Long Fart Poems

Come Down
by Michael R. Burch

for Harold Bloom

Come down, O, come down
from your high mountain tower.
How coldly the wind blows,
how late this chill hour ...

and I cannot wait
for a meteor shower
to show you the time
must be...

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Flirt with Whitney
Flirt with fear 
Life is good
But I rather be anywhere but here
Body aches from pushing out tears
Driving on the road of life
Eyes is watery
So I can't steer 
And I'm getting dizzy 
Stomach very...

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What's up?
Thanks for this interview,
old man.

You are either blind or confused,
but probably both.

Well, thanks,
and I appreciate you as well.
Now, I understand you want to talk about human consciousness.

We comprehend your language as limiting human consciousness.

Now...

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These two old geezers have definitely worn out their welcome with Betty-Joe -


“NO, IT DOESN’T!” 
“YES, IT DOES!” 
“NO, IT DOESN’T!” 
“YES, IT DOES!”       The two old geezers argued...

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'A magical lock?' Groaned Graygall in a voice of defeat.
    'We are doomed before even we are set to advance.
To defeat Trolls would be an almost impossible feat
    but...

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Ugg and Ogg, on a rock they sat.
 The pair were in hiding from the sabred cat.
 They had hunted for a whole week long.
 But, recently it had all gone wrong.

The ladies were waiting...

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Unquotable quotes: Fat People – XXIX

(I know this piece sounds mean and cruel but as every single parent must have experienced, this is also the expression of utter exasperation, and perhaps there’s also the slightest...

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Say I:

On the websites I used to share, I was frequently amazed 
     Poems got greeted with silence; it seems eyes were quickly glazed. 

It’s as if I’d morphed into a...

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Hello, there. Rise and shine. I think I’ll call you Adam/
Who are you? Your creator. The maker of all you fathom/
You can call me God. This place is the Garden of Eden/
Why’d you make me?...

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The Tale of the Duck

The morning was crisp and in need of assist
    from the sun to warm up the day.
The Dragon needed some food to lighten his mood
   so...

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Spouse cannot forget mine suppressed flatulence upon our first date

While yours truly sat here 
at the desk housing MacBook Pro,
pondering his next idée fixe apropos
for gamut of anonymous readers,
he unexpectedly, noisily and effectually
exploded out rear...

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(after Edgar Allan Poe's "The Angel of the Odd")

It was a tidy day and I sat, replete, under vellux blankets.
Sadly, my tea was weak, the bottle of cinnamon whiskey
tantalizingly low, and my feet swelling above...

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[Just a little note to help maintain the peace on Soup.          
To cause no animosity among our friendly group
I myself am partial to some tasty asian...

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THE GRIM REAPER (JUST ANOTHER DAY AT THE OFFICE) 

The Grim Reaper; again awakens from another well-earned day of sleep
From within the bowels of this cavernous earth, from his cave, so deep

His cloak and scythe;...

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Megan saw what had happened and motioned a reply
    to the others who turned for a look.
When ever so slowly the Troll King opened his eyes
    as the poor...

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Canned ‘STINK’ - State of the Art for Crowd Control
                         ...

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The Lay of The Best Man - Part Two


I will not understate my distaste, but I do not hate. I rate hate as being irate
Shall I underrate the spate of your hate as you devastate;...

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THE GRIM REAPER (JUST ANOTHER DAY AT THE OFFICE)

This Grim Reaper stirs from another well-earned day of heavenly sleep
From within the bowels of this cavernous earth, from his cave, so deep

His cloak and scythe, been...

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Limricks prompted by a comment made by someone today

It's a fact, and no longer just a rumor
Some soup people barf at toilet humor
Have you sniffed your own butt 
It stinks so keep it shut
Pessimism must...

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SAD Seasonally Affective Disorder

Some are prone to depression in winter when days get shorter when
less light enters the brain through the eyes and thoughts become darker

I am also affected and when news gets explosive when...

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Folk purchase this celeb’s new candle
 It’s something my brain cannot handle
 ‘Smells like my v’gina’ 
Could give folk angina
 This fragrance has caused quite a scandal 

Inspired by a comment from a fancy friend...

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An Introduction to Max
 
Hi, I am a Mastiff cross and my name is Magical Max. To be precise it’s actually Magical Maxi the Wonder Dog but you can call me Max. That’s not to...

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Clouded vision as I wake up early morning. Just before dawn, so the neighbor's still snoring. Got 2 messages from my boss sounding ticked. So, I got up, took a shower, made my self some...

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Can I go to the bathroom? This place is full of jackasses. This place is full of jackasses jerking each other off. This place is full of ignorant, parochial, zit-sucking jackasses undeserving of their place...

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With thoughts of getting fish-faced on a Friday night, 
I dropped anchor in a portside bar 
To contemplate the crooked path to closing time; 
Couldn’t guarantee I’d get that far.

I ordered a tequila, called myself...

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