i love you and you know i would do anything for
you and it kills me that i know you wouldn't do
the same for me.
you’re all i have
please don’t leave me
i hate you for this
i hate that you’re the only thing keeping me alive
when whether i’m alive or not
truly means nothing in your universe
that i yearn to be a part of
your universe;
that which i crave to be
the dark night sky that scares you when you’re alone
the stars you smile at because they’re so beautiful
the moon that make you feel safe under that same dark sky
i want you to need me
as much as i need you
realising i’m nothing more than another person to you
kills me
i want it to kill you
it’s killing me
i want you to need me
i need you to want me
not of my own accord, don’t flatter yourself
I am so alone yet too full of myself inside
my thoughts scream at me constantly leaving me nowhere to hide
I feel I break everything I go near, would it be better if I disappeared?
Would they be smiling? Would they be glad? Am I really just a weight on everyone I have?
A burden to them and a burden to me, maybe alone is really what I'm meant to be.
I have no right to the sunshine or even a warm hug, I will slowly fade away in this cold hole I've dug.
May you find a happier place without my dark cloud, maybe it's better that I'm no longer around.
I’m sitting all alone with this empty hole inside,
I can’t seem to stop thinking “it’s always me, I’d rather die”. The voices surround me, crying out my biggest fears. As I sit staring blankly at the wall my eyes are filled with tears. Sometimes I feel no emotion, sometimes I’m filled with dread. I’m angry at myself, but it’s all inside my head. I find it hard to function everyday of my life, Will the time ever come where someone wants me as their wife? I’m very hard to deal with when my moods are up and down. One minute I want to party and the next I want to drown. The doctors think I’m crazy, my family thinks I’m mad. And this is why I like to be alone, is it really all that bad?
Tablet after tablet, nothing seems to get better
The impulsive thoughts inside my mind, my face is getting wetter. Will it ever pass? Will I ever cope? this is BPD. I can’t control my actions. It’s taking over me. One day I’m hoping I’ll wake up and it will all just float away. It’s time to take life day by day and pray I’ll be ok. But until the day I feel normal, I have to keep my head held high. Because I have my whole life left, and I’m to young to die.
I crave love and affection whilst my brain perceives it as rejection,
i have plans for my future,
yet plans for my departure.
They say most don't live to see 25,
yet that's a lie,
as we silently suffer,
even when we wish to die.
I don’t want my love to be violent.
But when I love, I rip my organs out of my chest, I take my knitting needles and make you a scarf out of my intestines to keep you warm while I bleed out freezing.
When I love, I see your trail of fingerprints, heart shaped kisses and scars. When love passes it doesn’t feel like it’s mine, it still belongs to you.
I wince at the thought of someone else erasing your mark, taking your property.
When I love, I mentally change my last name to yours, hell I'd even change my first name. anything to feel closer to you, I want to feel you, be you, touch you, if I'm not everything to you I'm nothing, I'm worthless.
When I love, I brush my teeth stood next you every night. I take hold of your toothbrush and playfully brush for you. when I'm alone I'm scared I'm going to get dental decay because brushing my teeth without you next to me, i just don’t feel clean.
Because my brain fights me
People think I’m crazy.
Doomed either way.
I have borderline
I have bipolar
I have PTSD
I have anxiety
I have scars
I'm not abusive
I'm not manipulative
I'm not cold
I'm not crazy
I'm not attention seeking
I'm hurt
I'm sad
i'm lonely
I'm scared
I'm abused
See me
Notice me
I am smart
I am caring
I am loving
l am empathetic
I am Me
borderline
between what may i ask?
floating whilst the clock ticks by
tears on the night of your life
pain in pleasure
pleasure in pain
doors closed
the slams still echo in your brain
in-prisoned by your own name
dust scatters over where you lay
an endless impossible escape you planned at 5
imprints of those who held you tight
just to leave you in the night
sky’s are blue but your mind is grey
it makes no sense why you feel this way
but at least you know borderline is where you stay
there is safety in that pain
Regret has become a vindictive old friend
We’ll go hand and hand until my cold bitter end
And as hard as I try to fake and pretend
These holes in my heart I’ll never fully mend
All these men
They feel free to mistreat my body
In the mirror, I can’t see the carefree girl I used to be
SET ME FREE
LET ME FLEE
TO ESCAPE
TO RELIEVE
I don’t believe I’ll see days
where I’m not bogged down in a haze
I just crave a safe space
Some peace thru this unending pain
Everyday it’s the same
People don’t seem to change
I’m estranged
and deranged
My brain it daily deteriorates
But still, can’t complain
Got a roof when it rains
And the bills they get paid
While single mothers they slave
Slave away, for better days
Can’t even get to a place
to put some savings away
Why this world just breeds hate
They’ll even spit in your face
This human race
I’m displaced
Can’t find a trace
of some kindness or faith
Can I leave? Is this a dream?
OH PLEASE, GOD.
WAKE. ME.
To live with
borderline personality disorder
- unpredictable behavior
the balloon can explode at any time
The threshold is low
a flame that cannot be extinguished
01/02/2023
Sun :) - A-L Andresen :)
Copyright © All Rights Reserved
Bite Size Contest no.60 Poetry Contest
Sponsored by: Line Gauthier
Honorable Mention
I operate in abundance of extremes,
Flirtish to skittish; kind-hearted to mean
I am a tolerant bigot or a emotional stoic
Yet everyone around me don’t even know it
The tug-o-war of conflicting interests
Both teams in an endless contest
To control my fast twitch reflex
Of my best defence; verbal offence.
Shutting people down from entering my mind
When I see the pity form their beady eyes
I don’t know if it’s pride or loathing
When my tongue cuts words foreboding
the demise and destruction of myself and others
But I move forward for my mother and brothers
And with the numbers of loved ones that every day grows
I need not fret of ever being left alone.
It’s so hopeless.
I try so hard to be strong, because I know the people around me need somebody to be.
But how much stronger can I be when I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders.
Peace is like a foreign concept to me.
I’ve had fleeting moments of happiness, but without fail, are always followed by a storm of pain and suffering.
When does it end?
When do I get to cry on someone's shoulder?
When will someone notice my pain without having to tell them?
Hopelessness doesn’t even describe what I am feeling.
I wake up in excruciating pain every morning and yet it goes unrecognized.
You can’t see my pain.
Most of the time I can’t decide if it’s real or fake.
But it’s there.
What I wouldn’t give for someone to acknowledge my presence.
Acknowledge a statement I made or a simple good morning back.
Yet, without fail, my words flow through the earth like a wandering ghost, never
to be seen or heard from again.
So, tell me, if I am to be a ghost while alive...
What would happen if I were to truly fade away?
feel so heavy,
Weighed down by an anchor
No one can physically see.
I'm expected to be okay
To live a normal life
While dealing with a
chemical imbalance,
An emotional disturbance
Whose presenting symptoms are
Self destructive binges
And manic tangents
That have labeled me reckless
And often left me stranded.
I dive head first into
Waves crashing
Tearing it's way through
The walls I've built.
My fortress is unstable
There are weak spots
And some stains have
Remained.
These walls sometimes feel
Like they are 40 miles tall
And forged of steel
In that very moment
I feel so alone...
When surrounded by people
When introduced to anyone or anything new,
When one those new additions
causes changes to the flow
Of things
Who Dares to get too close or
challenge the authenticity
Of my disorders
By questioning my mental state.
Surely,
There's truth to the trauma,
Or it wouldn't continuously bother me
Causing catastrophic events,
Filling my head with memories
that never seem to end.
My mind short
Animistic descent from sanity
Boorish attitude, sense of lost control
Crawl out of your skin, bloody vanity
Darkness claws like a black hole
Eternal uncertainty wreaks mayhem
Freedom not given, glued to midnight
Glutton of attention, cannot condemn
Hungry for life, all bark and no bite
Insanity placed on my sweating forehead
Justification, she’s just sick
Killjoy I may be, the day I dread
Labels in my throat choke me quick
Meaningless apologies, see from my eyes
Nights of liquid lucidity, a dull mind by day
Oh the pain, its thorns shred my heart and thighs
Persistent thoughts, worries carried away
Question my identity, a woman without a face
Remember happiness, a fleeting memorial
Scars on my ribs, my heart’s knives trace
Tears on my face, struggles sensorial
Ugly feelings of hate, daily reprise
Veins of ice or so it feels, words tongue-tie
With echoing sighs my dream dies
Xenolith, smile covered, stifled outcry
Yearning for a hand to hold on to
Zealous recovery, fail and reverse
I don't know
why I stayed
when I knew I deserved better.
You made me feel
as though
I was overreacting,
and selfish.
You said I don't drown
in an ocean
I stick my face in a
puddle.
You say the waves that crash
into me
are only cars
driving over puddles.
You told me I was faking it.
I believed you
and coped
with alcohol and drugs.
I got rid of you.
I still feel like I'm
faking,
overreacting,
lying,
like I don't deserve better.
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