grammatically connected. That is what no one would tell me. The two lines which read together to form the phrase may be lines 1 and 2 or lines 2 and 3. Because my cut indicater is at the end of line two that indicates lines 1 and 2 are connected. And they should be grammatically connected. The following would be a correct way to do it.

bright is the sun
as fireworks liven the beach --
the lotion repels gnats

This is not a gut shaking haiku but at least it is now haiku.

Line one gets rid of the alliteration, which is never good for haiku.

It gets rid of the line 2 alliteration (the fact of fireworks in broad daylight is not big deal at Myrtle Beach. It goes on 24/7 in holiday weeks.

This not only removes the personification of the gnats in line 3, it moves to being a positive subjective statement. Before, it was an intelectual supposition. Now I can see the gnats around my face and I can see they will not touch the lotion. They are subjectively connected to lines 1 and 2 because gnats are an integral part of life at the beach. If there is a dead calm day you either deal with them or go home and probably deal with them there if you are outside.

I enjoyed all the good comments and this was a very congenial learning tool. I will definitely do it again in the future.

Thank all of you for participating.

Charles Henderson Date: 2/1/2012 10:38:00 PM Though alliteration, personification and simele are frowned upon they are allowed in certain instances. However, I have not had anyone bold enough to stick their neck out and give me an example of when they would be OK. I have asked some of the most well known haiku writers of today and to date have not received a definitive answer. Debra that certainly works for a haiku. Maybe you should write all of them on the quick draw. Tell you what. I will look through some of your haiku and if I find some that have need of improvement, I will soup mail and see if you wish to participate with it on this type of blog. How's that. I could include 4 or 5 and that should generate plenty of comment. You could make change and enter the revised in a comment for additional consideration or for confirmation that it is now better or worse and why. Pd if your son can find out when it is ok to use poetic device in haiku, let me know. I'm shooting blanks with that one. Login to Reply

Poet Destroyer A Date: 2/1/2012 8:26:00 PM my son is studing haiku, and alliteration in school... i will share your blog with him.. take care,..pd Login to Reply

Debbie Guzzi Date: 2/1/2012 5:29:00 PM I believe alliteration is one of the few devices allowed Chas? Login to Reply

Sara Kendrick Date: 2/1/2012 3:04:00 PM Interesting ideas about Haiku..Sara Login to Reply

Debra Squyres Date: 2/1/2012 2:09:00 PM Ripened peach nectar, - dripping over lips to chin sweet, - seasonal delight. How's that?? Login to Reply

Debra Squyres Date: 2/1/2012 2:07:00 PM Ripened peach nectar dripping over lips to chin, sweet seasonal delight How's that for a quick haiku hopefully following your above comments. Login to Reply

Kabuteng P.Ink K. Date: 2/1/2012 11:37:00 AM Oh! Ok, wow, now that is much clearer for me to see! Haha goes to show what I know about haiku -- heehee :) this sure was an eye opener for me, Charles :) thank you and ok, haha thanks now I will stop talking about fireworks in broad daylight ;) I hope to see more of these in the future :D -- and hmm what Chris says below about having volunteers put up their haiku for critique would be really cool as well :) I'd be willing to be a haiku guinea pig :D Login to Reply

David Williams Date: 2/1/2012 10:46:00 AM Charles great blog and lesson, thanks you have made it just a little bit clearer..David Login to Reply