I want to be up and happy and feeling my best.
But I don't get it, I wake up and feel depressed.
I have nothing to be in a bad mood about.
But I just want to sit here and not go out.
I am missing so many good times, it isn't fair.
All my body and mind say is I don't care.
In my mid-twenties and already want to cash in?
I want this life, I want it to come out and begin.
Maybe there is a chemical imbalance in my brain.
Trapped inside and its sunny, but in here only rain.
Yeah I can go to the doctor and he can give me some pills,
but the effects are weight gain, moodiness, and some people it kills.
I just want to be able to smile again.
Or at least know I can and when.
Its so hard to tell people nothing, but everything is wrong.
And everyday gets harder and it takes so long,
I just want to smile once more,
maybe walk on the ocean shore.
Just make it through today and survive.
Just be happy that I am alive.
how how couldnt i see it before
that im more beftuf8ul than i ever thought
why couldnt i see it
i was blinded by heart of thy pain thy still felt in thy heart
how is it so
that i can feel it now
how its it that i can feelk it now '
is that i can love myself now
since i learned to forgive
thwe one thaty heart me deeply insi de ny heart.
is it true it takes time to recover and to hill from
being broken
i need answers this is weird and everything y y '
why do i feel this way .
tell me tell me please tell me i need to know
i cry and cry inside trying to figuare out
what it is thats getting me backk to my
old me 'i guess God have a plain for me
so isnt that he wants me to be happy
eventhough he no imm not perfect which is true
wow im so happy that i finally coming back to the old me
i run i yell i do everythingt to understand what it is that having be so me
not being mad
not being sad
but might think back to it once in a while or even
get upset or sometimes i might just be a happy lilltle soul
that just my mix up feelings thats just me
I wish i could turn back time
stop myself from committing that crime
my heart is torn the more i think about it
nothing in the world will ever fit
i regret ever saying goodbye
and also ever making you cry
i wish those feelings would return
but i guess its my turn
to be the one whose feelings are crushed
and turned to nothing but dust
i wish we had made it together
maybe then things would be better
looking back those were my happy days
but now I'm nothing but a mere slave
to what my heart feels inside
from the truth that i fear
and no one else will ever hear
of the love i have for this girl
who throws my head into a whirl
whenever i take a step forward
i always get brought back
seeing you happy is all i want
so for now i will stop my hunt
for the love that i want from you
that is nothing less then true
but trying to make you feel the same
that for me only brings shame
he happy days have gone,
The happy days are hard to find,
I wish I understood why I feel sad,
I can't try to go on,
I can't feel the need to carry on,
My soul had died and am trying to get out of this sad thought,
I need to smile,
I need to try and laugh,
I need to try and carry on,
All those thoughts of pain in my head,
All those thoughts of feeling low,
All those thoughts of thinking why oh why?
I need to smile and carry on.
A small place in England
a city rife with crime
full of the homeless
the jobless
lives a small
defenseless girl
who was once a happy child
transforming
into an angry woman
Eve was a small girl
missunderstood
Life was hard on the estate
Father and Mother deceased
when she was three
She came home
But for what?
Empitiness
Twelve years on
Eve sobs
as noone is there
to answer the questions
anger has built itself up
Why me?
she often asks herself
questions fuel the rage
till one day it becomes too much
The tragic day
came after her fifteenth birthday
life was the death of her
the poor girl
with glazed eyes
who watched
other children at the park
with their parents
couldnt handle it anymore
The local papers
portrayed the whole event
as if they cared
if they had cared sooner
this girl, Eve
would be happy
enjoying her life
like the other girls her age
but they didn't
and still nothing has changed
Where is my happy place?
The carefree days of my childhood.
When the sun was always shining.
And the laughter of children was heard.
And there was always a breeze.
I was happy and at peace.
So where is my happy place?
Where is my happy place?
My burdens and fears weigh me down.
My sky is always grey.
And children's laughter is no longer heard.
And the breeze turns into a hurricane.
And my happiness disappears.
Where is my happy place?
i know it helped you that i could see
if i do it to will it help me
it took away your pain do you now feel good
if it takes away my pain do you think i should
you hated your life and in some way it shows
if i hated mine to do you think anyone will know
you had a short life do you think you could have made it long
if i shorten mine to do you think it would be wrong
you were happy at some point do you remember at what time
if i were happy for a day would it be crossing the line
when you decided to make that choice was it hurting you a lot
if i was to make that choice to would they leave my body to rot
P.S. this poem is talking about my aunt who killed herself four days after my eight birthday
i cannot have the mind power to do
something like that but i do know people who do.
so this poem goes out to all the people who lost their relatives to suicided and to the ones
who think about it everyday. and to hope you can get help so you would not do anything like
that
Ran away
Away from the pain
Running away
Away again
Here to stay
Stay in this place
Staying away
Away from that place
And it's okay, to waste away
My life this way
And maybe find, a happy place
Sense you kill me this way
Maybe I'll stay, here today
And it's okay, to waste away
To end my life this way
In a happy place
If there was one, I'd stay
Written July 17, 2005
I sit and stare at the black hole of my life.
It sucks in every good memory and happy emotion.
I say good-bye to my love of yesterday
And hope for tomorrow.
I say hello to pain and hurt.
I look into the eye of the storm of life.
It beats up my heart one more time.
I say good-bye to sunny days
And happy times.
I say hello to the acid rain that wrecks my life.