Best Toilet Paper Poems

No Toilet Paper

My mind is boggled. 
What is with the Coronavirus mania? 
Why is everyone going freaking nuts over this? 
From what this writer understands, 
It is much like the regular flu, 
Which is killing thousands as we speak, and 
Hospitalizing even more. And this...

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To all you varmints
Who like to squeeze the Charmin's
I went to the grocery store one day 
And someone had the Charmin's squeezing away
I said hey what are you doing that for
Like come on right in the store
She looked at me like i was spun
Like it...

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From the shower to the mirror I stand
With my breasts cupped in my hands
Oh my gosh they're too small
As I stand there and bawl
You men simply just don't understand

He suggests I take some toilet paper
I've to rub them, Oh what a caper
Blimey, how long this...

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I looked around the crowded lobby in the Ritz Hotel in Washington, DC.  I was a little late in getting there as the plane was late in arriving.  Not a problem.  I had the itinerary for the next day's meeting and an...

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Seven chocolate butterflies
Dancing on shower bubbles 
Strawberry markers don't swim on leather
Lasagna....

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Oh my goodness, oh my gosh
We're totally out of toilet paper
Someone broke in and pilfered it
Known as the toilet paper caper

It's really not a laughing matter
So wipe that grin off your face
The FBI's Stolen Bum Wipe Unit
Was called in to take the case

Went around from...

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In this bathroom of Dr. Heath's,
The tissues so tough you grit your teeth.

No soft toilet paper anywhere to be found,
By the time you get through, how does Charmin sound?

You wipe with sandpaper til you bleed,
Soft toilet paper your bottom will need.

In this kit, relief ...

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The biggest controversy of the day
Is toilet paper – which way should it lay
Should it roll under and hug the bathroom wall
Or over the top and stand out till it’s small
Personally, I’m a top roll guy
It puts it that much closer to my thigh
And as...

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my lady should put toilet paper down as a dependent
replacing said toilet paper is a chore for me in this household
i find myself hiding a secret stash under my side of the bed in an oversized overnight bag
i have question mark withdrawal wondering what the...

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A trust is like a toilet paper,
An ass  can only be wiped once.
If you are spoil yours given chance,
It is not possible remake it....

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At a rest stop on the highway,
In the women's room, a sign 
Saying, "Please don't steal the toilet paper!"
(Exclamation, mine.)

Beneath it, in parentheses,
Was added ("Yes, folks do it")
Although what type of people would,
I couldn't quite intuit.

I guess the ones who litter,
Cut the lines or text...

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One-ply, two-ply, three-ply, four:
Whether you are rich or poor,
This is something that you need.
Substitutes won’t do, agreed?

Extra soft or without rolls,
Every brand has matching goals –
Do the job and help us wipe.
We don’t need the extra hype!

One conundrum makes folks nuts;
They won’t stand ifs, ands...

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He’s a rocker, a mod, a violent young youth, 
He bashes whoever he sees,
While she is a mugger when the sun disappears, 
She’ll destroy, pretty much, both of your knees,

And he says he’s gay so of course he has AIDS, 
Stay away, don’t infect us...

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silent issues

humanity
and the hypocrisy
of soft tissues

openly
running out of paper rolls
secretly
disgrace on humanity's cheeks silently rolls

there's a monument
on earth
to the unknown soldier

there's a monument
in the firmaments
to the unknown child 

a well known secret

a hood by night 
crucifying childhood
mansions and tunnels
innocence virginity silent
pure blood to the top...

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Safe behind the bathroom door,
I claw the paper to the floor.

             Oh, hey, you home?...

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