Best Toilet Paper Poems
No Toilet Paper
My mind is boggled.
What is with the Coronavirus mania?
Why is everyone going freaking nuts over this?
From what this writer understands,
It is much like the regular flu,
Which is killing thousands as we speak, and
Hospitalizing even more. And this has been going on,
As long as I have been alive since 1952.
But this particular microbe is novel, and
Since little is known about it apparently,
People are afraid they will “get it.”
So off to Costco they all go, and
Buy as much toilet paper they are all permitted to buy,
Take it home, store or hide it with the other family treasures,
And then realize, inexplicably, that now
They are all magically immune to “getting it.”
Is that what these crazed souls are thinking?
I can think of a fate worse than “getting it.”
Worse than sports games being cancelled;
Worse than concerts and plays going on indefinite hiatus;
Worse than school classes and Sunday services finding the exit door, for now;
Worse than millions of vacations being cancelled, and
Entire industries being brought to their knees;
Worse than the world economy taking a complete nosedive
Into depression and financial paralysis;
Worse than millions of human beings dying
Horrible, agonizing deaths due to this little microbe.
No, I can think of something even worse.
Imagine going to Steak Corral - All You Can Eat,
One night soon, and you wanted your money’s worth.
So you load up your plate with:
Whiskey-laced, barbecued baked beans and garlic bread;
Two breadcrumb-laced quarter pound char-burgers,
Each smothered in a half dozen beer-breaded onion rings,
With ranch dressing dripping over them like lava.
Then you go get some more beans on french fries with
Big raw garlic chunks nestled in them, and then,
You wash it all down with three beers.
Imagine the next morning.
Imagine the horror, the horror,
Of voiding all that Steak Corral stuff, and then
Having the absolute worst possible thing
Happen to you in today’s crisis times.
No toilet paper.
To all you varmints
Who like to squeeze the Charmin's
I went to the grocery store one day
And someone had the Charmin's squeezing away
I said hey what are you doing that for
Like come on right in the store
She looked at me like i was spun
Like it was something i had ever done
So i gave a little squeeze to see how she liked it
Another women saw me and started having a fit
Hey she said don't do that
So your the culprit that makes the rolls flat
Well i was stunned so i said real fast
No she did it first i did it last
I was just trying to teach her a lesson you see
Squeezing the Charmin's that was the first time for me
Well now i had done it i was caught in the act
And i don't squeeze the Charmin's and that's a fact
She twisted my words upside down
Made me look like a total clown
There i was in the middle of a war
Right in the middle of the grocery store
The moral to the story is don't squeeze the Charmin's
Their is a lot of people looking for those varmints
From the shower to the mirror I stand
With my breasts cupped in my hands
Oh my gosh they're too small
As I stand there and bawl
You men simply just don't understand
He suggests I take some toilet paper
I've to rub them, Oh what a caper
Blimey, how long this will take
It'll take months, just wait
Keep rubbing you'll soon be the shaper
Golly, I'm starting to feel a right tit
My new Bra they ain't going to fit
Well it worked for your ass
Keep going darling lass
There's the proof, no lies, didn't it
.
I looked around the crowded lobby in the Ritz Hotel in Washington, DC. I was a little late in getting there as the plane was late in arriving. Not a problem. I had the itinerary for the next day's meeting and an agenda that provided me all the information I needed to conduct myself in a professional manner before the executives expected to attend.
I checked into my room and immediately showered, slipped into my housecoat and stood before the mirror to practice my presentation. I knew I had it nailed. Feeling quite confident, I went to bed and slept right through until room service called me at 6:30 a.m. The meeting was to start at 8:00 a.m. in the main conference room of the hotel. I showered again, dressed, pee'd and practiced in front of the mirror again.
I stood at the Podium and began my presentation complete with all my Harvard Graphics bells and whistles. As I was facing the charts, with my back to the audience, I heard snickering. It wasn't clear what they were saying exactly, but something about toilet paper and hemline in panties. I was absolutely mortified!!!
Seven chocolate butterflies
Dancing on shower bubbles
Strawberry markers don't swim on leather
Lasagna.
Oh my goodness, oh my gosh
We're totally out of toilet paper
Someone broke in and pilfered it
Known as the toilet paper caper
It's really not a laughing matter
So wipe that grin off your face
The FBI's Stolen Bum Wipe Unit
Was called in to take the case
Went around from door to door
Searching for a lead or a clue
Except for a couple of possibilities
Wound up wearing out their shoes
As the leads started growing cold
Up pops this suspicious event
A race being staged at the university
Likely no criminal intent
But the first across the finish line
When they rang the final bell
Was awarded two dozen 3-ply rolls
By the makers of Cottonelle
In this bathroom of Dr. Heath's,
The tissues so tough you grit your teeth.
No soft toilet paper anywhere to be found,
By the time you get through, how does Charmin sound?
You wipe with sandpaper til you bleed,
Soft toilet paper your bottom will need.
In this kit, relief you will find
From toilet that is much more kind!
The biggest controversy of the day
Is toilet paper – which way should it lay
Should it roll under and hug the bathroom wall
Or over the top and stand out till it’s small
Personally, I’m a top roll guy
It puts it that much closer to my thigh
And as we age our movements start to slow
I like things close because you never know
my lady should put toilet paper down as a dependent
replacing said toilet paper is a chore for me in this household
i find myself hiding a secret stash under my side of the bed in an oversized overnight bag
i have question mark withdrawal wondering what the secret society is between my lady and toilet paper
i guess it is all apart of life
i think i should start my own toilet paper brand
i wonder if i target woman from jump street, would i be an instant millionaire
instead of 1,000 sheets, i would make one with a million sheets
maybe then i would get me a safe specifically for the money i would save on toilet paper alone
if you ask me, hell naw my angel's stuff is nowhere near soft
then again, neither is mine....but a good amount of toilet paper will still remain
i now make yet another "toilet paper mountain" above the little roller thingamajig
i start the morning of my day off see what is....or what is not....left after her daily routine
i shake my head laughing....WOMEN!!!!!....what can you say.....
we will still be steady humping anyway....
A trust is like a toilet paper,
An ass can only be wiped once.
If you are spoil yours given chance,
It is not possible remake it.
One-ply, two-ply, three-ply, four:
Whether you are rich or poor,
This is something that you need.
Substitutes won’t do, agreed?
Extra soft or without rolls,
Every brand has matching goals –
Do the job and help us wipe.
We don’t need the extra hype!
One conundrum makes folks nuts;
They won’t stand ifs, ands or buts.
(Pun intended) – This harangue
Regards which way the roll should hang.
Is the next-to-follow strip
On the top for you to rip?
Or perhaps it’s lying under
Waiting to be torn asunder?
Everyone thinks his way’s best.
Please comply if you’re a guest.
When you’re on another’s bowl,
Use his method to unroll.
One last thing I’d like to mention –
This is one superb invention;
For without its grand debut,
I can think of one word – EEW!
July 31, 2012
At a rest stop on the highway,
In the women's room, a sign
Saying, "Please don't steal the toilet paper!"
(Exclamation, mine.)
Beneath it, in parentheses,
Was added ("Yes, folks do it")
Although what type of people would,
I couldn't quite intuit.
I guess the ones who litter,
Cut the lines or text and drive;
In other words, a huge percent
Of people now alive.
He’s a rocker, a mod, a violent young youth,
He bashes whoever he sees,
While she is a mugger when the sun disappears,
She’ll destroy, pretty much, both of your knees,
And he says he’s gay so of course he has AIDS,
Stay away, don’t infect us with “Qu##r”,
Are words uttered by small panicking towns,
The words that simple folk hear,
And the sore jaws of the world explain it away,
God’s will, a violent video game,
The music made him do it, teenagers today,
Shock jocks lead a moral crusade,
But today the distrust is against something small,
No vaccine, no drugs and no shots,
Nothing to blame so people panic buy,
Panic buying toilet paper from shops.
Safe behind the bathroom door,
I claw the paper to the floor.
Oh, hey, you home?
Could I borrow cup of toilet paper?
Asked old gentleman named Mr Saber
Slammed door in face
Without much grace
Not very polite this fearful neighbor