Long Funny life Poems
Long Funny life Poems. Below are the most popular long Funny life by PoetrySoup Members. You can search for long Funny life poems by poem length and keyword.
I've got 2 bit psychic powers
On that just trust me
Where barely beyond my nose
Is how far into the future I can see
And as far as communicating goes
With those on the other side
I have a hard enough time talking with
Loved ones here in life
My bank account is so low
I can't afford a Crystal ball
The closest thing I have to that
Is the glass knob on my door
Where the only reflection in it
That I have ever seen
Is my sweaty palm print
As I daily take my leave
And when it comes to Tarot cards
I would never dare to touch
The only pictures that I like
Are those in comic books
So sit across the table
And gaze into my eyes
You'll see I'll be a 2 bit psychic
Until the day I die
I knew I was in danger
The day our wedding was
When the preacher asked do you take this woman
You answered He does
We've had a long long marriage and I hope it doesn't end
But you should have married Obama
Because you both know how to spend
The police stopped me in another city
Are you lost they wanted to know
I told them no, i'm married
My wife tells me where to go
I took off my ring because
You'll never let me be
I was perfect until I put it on
Then you found a thousand faults with me
You were a pain in the house
But I thought that it would pass
Then I stood with you out into the yard
And you were a pain in the grass
You wanted a gift with a message
For our twentieth anniversary
So I bought you a set of luggage
What more could you want from me
The lobotomy made me happy
And I'm still glad you're mine
So, on this day of love
Will you be my Valentine
I know that you don't like my poem
But it was all in fun
So won't you be my Valentine
And put down that freakin' gun.
I dread phoning businesses,
I dread phoning the store.
No real people answer.
Those days are no more.
Press one for English,
two for French, if you please.
No real human contact
for my queries to ease.
Press three for your balance.
Press four to complain.
Press five to start over.
These calls are a pain.
I pay more for my cable
than seems really fair
but I like that when I call
there are real people there.
My biggest pet peeve
is when the automated voice
calls me at my home
then gives me the choice,
press one for English,
two for French, if you please.
Press four and we'll connect you
with telemarketers overseas.
Automated phone calls
are as annoying as hell.
I just hate what has happened
to Dear old Ma Bell.
I was shopping in my local store
when I saw a square glass case,
it had a price tag on it
but was full of empty space.
I spoke to the assistant
who looked at it with pride,
I said, it has a price tag
but there is nothing inside.
She said it's very special
and of course you have to pay,
you don't see many places
with nothing on display.
It seems to be quite popular
you find it everywhere,
even at the customs
most have nothing to declare.
You can find it in any shop
if you have time to spare,
there is always someone coming out
saying they bought nothing there.
Nothing is a funny thing
it is not there at all,
but countries go to war
over nothing, as I recall.
If you spend all your money
you still have nothing left to show,
and when you die
you always take it with you when you go.
To some it's a religion
which really is quite clever,
for when you come to think of it
nothing lasts forever.
The most beautiful, the realm beyond imagination
the end of your mortality, the judging of your soul.
Today I stood in heaven's doorway to face God's verdict,
I've never imagined, I'm still young, too young.
I have so many dreams not yet fulfilled
but there's a feeling, peace and comfort I can't resist
I see happiness without end, love without envy,
life without hatred, God eternity.
I look back, my family, friends and enemies I saw
I felt lonely and discontented without their forgiveness
suddenly I hear voices.."One more step and be with us".
Minutes and hours passed, I decided to take that step..
But..
then I woke..heard chattering, laughing, my siblings arrived,
So glorious, it's going to be fun...Oh If I take that step I will be dead by now!
I accidentally let one loose
in places you wouldn't imagine
last Sunday I left out a silent one in church
it must not of smelled too bad, cause no one noticed
while shopping at walmart
a little one squeaked it's way out
thank goodness i was in the clothing department
and not the grocery
someone might of thought the food was spoiled
the best one of all
was a silent, but deadly one
that built up for a long time
and finally exploded in the car
all windows went down
talk about a wakeup call
although it's freezing weather here
it was like the fart was frozen in mid air
So be careful who you sit by in church,
go grocery shopping with and
who you travel with in a car
You can never be too careful
of a little thing called gas
that can make a grand appearance or
a grand finale
An empty tube of toothpaste
lies desolate upon the bathroom sink.
While fragrant bars of dyed soap
turn the filthy skin a healthy pink.
A roll of soft, white toilet paper
sits silently beside the colored tile.
Two fuzzy towels cover a naked bar,
waiting to join the dirty clothes pile.
The silver mouth of the quiet faucet
vomits a refreshing liquid gold.
And the ugly, worn handles beside it
lose their printed directions of hot and cold.
The bathroom's a highway for human traffic,
and the floor feels the warmth of mortal feet.
But the busiest place within this room
is often the throne of the toilet seat.
Turn off that smartphone, unplug yourself
Before your battery stops powering itself
Only offer the brain native analog signal
Forgot about any screen or the next level
Listen to creatures talk, remember inside
All you wanted to do was just to be alive
Reaching higher stars in the nick of time
Every dream seemed one rollercoaster ride
Feeling a little higher inside your shoes
Rhythm of the outdoors from nature groove
Reminded that today can sometimes improve
Life can be affected by an energy of mood
Make sure to tune in just once in a while
Things around us live under the same moon
Never be somebody you cannot remember who
Always just someone who never forgets you
Why won't you let me in?
I have something for you that will surprise you.
Don't you believe my words?
Is everything a curtain to you?
Curtains hiding more curtains?
Would you break if my curtain handed out business cards?
Business cards that read, "Inside: more curtains?"
Would that revive your jaded, helpless face?
What if I painted my curtains?
Wild colors! Fantastical animals!
Cut shapes into them casting shadows.
What if we shared the same curtain?
Not recognizing the other curtain as our curtain?
What if there were no curtains?
And we knew everything, at once?
What if we like our mysteries?
Our surprises? Do you wanna see mine?
Do you? I bet you do.
*this poem was inspired by windows
Taco chili. Pumpkin bread. Zucchini bread. Gingerbread cookies. Chicken and dumplings.
It is a potluck at school and we were supposed to bring our favorite fall desert.
The food keeps coming, and so do the teachers, following their noses, poking around in crockpots,
Laughing as they discuss what they might be tasting. Is this beef? Do you think this is chicken?
I am silently weaving in between them, sneaking out tiny handfuls of candy corn with each mission.
Older people are usually invisible, and I am no exception; so I sneak in and out, unnoticed.
They can have their grown up soups and breads and other junk. I have not had candy corn for a year.
I am here for one reason only.
A young teacher pregnant with child whom I am fond of looks into silent sneaky partner, my cupped hand filled with candy corn, and she laughs.
That is what makes you so awesome, she says. I love you.
I love her too, knowing she will not talk.