I need to let it go when its run its course.
But this pain... this lacking. I always feel the hole it leaves. Letting it go feels wrong.
But Why?!
Like im losing a piece that sustains me...
But it hurts. Everytime. More and more.
I reflexively look for it everywhere.
How I do I shut that off?
And that is what scares me.
How do you stop something that feels as involuntary as breathing?
And if you do... Will what it sustains die?
Would it return in the face of it?
And that question that haunts me.
What would be worse?
Living. Hoping. Crashing. Repairing. Repeating
Or finding a way to stop the involuntary?
But that feels like dying when I imagine it.
Are those really my only choices?
Bear it till the end?
Or bury it?
They speak like the sky owes them answers.
I sit quiet, a stone in their storm.
Their voices rise
Mine stays buried.
They say “He’s watching.”
I feel watched.
Not by God.
By them. Their eyes
Soft, but sharp.
Like feathers hiding knives.
I smile.
It hurts and I nod.
It burns.
They pray.
I pretend. Because I love them.
Because I need them.
Because I don’t want to be the ghost at the table.
Their faith is loud.
As mine is a bruise.
Not purple and not visible.
But tender every time they say “saved.”
I want to scream
As much as I want to run and
I want to be held without being fixed.
I want to belong without being erased.
And I want to stay.
Because leaving feels like dying.
And I want to leave
But staying feels like disappearing.
But I don’t know which ache is worse.
~~~
There's no horizon left,
I was awake and slept.—
Moon was aligned with
Stars and my own myth.
Night reveals the intense love,
Which were kept hidden in light.—
Dreams felt like a curse,
Turns to a hypnotic verse:
"Flow of flowers from fay,
Pink red leaves and a rose,
Brown iris like branches,
Cry and rare crystal flow.—
Die while picturing the dreams,
Early mornings are not mine.
Shine like a bright silver moon,
My heart feels like dying soon.—
Rusty ruby rose my love,
Snowy lily hope my dove.—
To wait at one is my rove,
Coral echoes in my trove."
betwixt the chaos and happiness
I'm feeling something
In the tranquil nature of wind
In the tranquil sounds of birds
In the tranquil calmness of the pond
I see a reflection of mine
and hope for the eternal peace
to put out the fire
to challenge the eldritch figure
who has destroyed my home
I've been vexed by my haunting dreams
I've been vexed by the actions I take
each step I take feels like dying
each breathe feels like perishing
each thought feels like confined
time to quell this nearer or beyond the horizon
clouds of uncertainty surrounds this question
all I know is a place in my mind
where tranquility takes over my soul
Screaming on the inside
feels like dying
life is blurry behind the flood of tears, damned
by an expressionless face
twisted laughter is the only solace
to the demons that have corrupted
a soul that stands to fight the fear, and
loses anyway
must walk through the flames
to find peace on the other side
it isn't the heat that is terrifying; it is the
nightmares of losing everything you thought was
good and bad are not black and white
different shades of grey like the skin on an
elephant stomping on a mouse-like heart
strength to fight this battle before I let go
fading away behind these quiet hazel eyes
is the will to feel
the will to care
the will to be
giving all I have until there is no more
me
How to claim what I see, how to write, how to say? How can I say when my thoughts are in
the way?
In matters of the heart, my mind has hindered me. It leads down roads I'd rather not be.
But this boy...this man, he's worth it, but how can I say? Thoughts, thoughts, thoughts, my
thoughts are in the way!
It's quite the predicament, it's true, so I suppose simple words will have to do.
Warm. Loving. Hurting. quiet. Hides behind masks, and can raise up a riot.
Sensative, caring, thinks he's undeserving. A boy that I love and think he's worth everything.
Funny. Sad. Lonely and seeking. Wanting to love, but afraid of hurting.
Beautiful. Glowing, his Light how it's shining. A lost little boy who inside is crying.
A lost grown man who inside feels like dying...
How can I declare the beauty that I see, how can I write what he means to me. How can I
say when my thoughts are in the way?
Easy answered, friends, easy answered. My mind does not speak, but my heart acts.
New ambient light taking hold of that which was once darkened by time.
New thoughts eluding desires and all answers to the questions at hand.
Laminated emotions taking the places of the empty spaces inside the mind.
Feel the love from behind the reinforced glass? Didn’t think it was possible.
Now the age of reasoning comes into play, now is the time for deep thought.
The devil calls for pain, in waves that crash on this body like water on rock.
No visible damage but over time it wears it down to nothing, little by little.
Plunging into the deep end surrounding the mind and clouding the vision.
Breathing is impossible, gasping for air only brings water into the lungs.
This feels like dying. This feels like numbing. This feels better than living.
This is not where I want to go
Where it feels like dying
Not really what I wish to know
What it feels like crying
Heading every directions
Only ended up getting lost
Trying my best to go back up
But being pull back down
Can't imagine the fall
Surrounded by these blinded reality
My eyes filled with nothing but tears
Can I get some sympathy
Fallen, I have fallen again
Force to bear with the fall
My unhealed tourniquet
Is not the pain anymore
This time is my time
Where I have fallen below
Where others just watched me
My Life is not for them to know
Fallen, I have fallen again
Fallen, I have fallen this time
Thrown down, being pushed around
I have fallen this time
But,
I have not yet fallen behind
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