Dodgy Poems

Operation Dinosaur

Operation Dinosaur 
Will had helped our Processor 
Workforce says this is too old!
And this isn't our fault!

This website is very rigid
Old and new 
Transforming, bridge it 

But will you be building 
New website 
With old technology
When the content and the data 
Modern human apology

Updatedness of data 
The quality of content
Be how, excuse me, gotta
And what is in this sense event 

Feel sorry for your attention
Feel dodgy at weird domes 
Shall easy be comprehension
And shall be the garden gnomes

Can It, Aussie Style - Antipodean, Not European

It's enough to make one chunder
there used to be a time Down Under
when fair dinkum the label on the tucker tin
only stated the true blue maker's name
and the Vegemite we'd eat for brekkie contained therein
while not a porky implied mate there's something to hide
with a shonky no responsibility disclaimer
I’m spewin’ cranky as today's focus is on what's not inside
no GMO cholesterol additives gluten calories caffeine nuts
no added colouring sugar preservatives
no artificial sweeteners monounsaturated
no polyunsaturated &/or trans fats
and bloody oath cobber that's not all as I recall
no worries tho' there's also low sodium
not whingeing but one wonders if it's a dodgy admission
there's no bonzer thingo within such as ace nutrition
meanwhile I'll fill my billycan from yon billabong
surrounded by a few emu and a roo or two
as up a gum tree the kookaburra laughingly looks on
there's nothing more I can do so may as well
bung another shrimp on the barbie blow the froth off a few
have one last blast on me didgeridoo Blue and shoot through

A dirge in PRAISE of MGonagall's Forth Bridge

A poetaster I will always be
Renowned throughout eternity
For wonky metres and dodgy rhymes
Amongst my other versifying crimes
Like dull images and dreary words
Not to the liking of animals and birds
Whom Orpheus charmed with lyrics rare
While my efforts they  just cannot bear
McGonagall is the master to whom I bow down
The man who merits the peerless crown
Of poetry so ludicrously solemn
That it earns derision in any newspaper column
His Forth Bridge production  garners distinction
For drawing down mockery on its versification.
I must thank the website to which I belong
In allowing me to keep singing my song
That honour I bestow upon Poetry Soup
With its generosity  towards  my glutinous gloop

Hindsight

A hundred sorries, a thousand cries,
A million tears just won’t dry,
I’m done with foolishness and lies.

You think you're right but can’t see why,
Just another dodgy mask and guise
A hundred sorries, a thousand cries.

No future left, no truth to try,
Blind to what you didn’t know lies
I’m done with foolishness and lies.

If you knew back then what hindsight buys,
Would you have stayed, or said goodbye?
A hundred sorries, a thousand cries.

Now, only after equations rise,
We see the truth we can’t deny
I’m done with foolishness and lies,
A hundred sorries, a thousand cries.

The according to well Me

When you were born
The king boys were in the hospital
trying to sell
dodgy perfumes 
All three of them
Some bastard up in the hills 
had a torch on the whole night
St Ables accident and emergency
No rooms available 
I totally understood kissing your friend
The amateur magician stuff was great
Our fishing trips
We always came back with a haul
but then again most of that clinked
Some of the table legs were sheer artistry
I turned your newborn head towards
the night sky
This is yours my son

Burp

Reindeer at Christmas will often eat carrots
Though Santa once had one who liked to eat parrots
But parrots at Christmas can be hard to find
He wasn’t too fussy so he didn’t mind
He never complained that he felt out of luck
When push came to shove he would also eat duck

With Christmas upon them there’s no time to eat
But he wouldn’t grumble and he wouldn’t bleat
He’d fly through the skies with his mouth gaping wide
A mallard would soon sate his hunger inside
“Don’t swallow ducks whole,” that was Santa’s suggestion
“You'll belch through the night due to dodgy digestion.”

A nine year old lad hid behind the settee
And woke mum and dad at a quarter to three 
He told them he’d waited since late Christmas Eve
And then he said something they couldn’t believe
“The presents are under the tree neatly stacked
I swear they were left by a reindeer that quacked.”

Transitions

Someone said that you're either a man or a woman,
well now, maybe Rishi was right, say it if you can;
you may not choose although perhaps it's coming,
how many more will be playing football we're wondrin.

We need a new changing room, we have to be sure,
to make certain that no one's peeping under the door;
what to do about the armed forces, dodgy seems to me,
but in hindsight they could scare the .... out of the enemy.

Sporting events could be a problem if there's about face,
may not be allowed to participate in an egg and spoon race;
these contentions all become just a bit of a silly drag,
when every year you'll need to be one year older to have a ... .

It was just bad enough if I couldn't find a decent breast,
no guarantees now, be careful, you might have second guessed.

Gently, Gently, Be Careful Where You Tread

As he looks at all the stuff
that‘s stored inside his head
he marvels at how randomly it’s all been packed away
“Gently, gently, be careful where you tread”
he reminds himself to move about with care  
although he’s been up there many times before
and knows his way around
there are some dodgy places up there on his attic floor  
as he looks about him with wonder and delight   
there are things up there that he’d rather just forget
that he wishes he’d never done
that are cause for deep regret
but, when taken as a whole   
he is pleased with what he finds up there           
a veritable hodgepodge of life’s travails and pleasures 
admitting that at times he should have paid more care 
he considers it all to be his very own box of chocolates
he has his favourites that he wishes there were more of
and there are those that he vehemently wishes
he could quietly just get rid of  
I wonder what it’s like 
to be inside your head 
would you like to spend some time  
in somebody else’s head instead
even for just a moment
perhaps an entire day
and rummage through what they have there 
all secretly stored away.

Un-Famous Last Words

Those Tommies send their planes in large amounts
They drop their bombs but all they do is bounce
Like rubber balls their bouncy bombs all missed
Those British pilots must be really…

                   *

The steward asked the ‘Lady’ won’t you please enjoy our boat
The RMS Titanic is the safest ship afloat
The lady huffed and said a little service would be nice
I’ve got my gin and tonic… could you organise some ice?

                   *

Vesuvius is puffing out some wispy smoke today
They say there could be fireworks to brighten up Pompeii
How many more times will they say that mountain’s gonna go
And won’t somebody tell me what’s a pyroclastic… 
…
Oh!

                   *


I learned my skills in marketing back in seventy three
For twelfth century Pisa was a training ground for me
I proved my salesmanship to market trader, Uncle Neville
I even got a few quid for that dodgy spirit level

Bake Off Off

It’s the Great British Bake Off
And I’ve got to week six
But I think it’s all over since
They’ve  dissed my bread mix.
They said it was rubbish 
When I baked my plum duff
And Mary said my cake
Was sandy, coarse and rough.

There’s a slinky little blonde
Who’s giving Paul the eye
And I think it must be working
Cos she’s more than getting by.
Her bagels were quite dodgy
Her bottom soggy and wet
Yet he said they were delicious
Definitely teacher’s pet

They’re going to push me out 
Deep down this I know
But I’ll take the b’s with me
If and when I go
I’ve planned my revenge
With my Kamikaze pudding dish
With TNT and dynamite 
And petrol, just a splish.

I’ve made my own shrapnel
With glass and tacks and nails
To ensure there’s a back up 
If  my pudding mixture fails,
So, when they tell me that
It’s time that I went
I’ll push the detonator
And blow up the bloody tent.

There’ll be weeping and wailing
And lots and lots of tears
But that’s one Bake off episode
They’ll not forget for years.
I’m  the Kamikaze chef
Divine Wind of the Aga Range
Apres Moi le deluge
After me things will change

At Pocklington Little Fest

The tattooed drunk 
With the expensive shoes,
And a desperate look 
Of having  nothing to lose,
Barracked me at the microphone.
I was so glad he was on his own.
A single drunk is easy to quell
More than one can be a hell.
I finished my spot, went for a beer
Turned around to see him 
Standing quite  near. 
He looked at me with pin holed eyes 
Then he said, with anguished sighs 
I  may look young  
But I’m seventy two 
Nano bots in my veins 
To make my body renew.
He said this was done 
Just to keep him alive
Because he was a spy for MI five.
He said there was danger 
In everything  he did
Then he tried to tap me 
For twenty quid.
I’d no idea what he’d been on 
But bottled and sold 
He could’ve made a bomb. 
I didn’t bother to tell 
My aspiring mate 
That, for a few years 
I’d worked for MI8.
We left him there mumbling away
Sometime these characters 
Can make your day,
And sometimes, and it  could be worse
Provide some  fuel for dodgy verse.

Say As You Go

Merlin cast a special spell and made a telephone
The speaker was quite dodgy and he had a little moan
But still he made one more for making phone calls from his wagon
Then conjured up another one for young Arthur Pendragon

He took a call and recognised King Arthur’s crackling tone
Merlin couldn’t make him out and muttered down the phone
Sorry, Boss, I’m at a loss, my phone I heard it ring
But ever since I answered it I cannot here a thing

Arthur said again the thing that Merlin had to do
And Merlin shook his head, “My Lord, I am not hearing you.”
When Arthur spoke a final time as clearly as he could
Merlin was at last quite certain that he’d understood

Arthur cut the call just as Queen Guinevere was passing
She said what was all that about, you know I’ll keep on asking
Arthur said I told the man as clear as I was able
That for your birthday I require a really fine brown sable

                                      ***

With her present sorted all the knights were sat around
And Merlin said she’s coming don’t nobody make a sound
Guinevere walked in as Merlin stroked his lucky cat
And when she saw the table she said, ‘What the …. .. ….

Clap Clap

Life as a crow can be dodgy you know
Those humans they have funny habits
They feed every creature that lives on this planet
They even grow salad for rabbits

The nuts and the seeds and the fat balls they leave
Upon the bird table all day
So finches and robins can eat till they're full
Even starlings will have some away

But show ’em a crow and ballistic they go
It’s like there’s an unwritten clause
Except when we poop on their washing
Then they give us a round of applause

Tent Pegs Burnt Legs

Tent pegs, burnt legs
Sun cream, ice cream
Swimming trunks, squashed lunch
Peeling tum, after sun.

Dusty feet, collapsing seat
Folding table, electric cable,
Sleeping pods, fishing rods
Guide ropes foreign notes.

Ground sheet, birds tweet.
Wind break, tent shake
Top box  midnight fox
Sweeping floor, rubbish torn

Barbecue, dodgy loo,
Gritty toes, runny nose
Flip flops dirty tops
Backpack rucksack

Gas ring, bee sting
Bug spray, all day
Camping Gaz, not last
Airbed  enough said

Glowstick picnic
Washing up, worst luck
Beard grown, photos shown
Journey home, money blown

Del Boy Trotter and Rodney Trotter

Del Boy Trotter
Money making plotter
Sells dodgy bent gear and smokes a cigar
Drives a yellow three wheeler T.I.T company car.

Rodney Trotter
Del's little brother, sidekick and cop spotter
A dipstick, a wally, a plonker or Dave
With two GCEs he feels like an under-paid slave.


(Trotters Independent Traders) (T.I.T)


Only Fools and Horses

Clerihew 2 Poetry Contest

Sponser Joseph May

Written 21.10.21

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