Long Sabotaging Poems
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The mind is an amazing key
With the right guidance words will trigger memories
From anger and rage to double personalities
Emotions will rise like the oceans tides
Your muscles will twitch with every cellular connection
Hurt, denial abandonment too
Like a looking glass into the past everything is a reflection of you
And not everything you see will be rosy and clean
Tears and overwhelming fears our bodies remember the slightest infraction
Our habits and beliefs play a major role too
Pain and suffering are a big part of what makes us do the things that we do
Without remorse or a second thought we push things to the back of our minds
But all through our lives we can feel something is just not right
We search for those answers like a child playing hide and seek
Sometimes we will get hints and images to help us remember and think
We’ll catch a glimpse from another life as it rises to the top
Like the coming attractions of new movies your mind plays them through the night
You’ll see your kids, wife and family but as soon as you zoom in to see you
Everything fades to white and suddenly your heart starts beating faster
All the rage and anger start rising up again
Each memory triggers another memory it’s a never ending process
And it’s not an easy path however when you consider the alternative
And you look at the life you have so far lead it is kind of like neo in the Matrix
Once you take that pill there is no going back.
You realize the program you’ve been following has been sabotaging you since birth
It’s a negative dysfunction that only supports your inevitable destruction
Debilitating thoughts that are is still playing from long, long ago
These idea’s became part of your core belief and it’s time to let them go!!..
Abusing yourself no longer serves you its time to learn how to heal
Gently open up your heart and allow people to help you feel
As I read my own words I envision a group of healers circling me with compassion
Each one in the there own way helping me to release these toxic fears
I’ve been poisoned by my own family from generation to generation
And I fought for years to stay positive but their abusive habits still affected me deeply
through their yelling, screaming and verbal attacks that numbed me in my years
I am uncertain what saved me but it could’ve been that angel I’d seen holding me dear
Form:
Why me father/daughter relationship
important to this papa
Fourteen and a half years
since death of mother (mine),
nary one iota of communication
in general and compassion
in particular while
she lived, now wears
heavy and yokes
mantle fostering tears
indirectly sabotaging rapport
with eldest daughter
futility doth arise uttering
feeble secular prayers,
cuz interaction with mother,
whose vehemence more
deafening than banshee killdeers
exceeding threshold of
decibels tolerable these ears.
Now comeuppance came
full family circle, yes
that's her within picture frame,
when young, innocent, and beautiful,
decades before terminal
illness rendered her
incapacitated and lame.
Her second of
three born offspring,
and yours truly
that singular boy
figuratively tethered himself
to her apron strings,
which near omnipotent
biochemical bond her
rancor would destroy,
when lonesome son
failed to employ
purported adult responsibilities
solitary without any
even one homeboy
never knowing how
to maximize potential
rather totally tubular at loss
advantageously to deploy
supposed ducks in a row
always imp pond
durable feeling cast ahoy
shore lee within alien nation,
whereby village people
observe an exceptionally
unresponsive immovable
lad - qua zee decoy
analogous to stonewall,
albeit socially withdrawn
emotionally, physically,
and socially retracting
exhibiting no joy,
nor any audible,
tactile or visible life
stockstill like an
abandoned broken toy.
Silence spoke volumes mainly
I don't wanna be alive
antithetical to that basic
instinct to survive
protestations arose deliberately
minus figurative parachute,
I took kamikaze nosedive
a couple years after two times five
orbitz astride planet Earth
ne'er did amity, comity,
fraternity ever jive,
nope not even pleasant hello
would fake deaf/mute contrive
interaction between kith and kin
affection toward parents
and siblings (two sisters,
not twisted) I did deprive,
whence fast forward decades later,
a metaphorical wedge would drive
roughshod o'er kinship,
when fatherhood did arrive
though "star student" did connive
him (me) to test discomfort zones,
yet more often than not inclusive
integration abandoned among
linkedin with kindling explosive
smoldering volcano found
wicked volatility expressive.
Nestled under blankets,
the gentle whirring sound
soothes the savage beast
within mine body electric
of one generic, opportunistic,
and wholistic garden variety man.
Within blink of closed eye
yours truly transported
into the realm of deep sleep
benumbed to reality as unconscious guy
experiencing dynamic vivid dreams
courtesy Fluoxetine Hcl
(C17H18F3NO·HCl)
known as Selective
Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor (SSRI),
especially prescribed to treat
depression, panic disorder,
and obsessive-compulsive disorder.
Holmes tower fan whooshing air
analogous to sonogram (ultrasound)
infiltrates slumbering snorer (me)
best not to awaken papa bear,
cuz he will roar loud and clear
disrupted sleep upends ability to function
no joking psyche riddled
with profound anxiety and despair
subsequent havoc wrought
on par whereby mailer daemons ensnare
co opting, conquering,
and compromising blissful state
deadened head reveling
within private webbed world
regarding unscripted drama deep inside
temporal lobe of brain,
the hippocampus might conjure
time traveling circa Renaissance faire
wordsmith metaphorically possessed
remonstrated by fire breathing dragon
evidenced fiery breathing
affect nostrils to snort and flare
awoke from necessary dreams,
I would angrily glare
frightfully enough to induce goosebumps,
and raise every small hair
along spine uncontrollable fury
communicating shattered functionality
essentially rude awakening would impair
ability to experience joie de vivre.
Debilitating panic attack invariably triggered
similar to Tonga underwater volcano
eruption January 15th, 2022
constituting physiological displeasures
chiefly vertigo, racing heart, nausea,
excessive perspiration, adrenaline
coursing thru body,
whereby Prozac (brand name regarding
aforementioned synthesized chemical)
ameliorated unbearable,
unmanageable, untenable...
earth-shaking, devastating,
and crushing manifestations
disabling, exhausting, hijacking,
jackknifing, sabotaging, and wrecking
life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness.
Kickstarting psychological equilibrium
linkedin with savoring at least bajillion winks
else sixty plus shades of gray matter methinks
knotted courtesy cerebral gordian knotted kinks
yours truly feels discombobulated
teetering and tottering atop brinks
of figurative precipice.
it's September and the new school year is now off the ground
but there's this crazy phenomenon happening called dumbing down
basically our children have decided that it's not very cool
if you're seen as being someone who's very smart in school
they're getting grades on the level of just barely passing through
for if you look too smart the others will make fun of you
but what the generation of today fails to see
is that education is the key to greater opportunity
when I think of the struggle my ancestors had in order to get educated
to be given a chance to one day become economically elevated
then I look around the word and have come to realize
that children in third world nations see education as a great prize
dumbing down is the latest form of mental slavery today
sabotaging our children's success and stopping their equal pay
to follow the status quo just to appear cool
dumbing down their assets to act like simple fools
no marketable skills and no chance to succeed
emulating those artists who rap about money, violence and greed
how will they ever compete in this global economy
when they don't even possess a basic college degree?
dumbing down their assets instead of doing them up
walking around wondering why they now have empty cups
they need to use that gift from God which is their smarts
and get that education which in life will give them a head start
and whatever they go on to do in their lives be it in either word or in deed
pray that they do it in Jesus' name and plant a mighty seed
don't let the world discourage them and attempt to keep them down
elevate them in Jesus' name and plant them on higher ground
they run around with their pants hanging off their butts and doo-rags on their heads
looking like street gang executioners and not Wall Street executives instead
as parents we've got to do our best to make sure they get educated
as parents we've got to pray for them and make sure in the Word they're elevated
so pray for them, cry over them and help them to do their best
encourage them and let them know they can be better than all the rest
the children are our future, our hope and our legacy
so make sure as parents that they get every opportunity
making it great in 2008 by telling your kids to do it up and not dumb down
just make sure you do it in Jesus' name and with love abound
What formerly got celebrated as adventitious age of exploration...
1492 unleashed, jump/
kick started, and downloaded
a bittorrent götterdämmerung
spelling genocide of indigenous peoples
occupying Turtle Island,
now surviving tribes
just a shell of their former grandeur.
At present Columbus day
linkedin with high dudgeon
courtesy scattered remnants
of once proud nations
occupying contiguous United States
plus calling Alaska and Hawaii
their happy hunting grounds,
enshrine actual or mythologized
spectacular pièce de résistance
instances when counting coup.
I recollect needing to know
scores of years ago
when a student attending grade schools
within Lower Providence District
as an important bit of information
contributing to (white washed) history
of western civilization
(and never forgot)
recalling the names Nina, Pinta,
and Santa Maria associated
with heroic measures undertaken
by Cristóbal Colón,
(but also been referred to,
by himself and others, as Christoual,
Christovam, Christofferus de Colombo,
and even Xpoual de Colón)
five hundred and thirty years ago,
who purportedly "discovered"
the Americas, when in
fact native occupants of the land
already dwelled upon
the then island paradises.
He/him and subsequent swashbuckling
gung-ho high spirited men
set sail across expanse of ocean(s)
exhibiting eager intent to claim
untrammeled storied quintessentially
opulently magnificent kingdoms
intoxicating greedy Europeans.
Blatant exploitation inexorably nudged
courtesy trickery vis a vis hook and crook
to grab good & plenty treats
forcibly wrested by violence
sabotaging the delicate webbed wide world
constituting millenniums of heavenly bliss,
where marauders wantonly ransacked
indeed lacking absolute zero selflessness
forcing diverse autochthonous nations
to acquiesce and surrender
ancestral grounds to aggressive, coercive
and offensive Europeans hell bent
to populate occupied territory
commandeering, humiliating, manhandling,
poisoning, subdividing, triangulating
every square inch
encompassing fruitful grand home
of rightful heirs to stolen
near boundless tracts
eventually hashtagging uncharted
pristine green acres
spanning from sea to shining sea
becoming commercial real estate
falsely claiming a haven
housing home of the free
land of the brave.
VOICES”
There are voices crying out loud screaming for help in the wilderness
In need of spiritual healing Im uncertain if anyone else even notice or are they hearing them
They are lost and broken draped in total despair
Thirsty spiritually starving in famine visually impaired
Chewed up and swallowed by the noxious cracks of the asphalt
After relentlessly roaming the undefeated streets
Blind tunnel vision in survival mode they could never compete
Devoured by the trauma in life they simmered in their bottomless pits of defeat
Mis-led by lack
Neglected in lax they would impulsively react
Wearing careless unnecessary consequences across their backs
Immune to daily afflictions
Their paradise was the hood that they live in
Tragedy, Poverty, Hustling, Guns, Death
Fatherless figures oppressed
Driven by currency as the enemy put them to its test
In their minds streetlife is the only life I know mentality dressed
Our young minorities are now the soldiers on the front lines making ruckus
Enticingly introduced to straps they’re lost their focus
Juvenile bred hitman so the stiff felonies wont stand a chance
How can we reach and assist them to cope with their voids
Without any possibilities of hope how could we approach
The lost and broken toys
Thats in the wilderness making all that noise
How can we manage their self-sabotaging outlets of addictions
Whats healing and fixing
The abusing distributing or using
Premeditated death dates
Suicidal temptations another form of escape
The mind is a battlefield and its hard to find peace in the midst of confusion when life on life terms get real
So their reality is only an illusion in the midst of their confusion
I hear voices crying out loud in the wilderness
And I pray that someone reach them in enough time to heal them
Before this lurking evil kill or steal them
Lets be the beacon that guides them toward the light
Exposing them to a more significant purpose
Oppose to living life so reckless and worthless
Expressing to them that all things are possible with a reach
You can find your significance by defying the odds if you just stop and listen to the words that the redeemer speaks
A change will come
Even with gradual progression we all will eventually overcome and make it to our real paradise up in heaven
Voices
It started when I was a child
I was a kid with a gift
That no one understood or recognized
Instead of loved I was picked on and ostracized
However I blocked it all out
But little by Little its all coming back
Like layers of an onion
That held me tightly wrapped
Bits and pieces of my memory
That were hidden away in code
Deep within my mind a door was closed
I?ve reached in to remember because my life is now in jeopardy
All the emotional and sexual abuse that I closed off to survive
Has been staring at me sabotaging my life
This life is not what I have dreamed and I am dying inside
And if I don?t face the truth of what was done to me
Then I will surely become the monster that I despise
And as the tears bellow up
I again take another breath
Like soot in a fireplace and a hair ball in a cat
I cough up the toxic memories
As images flash through my mind
With my face in the toilet I begin to cry
My body begins to stiffen as nausea rises to the top
I then begin to wail from deep in my chest
It?s a hideous cry that sends chills down my spine
As I grit my teeth and hang on for dear life
A thought runs through my mind why.. why.. why.. why.
I?m tired of the black outs
I?m tired of the fear
I?m tired of the loneliness that have held me prisoner here
I?m tired of the pain and suffering that has come in my parents name
I?m tired of all the trauma and I?m tired of all the drama
I?m tired of the neglect that?s been perpetrated on my soul
Keep your hands off of me, keep your beliefs away from me
From all the mental abuse and all the negative remarks
And you still don?t see how you?ve damaged my sensitive heart
I?m tired of hearing all the denial
I?m tired of hearing how there is nothing wrong with you
I?m tired of you blaming everyone else but you
I?m tired of hearing how you hate this and you hate that
I?ve tried for years to heal this wound
But it seems to have spread to my nephew too
I don?t know what else to do
I even ruined my only serious relationship to get revenge
In my mind I justified their crime
From all the bad advice and all the dysfunctional decisions
And I thought I was reversing everything
When I vowed never to get married and have kids
But that sabotaging act has done me more damage
Fraught as an extremely socially anxious younger person...
hashtagged introvertedness trademark
silently exorcised, ostracized, and vilified
Impossible mission to resuscitate...
a forsaken promising
(even short lived) friendship
regardless of expressed gender
exhibited by other persons from yesteryear.
When trying to jump/kick start
lapsed meaningful interpersonal connections
from much earlier in my life
absence of a spark to kindle
once upon a time
valuable linkedin treasured bond
bereft of dynamism.
Folly entertained courtesy yours truly
bafflingly, desperately, and futilely
grasped elusive chimera
sabotaging rare occasion,
when fate smiled benignly,
I botched, damned, forfeited...
overarching golden opportunity
to experience sustained
positive rapport with compatible
lass or lad to accompany me
thru travails or buzzfeeding
a "lost" boy
with words of encouragement.
Now as an emotionally freighted
Unitarian, sexagenarian,
nonestablishmentarian, omnivore
psychologically perturbed,
rankled, tortured, vexed
bully me I got
repeatedly severely traumatized
similarly hectored by parents
issuing threatening ultimatums
no surprise I surrendered
to proclivity when showered
with affection courtesy
consensual sexual intimacy
(minus the use of birth control)
eventually married the gal,
whose child I helped beget these last
twenty seven and a half years
to a woman, (who after numerous
illicit marital transgressions)
forgave her leftist
write minded husband,
regarding his lascivious, promiscuous,
and salacious engagements
though would not tolerate
(understandably, necessarily, logically)
even platonic female relationships,
nevertheless does unconditionally
accept him mental health issues,
and all told comprise
obsessive compulsive behavior,
anxiety/panic attacks
palmar hyperhidrosis,
considerably alleviated courtesy
nine prescription medications
Aetna Medicare Advantra
picks up the tab without any co-pay.
I cannot help but wince
with twenty twenty hindsight smarts,
nurse misgivings and hanker with
shutterflying, recurring, plaguing melancholy
where passivity punctuated
the first two decades of mein kampf.
Rewrote our History books for the world to see
A worthier Icon there could never be,
Born and died over the span short of a century,
Baba Madiba became South Africa’s first Black
President in April 1994, finally, eventually!
Nelson Mandela was destined for this role,
As the masses empowered, flocked to the pole
A lawyer, an activist, a prisoner, a free soul,
His peaceful anti apartheid activism, a thorn
In the Government's side, but after Sharpeville,
His sabotaging tactics against those opposing
The ANC, brought about his arrest, his only desire
The African National Congress to be recognized
Was his goal.
He was incarcerated, but at his trial, he defended
His people with heartfelt passion
He would one day he promised
Become their liberator and stop inhumane
Tyranny – for this end he was prepared to die,
Outside the court among the masses, there
Wasn’t a dry eye.
And no bloodshed did South Africa see,
As was anticipated, rumours abounded, but
A kind, intelligent and brave leader, imprisoned for
Twenty seven years,
Changed an era with peace and raised no fears.
He was a much loved President by black and white,
He was elected for two terms, after which until he
Died, became a worldwide renown humanitarian
Across the globe international leaders
Praised and revered this humorous, intellectual
Man who chose to be honest, just and right.
He passed on December 5th at the age of 95 in
2013, indeed a sad event.
Which not even the Almighty could prevent.
Known lovingly as, Baba Madiba, Father Madiba
In Africa, our vast Continent, a multiracial face
Began to appear, no matter the race.
When he died,
By his side,
Were his loving children
And grandchildren and Graca Machel, his wife,
Who with Baba Madiba,
Shared a happy marriage and life.
A hero who cemented together a democratic state,
When the entire world thought, it was already too late.
* SHARPEVILLE A MASSACRE OF UNARMED BLACK SOUTH AFRICANS BY POLICE FORCES
* BOTH PRESIDENT MANDELA AND EX PRESIDENT DE KLERK JOINTLY RECEIVED THE NOBEL
PRIZE FOR REALIZING THE TIME HAD COME FOR PEACE, AND THEREFORE BRINGING
APARTHEID TO AN END.
Written: March 14, 2025, for contest Sponsored by: Kai Michael Neumann
***********************
On that obsidian night,
I found your flawless face,
echoing with illuminated breaths
and hushed whispers from Mulberry Trees
The sunset swan song lingers.
in a warm twilight embrace.
Springtime ushers in butterflies,
dancing in a garden of flowers.
The gentle breeze serves as music,
and they flutter about for hours.
Each butterfly dons its finest attire,
softly adorned by
the petals they cherish.
Their movements are a ballet in the air
adding beauty to the garden,
a delightful sight so rare.
Threads of turmoil
dance across a colorful sky.
Glimmering gazes gather,
grinning at the edges with grace.
From waves of sorrow to deep love,
Break free and soar high.
Graceful transience
crossed my path,
your porcelain pout
spoke profound truths.
I shuddered, sobbing and shrieking.
The tattered threads tore apart.
As we breathe in gentle impermanence,
We draw sunlight with our breaths.
A fractured mind finds restoration.
as resilience blooms from the foundation.
Carefree smiles, now bear marks,
dimples etched by time hand,
and a final stretch carved
in a meadow so serene.
The gravel path beneath our feet,
worn and rugged through the years,
bears witness to fading sparkles
as daylight slowly slips away.
Lucent lanterns of fireflies
flicker upon ebony stems,
scarlet petals soaked
in the soft morning mist.
My fist of frustration.
clutched self-sabotaging shadows,
resilience radiates through
rooted in steadfast resolve.
Ebony stalks with olive leaves
Hold scarlet blossoms high.
Desperation grasp weakens,
releasing doubts into the soft azure sky.
The sultry sun sinks behind it.
racing storm-filled clouds,
reflecting life’s ever-shifting
kaleidoscope—our trials laid bare.
We craft unframed dreams.
from a hidden lattice unseen,
built on unwavering hope
where despair has often lingered.
Sacred truths uphold
support amid the sunset’s glare,
embracing complexities —
Love's chaotic dance is laid bare.