Long Humor life Poems
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People are losing their sense of humor
everything is now offensive
A good laugh from comedy
is now a bad thing
A compliment, a smile, an common word usage
is now offensive
Satire is no longer funny
Any view different from yours is now racist
Worry, anger and guilt and hate
are the new pleasures that never please
Sometimes I watch my little dogs play
the simplest of things gift laughter
So nice when a friend unexpectedly calls to say hi
walking together with your love hand and hand
Being witty, silly or just joking around
Happiness is waiting for the world to rediscover
laughter is the sound of freedom
Even in sickness and with deep sadness
I pray I will die laughing
I seem to have misplaced my keys
Could you help me find them please?
They’re not in the house, not in the car
I’ve even looked in my guitar
It’s as if they’ve gone, in a big black hole
No, I don’t do parties where they go in a bowl.
Would they, could they be with the remote?
Nope just bloody found that in my coat.
I’ve retrieved socks and toys, some hair ties too,
I think I’m desperate, now my hands in the loo
Maybe they might be, inside the cat
Two ticks with a knife we’ll soon check that.
I’ve just found my credit card, under the bed
What was the wifes bra doing out in the shed?
I must be suffering, from some mental block
Oh what a dork I am, there they are in the lock
Right I’m running late, time to leave home
Now, just where did I, leave my phone?
Lickety-split, I sit up and look at the clickety clock,
oh my gosh, why am I lollygagging in this cozy bed;
I am going to be so late for dance class, I better skedaddle,
so I canoodle my cats (hugs and kiss that is);
and like a flash I am out of bed!
Oh dear, what a rigmarole of unnecessary complexity,
I run to the kitchen and open a tin of, oh so stinky fish;
for the fur balls, (no accounting for taste,) my tummy rumbles,
I dress in my pink dance pants, brush my teeth;
I look in the mirror, holy macaroni!
I was going to wash the mop last night but didn't,
oh well, the flat iron turns me into a Cleopatra star;
then, I look outside, snow, lots of snow, blast I need boots,
oh yes under the bed where I flung them;
what a stupid kerfuffle!
Walking to dance, a bus sprays with me with slush,
darn nincompoop, I am thinking to myself and then;
a loud honk, and a car roars pass me, I almost have a stroke,
I finally make it and the receptionist says- cancelled,
cancelled, oh la-di-la, that's great!
I am walking back home when I step into a deep puddle,
and my feet are now soaking wet, I am just exhausted;
I will crawl back into my bed for a snoozle I say to me self,
but I am waylaid by my old fuddy-duddy neighbor;
dearie,(she whips out a grocery list)!
You know, I cannot walk in the snow, meantime her cat,
a fat Persian rubs my legs and I have fur from knees down;
but what can a girlie do, I turn around and hocus-pocus its done,
finally, I am standing in my bedroom all tatterdemalion,
like a child in rags, I feel like weeping!
And then I notice the collywobbles in my tummy,
like butterflies swirling, and then a great rumbling;
oh, damnation, I need something to eat, so I gongoozle,
stare that is, into the refrigerator, close the door, slam;
and grab a handful of cockamamie cookies!
_________________________
January 26, 2017
Poetry/Narrative/Lickety-Split
Copyright Protected, ID 17-8691-18-0
All Rights Reserved. Written Under Pseudonym.
Submitted to the contest , Any Poem Written in January 2017
Sponsor, Laura Loo
First Place
Another tough day in the life
Of a dog like me can’t you see
My humans are ill-trained
So waking them requires several techniques
Laying on their heads to get them up
Or pulling the covers off works most days
Then I take them out for a walk
This is annoying as I often have to go pee
They eat more meals a day than I do
This requires me to monitor them while they dine
Looking up at these beings giving them the evil eye
Sometimes guilt’s them into sharing
Getting them to play is often a task
Pretending to be interested in playing ball tedious
When napping I often keep one eye open
This ensures they don’t leave without my knowing
Upon their returning to my home
That I let them share with me
I jump up and down trying to look enthusiastic
This makes them feel good, so I do it every time
Generally speaking I have trained these two well
Mostly they behave but every once I have to bark at them
I rescued this pair at a shelter
So I wasn’t sure what I was getting myself into
Pee is certainly for prostrate
As my bladder keeps busting a move
Where the places I go, first thing I want to know
Kindly where is the loo
As the older I get, the more that I fret
I'll never make it in time
With my back to the wall as nature calls
Informing me I best get in line
Every place that I go hoping the river flows
But most of the time it's only a stream
Where I find that I stand in front of a dam
Keeping me from my goal to pee
With the constant urge for all that I'm worth
A prime candidate for adult diapers
The older I get the more of a mess
I just hope I die before they hire a wiper
With the daily chore going from door to door
Finding relief whatever it takes
I'm reminded again every time I'm in the can
Pee is certainly for prostrate
Age is over rated
I went from cute and cuddly
To terribly two
In the flip of a calendar
From being inquisitive
To being nosey
From pre-teen
To A TEENAGER
Meandered
Through the military
Into construction
And against the Vegas spread
Married
And became a father
AGE
That sly bastard
Has made me
A grandfather
And a great grandfather
I have taught them all
To spit, to curse,
To love
Even the seemingly
Un-lovable
Age has slowed me down
Stolen my fastball
It has not been able
To wither my wit
Stifle my laughter
Or contain my enthusiasm
I still laugh
Too loud and too often
Too frequently at the “wrong” things
The children and grandchildren
Share their “Papa stories”
Most include mud puddles
A few scars from the jungle bars
H U G E….ice cream sundaes
Getting hit by a baseball
He threw to show you
It wouldn’t hurt that much
To get hit by the pitch
I may be getting “old”
But age had better be ready
When I round third
Headed for home
He’d better be holding the ball
With both hands
Cuz there will be
A collision
Before I’m
Called… “OUT”
Is it fair that youth is beauty
That the best we can ever be
Is before we are twenty three
Why can't a wrinkle be sexy
Who says grey hairs are icky
Contact lenses are too tricky
Comfort and ease of eyeglasses
Tri focal eyeglasses
But why, but how, when
Did youth escape and old fogey begin
The burden of life's responsibilities
The worry of offspring indeed
The need for success
The desire to impress
That weather our smooth silky skin
Into worn leather feel rough and thin
Tooth loss and baldness
Nose hairs and body aches
Disease and numbness
Hot flashes and body shakes
Dimming of senses
Enlargement of ears
Shrinking by inches
New things are fears
Tired blood and blue veins
Forgetting whats her name
Corns and bunions
Yelling at them youngins
Jello instead of steak
Maalox replaces milkshakes
Eat dinner at four asleep by nine
Can't believe the speed of time
Is it fair that youth is beauty
Why can't being old be better
Then aches from change of weather
To using a cain instead of raising it
Gumming a steak until you can't spit
Just think how sexy you will be
If you finally reach forty three
Lets change our perspective
Not be so narrowly selective
Enough of the smooth shapely firm
Cute bouncing buns we had and yearn
Let's hear it for the pale faded
Wrinkled saggy way nature made it
Posteriors of the more mature crowd
On second thought without my glasses
Youth is beauty
Enjoy while its yours
Can you believe I finally made it this far?
Wanna hear my five-year-old birthday dream?
I want a grenade, a pop gun, an exploding cigar,
milk duds and a cone of chocolate ice cream.
To get to fifteen took me forever.
Now, I fall in love five times a day at a glance.
I need a birthday miracle that’s clever -
a way to get in Janet’s pants.
With work and kids, I’m up to my ears.
How did I get into trouble so deep?
All I want, as I turn thirty years,
is one night of continuous sleep.
At fifty, it has been such a long road,
and I’ve now lost a bit of my fire.
My ambitions have been somewhat slowed.
But for college tuition, I’d wish to retire.
Seventy? How the heck did it come so fast?
The things that I hope for as the sun wanes,
is that this year will not be my last,
and a moment without aches and pains.
The older I am
The older I get
Finding myself doing the same
Thing, again and again
Nothing in life
Ever much changes
I'm so predictable
But then you knew I would say this
It all has to do
With my attitude
But then again
This tidbit you knew
I wake in the mornings
Shower and shave
The very same way
I do every day
I put on my trousers
One leg at a time
First with the left
Then with the right
Same with my shoes
I follow suit
First with the left
Well, you know what I do
A bowl of Cheerios
Every morning for breakfast
I've done this before
So you know that I've got this
After all that
I let out the cat
Where he starts the first of many
Afternoon naps
Down on the corner
By 8:05
And just like I am
The bus is always on time
I'm predictable
In all I do and say
Just looking at me
Gives that away
I get to the office
Sit down at my desk
And just like the cat
All day I nap
Back at the corner
By 5:05
Here comes the bus
Still right on time
Make it back home
Let the cat in
Sit down to dinner
Me and my feline friend
Predictable
In all that I do
My trouser routine
Works for my jammies too
Exactly at 9
I'm tucked into bed
So I'm fresh in the morning
To do it all over again
I'd tell you different
But won't play you the fool
Cause we all know that I am
Predictable
I am not a violent person
in any physical way,
but if love were a fight
I would fight you this day.
If love were a fight,
I would fight you all night
under twinkling stars
by the full moon light.
If love were a fight
I would fight you near the Ocean,
where the rolling weaves
are poetry in motion.
I would fight you in the depths
of the deep blue sea.
As your lover,
I would fight you
for every moment
you spend with me.
If love were a fight
I would fight you in the desert,
as twilight sets fire
to the sun baked sands,
I would fight you
across the mountain tops,
I hope you understand.
That I will never tire in my desire,
nor will I seek any rest.
Fore I will give it my all,
and fight you
with my last breath.
If love were a fight
I would show no mercy,
give no quarter,
respect no time line
demarcation or border.
I would kick Godzilla in the knees.
Call Goliath a punk.
Resurrect Houdini
and leave him
trapped in a trunk.
If love were a fight,
there is no limit
to what I would do.
But I would thank God,
I'm fighting with you.